Emma Roberts

I'm trying not to clutch my pearls, y'all -- I mean, I guess the beach and Coachella are both large gatherings of people outdoors? But so is the Hollywood Bowl, and I wouldn't wear this to the Sound of Music sing-along. At least it's... better than underwear? That's pretty faint praise though, isn't it? Better Than Underwear? is basically a potential title for The Nicki Minaj Story. So. You feel me.

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart

Technically, shorts are real clothes. But are these real shorts? What's the fabric-to-fraying ratio on those suckers? And if she has to unbutton them to be comfortable in them, shouldn't they be on a fire somewhere?

Dita Von Teese

And now we've moved onto, "It's better than anything else anyone wore." But I just wish this were a skirt. I JUST WISH THIS WERE A SKIRT. DON'T TIE YOUR ANKLES TO THINGS. And somehow I DO feel like it's that, rather than the other way around.

Fugchella: SIGH

It was very hot in L.A. on Friday and Saturday, so I'm sure the desert was no pleasure. But ... I don't know, am I alone in thinking a) those cannot possibly count as actual clothes, and b) that it's weird to go to Coachella like it's the beach? I mean, this is pretty clearly a bathing suit with the world's most pointless cover-up (honey, if you didn't bring enough sunscreen, that is going to create more problems than it solves), not that I would necessarily go to the beach in this, either, because I'm not tiny and young, and I usually think mesh is for gymbags. Kristen Stewart at least inched toward something realer, and Dita Von Teese, as would be expected, went for something that's by comparison Amish. Come see. [Photos: WENN, FameFlynet]