Kristen Stewart
Let's, for a moment, pretend we live in a planet where this dress is NOT transparent. It's a less capsy world. Fewer headaches. My nails aren't bitten. The skirt might actually be lovely if it were lined, but I STILL wouldn't love the top because the cups on the bustier bodice are hideous. Imagine if a toddler turned one of Alexis Carrington Colby Etc.'s blazers and then played Bra Factory with it.
But guess what? This point is mooter than Rick Springfield's feelings. IT IS TRANSPARENT.
Kristen Stewart
Peekaboo, I see through. I'm sorry if this is prudish of me. But I have a method to my madness: To me, the greater crime is that combination of nude design and flesh-toned hue don't equal stylish -- they equal HEY CHECK OUT EXACTLY HOW MUCH OF ME MIGHT BE NAKED! Even with the Marchesa we hated, there was at least a characteristic edge to her exposure. This, to me, has all the edge of melted butter. And about as much body coverage. It's just... unimaginative. Now, if this dress was forest green, you could argue that at least the statement was bold, with her pale skin against a stunning, rich color. As it is, she might as well be wearing a glass of champagne. It is a big nakedy nakedfest, whose defining quality is that her crotch can salute you.
Kristen Stewart
Like, I can't even focus on how gorgeous her face looks, or how PHENOMENALLY clean and healthy and rich her hair is here. Because she's wearing granny panties and a full-body veil. If eyes are a window to the soul, then this dress is a window to her labia. Is there an Erotic Circus? Do they need a tightrope walker?
Kristen Stewart
It's even worse from behind. The tight leg bands on her satin diaper are totally going to give her a rash.
Kristen Stewart
I call it The Dita Von Teese for Depends collection.
Kristen Stewart
Let us return for a moment to her head, while I clear mine. Her smiles were rather radiant all night, and seriously, whatever they did to her head of hair -- shampoo? Extensions? Rubbing two metal paddles together and shocking it back to life? -- was a wonder.
Kristen Stewart
However, I AM curious what styling gymnastics led to it holding this exact position all night long. The hair pincers were sitting there loyally the entire time, snaking around her left boob, looking set to cop a feel. That is some good hairspray work right there.
Kristen Stewart
And finally, we need to give Kristen props for a) enduring this moment with a smile on her face, and b) enduring this moment with a smile on her face. It's the achievement so nice, I credit her twice.