Informative Caption Hall
As we bid a fond farewell to this show's Informative Captions, something I wish more shows would do. (I REALLY need these for Game of Thrones).
Nightmare Hall
Cromwell, while outwardly as chill as ever, is having nightmarish fantasies about having to Get Rid of Anne. (Note the Meaningful Tapestry in the background. I despair of never getting to recap a show with a Meaning Tapestry ever again.)
REAL LIFE NIGHTMARE Hall
In real life, Anne is not being dragged up a dining room table where Cromwell stabs her in the heart, but she's not doing very well for herself either. She's FINALLY being Jolly Miss Sunshine in front of Hank, but it's Too Little, Too Late. He clearly could not care less about her and is counting down the days until she's dunzo. FYI, I am sure one of you will be able to explain why she ended up losing her head and not tossed into some far-off castle to rot? Is it because the way Cromwell decided to get rid of her [adultery] was so treasonous that to NOT give her the ultimate punishment would have been bizarre? (I originally asked why they didn't pop her into a convent and then I remembered in the writing of this that Henry was dismantling the convents, so....)
Let's also discuss exactly HOW trumped up we think those charges were. The show seems to imply that people certainly thought it was POSSIBLE that Anne was stepping out behind Henry's back. My personal theory -- based on NOTHING -- is that the incest charges were total bunk but that Anne was inappropriately flirtatious with enough courtiers that she created reasonable doubt about the rest, and it was unfortunately used against her. It just seems like she would have to be extremely stupid to have cheated on the King. But not as stupid as Catherine Howard, who REALLY needed to learn from history and mind her Ps and Qs.
Once Henry leaves, though, Anne rips into Cromwell for sending for Princess Mary when they thought Henry was dead. She feels highly betrayed; Cromwell assures her "nothing here is personal." She then grandly announces to him that "those who have been made...can be unmade." He, of course, very seriously notes, "I entirely agree," before staring her down and leaving. ANNE. LEARN TO READ A ROOM.
Another Hilarious Masterpiece Dinner Hall
In which some dude -- I don't know; most of the time on this show, you don't have to actually know WHO the dude is as long as you know what he wants -- announces they want "the concubine ousted." The "they" in question are all the Oldster Plantagenets who Cromwell lawyered into confessing to Henry that they were secret Catholics back in the day. He argues that "the most part of England" wants Anne gone; Cromwell is like, "eh, most of England couldn't care less."
But Dude points out that they've heard Jane Seymour is Catholic-leaning and might bring Henry back to Rome....? (Spoiler: She does not.) Dude then notes that they have one issue. It is not that Cromwell lawyered them all into confessing their sins to the king. It's that they hear Cromwell is Lutheran. "Me? No, no, sir. I am a BANKER," Cromwell retorts, neatly diffusing the situation. I really think that Crommy and the Dowager Countess would have gone on like a house afire. Carefully, Cromwell wonders what Dude thinks will happen to Anne. "I dunno. Convent?" Dude suggests. Cromwell makes a face that says, "I doubt it."
OH ANNE HALL
So...Anne. Anne Anne Anne. Anne. You make bad choices. Herein, she pops off her throne and over to That Dick of a Lute Player, Mark Smeaton, and both abuses and flirts with him shamelessly for sincerely no reason other than her own amusement, that I can tell.
ANNE!! Hall
She literally tickles his face with the feather in his cap. And the courtiers looking on make an eloquent series of faces which essentially say, "DUDE. WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE? THIS IS SO AWKWARD."
OMG HALL
See? Anne, in fact, plays this entire group completely wrong, insulting Lady Rochford and indulging any manner of flirtatiousness. Lady Rochford, of course, fights back, and brings up Anne's dog getting tossed out the window, for which she is roundly slapped across the face in front of everyone. "Do that again, and I will hit you back," Jane says. "You're no Queen. You're just a knight's daughter, and your time has come."
Anne's response to this is to ask that Harry Norris take Jane out and drown her. "Didn't you say you'd walk barefoot to China for me?" (Every time she mentions how much one of these men is in love with her, I want to scream and shake her and make her SHUT UP. SHUT UP. YOU ARE DIGGING YOUR OWN GRAVE.) Norris notes that it was actually just Walshingham (I think?) and everyone titters and Anne attempts to put them in their places by announcing that everyone knows that if the King died, Norris would be all up in her grill because he's IN LOVE WITH HER. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT ANYONE IS WISHING FOR THE DEATH OF THE KING YOU FOOL HAVE YOU TIME-TRAVELED HERE? Actually, that's no excuse. Anyone who time-traveled back to this court would know enough to KEEP HER TRAP SHUT.
"Will you spill all your secrets, Anne? Or only some?" Norris asks, and then walks away and it is AWKWARRRRRRD in her chambers. Anne then realizes what she has done, and cries that she was just kidding and asks someone to get him back and everyone just looks at the floor or the ceiling or anywhere that's not Anne Boleyn. Oh, Henry Norris. Why didn't you just get on your horse and head for the coast and hop on a boat and move to France, instead of getting your head chopped off?
Tattletale Hall
Jane of course runs right to Cromwell with this dish; the King had heard about this quarrel with Norris, and everyone saw the aftermath, wherein Henry was enraged and Anne was -- as in Henry's tapestry! -- hands clasped, beseeching him to forgive her/believe her that nothing was happening with him. I understand that this show is primarily from Cromwell's perspective, and I understand why they went back to him here, but the previous scene was NOT from his perspective, and I think I'd have liked to have actually seen that piece with Anne and Henry for myself, dramatically speaking. I suspect that was a matter of conversation for the writers.
ANYWAY, Rochford continues, telling Cromwell that prior to marrying Henry, "Anne used to practice with [Norris], in the French fashion." When pressed, Rochford explains that thusly: "She induced him to put his seed otherwise than he should have." THAT DOESN'T HELP THAT MUCH. She THEN tells Cromwell that Anne and George (Anne's brother and Jane's husband) totally make out and are probably Doing It. "Do you want me to record that?" Cromwell asks. He seems stunned, as of course one would be. "If you're worried you might not remember it," Jane says. Once again, I must note that Jessica Raine is TREMENDOUSLY good in this part; I think she's by far the female standout in this entire thing. Anyway, her theory is that Anne is banging anyone she can get her hands on, in order to produce a male heir, but "they can't call it a bastard if it looks like a Boleyn." Cromwell tells her to speak to no one about this; she tells him to talk to that Dick of a Lute Player, Mark Smeaton.
Poor Dick of a Lute Player
So Cromwell plays Mark Smeaton like a lute, playing to his various needs for attention, for flattery, to be heard, to be believed a skilled swordsman in the sack, and essentially lawyers out of him the truth (?) that he has, indeed, slept with Anne. And then Cromwell locks Smeaton in the room where the ghost lives until he gives Cromwell the rest of the names of the men Anne has slept with, and how often, after he almost immediately starts sobbing and tries to recant. You poor dumb lute-playing fool. WHY DIDN'T YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT?
Sleeping Hall
After Smeaton is dragged off to sleep with ghosts, Cromwell basically says to Rafe, "I cannot believe how easy that was." The next morning, Smeaton sobs that he slept with Anne "a thousand" times and then corrects himself to "three or four." And then IT'S ON.
Jousts Hall
The King gets the word, of course, at the jousts. Jousts are TERRIBLE luck for him. He really should have cancelled them. FOREVER.
And then something happens that I don't get. The King asks Henry Norris to go on a ride with him and they ride off, and we don't get to see what happens. It's all very DUM DUM DUM DUMMMMMM scary and ominous, and I assume Henry chews Norris out for betraying their friendship by sleeping with Anne, and that Norris denied it, but....I don't understand why we didn't get to see that. Norris ends up in the Tower, so nothing he said made a difference, so why even let the audience know they were going to talk, if we don't get to see the argument?
Norfolk Hall
The Duke of Norfolk delivers the warrant for Anne's arrest to Cromwell, after a rather impolite fingering joke about his own niece. (Norfolk is really rather good at staying alive, considering that BOTH Catherine Howard and Anne are his nieces; his title is also the premier duke in the peerage, which is the answer to a question asked by one Lady Bollocks in The Royal We. TRIVIA!)
Last Supper Hall
Poor Anne has to sit and eat a final meal and wait for everyone to clear the table before she can be hauled off to The Tower. "Are you ready to go?" Cromwell asks her. "I don't know how to be ready," she tells him.
Boat Hall
This bit, where Anne is taken by boat to The Tower, in this beautiful cloak, is quite affecting. I remember taking a tour of the Tower when I was younger, on a vacation, and they told us -- if I recall correctly -- that anytime you were taken to the Tower by barge, it was BAD BAD NEWS. And indeed it is.
Dover Castle actually stood in for The Tower here, and they did an amazing job; I really suspected they filmed at the Tower and wondered how they managed that. The entire scene is silent and just...really excellent.
BE A DECENT PERSON Hall
This is also a great scene. Cranmer is berating himself for not realizing that Anne was bad news. Henry is literally like, "I KNOW RIGHT? Sucks that I had Wolsey killed, isn't it??? Feel kinda bad about that now. ANYYWAAAY. Wanna read the new play I wrote????"
Cranmer and Cromwell exchange a HUGE amount of side-eye at this. Cranmer is THE BEST. I am sad that Mary went on to burn him as a heretic. But I am happy that when the time came for him to burn, he basically told everyone that any recantations he had made were BULLSHIT and he called the Pope the Antichrist (!!) and basically he went out with a bang, which I always respect. Anne went out very WISELY -- as you'll see, she gave a speech very smartly designed to protect her daughter -- but I personally think that when my time came to be executed in Tudor England (let's get real; I would not live), I would have preferred to go out by telling everyone JUST HOW MUCH I HATE THEM. Peace be to thee.
Accused Hall
So ALL of Anne's accused lovers are also dragged to the Tower -- conveniently, we are reminded that they all played a part in Wolsey's downfall; one of the men (I think the one who, several episodes ago, told Cromwell to back off?) is seemingly also being punished for killing a peasant and generally being horrible - and they all deny deny deny, especially Norris, who is the only one that Cromwell really lays it out for. ("She can't give him a son. He wants another wife. She won't go quietly...She has to be pushed. I have to push her.") Cromwell also threatens to jab out Norris's eyes with his thumbs, if you want a hint of how this is going to go.
In addition to threats of occular violence, Cromwell basically lawyers ALL OF THEM and is 100% smarter than everyone. The scenes where he gets to do this are always incredibly satisfying; I wish Cromwell were to be the new partner at Florrick Argos Lockhart. For example, the kicker to this bit: "I need guilty men, Harry. So I've found men who are guilty. Though not necessarily as charged."
Chaperones Hall
Anne is staying in the same room in the Tower that she stayed in prior to her Coronation. Ah, the circle of life. And Cromwell is informed that Anne noted that the room is "too good for [her]," that she's not worthy, and Call Me Risley is like, "BECAUSE SHE'S GUILTY OF SOMETHING!!!" because in addition to loving a dramatic fur stole, he also enjoys a dramatic pronouncement.
Anne's aunt is staying with her in this totally absurd hat, and she is having none of Anne's histrionics. (Lady Shelton is, however, also the person who allegedly saved future Queen Elizabeth from Queen Mary trying to maybe murder her, so she gets marks for that.)
Neck Hall
Anne seriously seems to think she's going to get out. She claims she doesn't know why she's being held in the Tower, and she wants to see George. "That's a foolish request under the circumstances," her aunt snaps, and SERIOUSLY. ANNE. ANNE PLEASE GET A GRIP. Cromwell basically tells Anne that her goose is cooked but if she's "penitent" through this process, she can maybe save Elizabeth. As Cromwell turns to go, Anne stops him and pleads, tapestry style, before sadly intoning, "I only have a little neck, so it'll be the work of a moment." Apparently, she actually said this to her executioner, whom we meet later. (He is French, a detail I wondered about; apparently, he was the best to be had, and Henry sent for him specifically so that at least Anne's death AT HIS HANDS was quick. Thanks, VIII, you're a peach of a gent.)
Trial Hall
Everyone's trial is total bullshit. Anne denies everything, but does admit to loaning Francis Weston a thousand pounds; George is tricked into making a statement that's treasonous to the King that he never actually made. It's a complete mockery of law and order. The King is not present, which ALSO seems like bullshit. Apologies for swearing in this ridiculous court of law.
Eye Patch Hall
Hey! That Dude With The Eyepatch is back! And just in time for the execution of the year!
Anne Hall
Fun fact: the men implicated in this scandal were executed on May 17th, which is both this upcoming Sunday AND MY BIRTHDAY. What a DELIGHTFUL EVENT to share with history!!! Anne got the axe two days later; when Tuesday rolls around, pour some out for her. Anyway, Anne gives a very pious and articulate speech designed to curry favor for Elizabeth, which it does do. (They use the actual words that Anne spoke before she was killed; it's quite well done.) It's nice for her that she also looks the best she's ever looked in this outfit. If one must go down, go down looking your best.
And then the dramatic French executioner, who is really very kind indeed and looks kind of like John Galliano, lops her head off. It is REMARKABLY well done; this entire scene is very tense and sad and horrible, intercut between scenes of the execution and the executioner explaining how it will work to Cromwell. Anne has been incredibly frustrating, but this is also incredibly sad and when you think about it, it's also INSANE that this ever even happened. Henry VIII got sick of one wife and killed her so he could take another. That's....really ballsy. I feel like, had I lived at court at this time, I would have very quickly realized I had MANY items that needed attending at my country home and also I was pretty sure I was getting the sweating sickness so may I please be excused from the King's progress now THANKS SEE YOU NEVER AGAIN. (Hey! Maybe I would have escaped execution after all.)
OH SHIT HALL
And THIS is Henry's expression after it is done. GLEE. Total FREEDOM. JOY. The fanatical thrilled expression I feel like I last saw on the face of one Nicholas Brody. In short, and especially on the heels of Anne's terrifying and heart-rending end: HENRY VIII IS TERRIFYING. The feeling of terror is helped along by the fact that the music very nearly veers into the theme from Jaws (in a good way; the music was wonderful in this).
Cromwell's face, on the other end of this hug says, ever so articulately, "oh, SHIT." Exactly.