Premiere Of' "Hitchcock"

This SEEMS promising. You KNOW I love a ruffle.

Premiere Of "Hitchcock" - Jessica Biel's Back

She is extremely fit. I should go to the gym more. (She says, innocently unaware of the horrors that lie ahead, and eating another deviled egg.)

Premiere Of Hitchcock

And THIS is the moment where you should picture me climbing out of a swamp, covered in primordial ooze and whispering, "the horror" because WTF, you guys. I am seriously concerned that Biel is under the impression that marrying JT turned her into SWINTON.

Premiere Of Hitchcock

SIDEBOOB FIXES NOTHING.

Fugcock

The good news is, we can finally see her pretty face. The bad news is, EVERYTHING ELSE. [Photos: Getty]