Washington State v Oregon

Hopefully Oregon will flout convention and actually find a way to turn this into money for charity. But this is just so EXTREME. Next year, I almost expect someone to come out with actual breasts on their heads.

Tennessee v Oregon

Are they the Ducks, or the Honey Quackers, a rare species of duck-bee?

Oregon v Washington

If the Bumble were a football player, this might be on his short list of uniforms.

Oregon v Colorado

I do think Oregon's zanyness has abated a little over the years -- this at least feels familiar to the last couple seasons, even if the wing motif in general is trying way too hard to make the Duck seem like a fearsome animal. I suppose if you run afoul of one, it wouldn't be PLEASANT, but it's also okay to come to terms with the fact that your mascot also sells supplemental insurance.

California v Oregon

And then what the hell are those? The uniforms are their regular green and yellow colors, but then the helmets are black-on-black with just a little logo on the back, the shape of my open mouth of surprise. Everyone: Don't try to be every color at the same time. JUST BE YOURS. IT'S OKAY.

California v Oregon

Seriously, I would have guessed these were the Oregon Swamp Frogs.

California v Oregon

Cal, meanwhile, busted out these grey numbers that are so dingy and depressing, I can't imagine why anyone is surprised they lost this game. "Oh, yes, let's rally around the color of my mental thunderstorms."

Wisconsin v Illinois

Illinois is not usually all orange, right? Usually orange and blue? That is intense. They look like Clemson without the footprint.

Georgia Tech v BYU

Georgia Tech busted out textured, almost honeycomb jerseys. It would be apt if Yellow Jackets were actual bees, but they're not, so it's just... strange.

Miami v North Carolina

North Carolina went with black uniforms instead of the powder blue and white motif. I have to say, it's jarring, but at least it makes sense. They ARE the Tar Heels, so color-wise, they're in Apt City.

UCLA v Utah

I didn't even recognize Utah. Usually they are in red, like this. It's very confusing week to week, when you don't always see every team, to figure out what the hell they're SUPPOSED to look like.

UCLA v Utah

Also that is a very large fanny pack. And yes, I know it's a handwarmer or whatever, but I think he also might have a guidebook tucked in there.

Wisconsin v Ohio State

Braxton Miller is like, "I wonder how fast I have to run to get away from these muddy-looking grey numbers."

Missouri v Vanderbilt

Is MIzzou trying to turn itself into the Oregon of the Flyover States? These look very similar, conceptually, with the numbering and lettering and whatnot, while also inserting grey into a situation where grey was not necessary.

Notre Dame v Arizona State

For their neutral-site game against ND in Dallas, the Sun Devils put hellfire on their heads.

Notre Dame v Arizona State

Whereas we just displayed an inability to let go of green. WE PICKED BLUE AND GOLD. YEARS AGO. IT'S DONE. HANG WITH THAT PLEASE. Having said that, and despite them looking like spearmint gum packaging, I didn't hate these as much as I should have. Except for the pants. NEVER WHITE PANTS. We should always have shiny gold pants, and so our current every-week uniforms shake down my rage-thunder as well. WE ARE NOT NAVY AND MUSTARD, FOOLS.

USC v Notre Dame

See? So muddy, and they are clashy with our shiny helmets. Not that Cam McDaniel is wearing one, as his has popped off. Someone needs to explain to me why Cam McDaniel cannot acquire a working chin strap -- this is at least the second time it's come off -- and why he only has one working sleeve. Compression for an injury? Then why not wear two sleeves so that people don't know which side you're favoring?

Georgia v Tennessee

MORE GREY. WHY IS GREY SO INSPIRING. EVEN MEREDITH GREY IS LIKE, "Ew, Vols."

Virginia Tech v Georgia Tech

Is that helmet... what is it, exactly? An ode to a catapult-shattered battlement?

Virginia Tech v Georgia Tech

No, maybe it's... ancient runes, on a... or, I thnk it's... No.

West Virginia v Maryland

And then Maryland bested even its own sky-high threshold of insanity. Those have to be a prank, except on THEM.

Kansas State v Oklahoma State

Oklahoma State usually weras black and orange, but I have to say, running out of a giant cloak of smoky dry-ice fog, those look pretty bad-ass. Citrus rot is COMING FOR YOU.

Fug the Uniforms: NCAA Football So Far

Otherwise known as, "Why Is Everyone Trying To Out-Crazy Oregon?" It's not an exhaustive slideshow from the season so far -- there are a ton of games not in our subscription, for some reason -- but it's a serviceable tasting platter. But may I vent? Okay: Is there anyone who would ONLY knows about breast cancer because of these sports jostling to be the pinkest of the pink during October? Did anyone watch the Oregon game and think, "Huh. Breast cancer. I WAS UNAWARE." It's not that I begrudge good intentions; it's that Pinktober is beginning to feel more like a time for self-congratulation, and pandering to female viewers, than doing any actual good for the cause. This isn't isolated to sports, and I am not trying to single out Oregon -- I've heard that a lot of these pink products actually end up sending very little money to breast-cancer charities -- but there is a point where pomp and PR circumstance mean nothing if you aren't backing it up. The absurdly rich NFL apparently donates an embarrassingly minimal amount of money to the cause it spends all month so fervently cuddling, via pink decor and pink merchandise. If the color inspires other people to donate, then great, but that is also a very passive approach to take by these organizations. It feels half-hearted and half-assed. If these people want to pink it up, and have it NOT come across as disingenuous, then spend less time making pointless pink penalty flags and more time on league-wide fundraising and giving with significant percentages going where it matters and not back in their pockets. Don't just say, "See? Look! Pink! We love breasts! Now here's a nickel." [Photos: Getty]