HOLAAAAAAAAA
"For our almost-last show, lovers, I decided to be MAGNIFICO. I sparkle like the shooting star every kid sees and whispers to, "Dear estrella, please give me Jennifer Lopez's face and talent and husband!" Ay, okay, so I made up that last thing. I know because if anyone had asked for him I would have HANDED HIM OVER, lovers, because I am so tired of soaking my clothes in Oxy Clean."
El Perro!
"Lovers, do not tell, but I might not do Lopez Idol again. Por que? Well, how would YOU feel if someone did a show about you and then invited some kind of Calvin and Hobbes thingamywhatsit just because they have some show about a crazy man? Lovers, I AM a show about a crazy man! HIS NAME IS MARC. Ay, though, have you noticed we do not see my Marc, and yet we DO see puppy man and the hobbit? Is the FOX saying that these people are better than my Marc? Ay, maybe the FOX is smarter than I thought."
Ay, almost done...
"I am so excited for the day I do not have to sit here with hair of judgment, lookng at Perrosmith and Poindexter over here. AY. My scalp, it is seething. You cannot hear, but it is growling like a dog. I think it wants to chase that thing coming out of Man-Lady's ear."
Mini-Judd
"I do not understand, closet-people. This person was maybe a mini-me, and then she was tiny Wynonna, and now she is dressed like the crazy girl in Cabo who thinks she is in a karaoke bar. I do not like that girl. She always tries to sing 'Total Eclipse Of The Thingy,' which is so BORING. There is no Block in that song, lovers. What is the point?"
Ay, what?
"I do not know what they put her in next, lovers. It is a tutu with an apron. She is now a Food Network show."
Phew
"At least they gave the child a ball gown for her last song! Lovers, I was beginning to suspect sabotage! And nobody rigs Lopez Idol but me! And that one burly dude who lifts stuff when I don't want to, like coffins, and purses!"
Beyon-saaaaaaaaaaaaay
"So this person Beyonce shows up to teach the kiddies, right? And she wears shorts. Do you know who wears shorts, lovers? YO. I wear shorts. COPYCAT. Oh, but lovers, that is only the beginning. That is the first dime in the copy machine. JUST YOU WAIT. We had to watch her video, and lovers, it is an Homage to Lopez. Me-yonce is A STALKER."
Beyonc-neigh
"Is that Miss Thing pretending to be the famous statue of me that is on the block, if by 'block' you mean 'my tertiary guest powder room'? SI. Si it is."
Beyonc-cray
"And is that her wearing my outfit for the Fourth Annual Marc Vampthony Chili Drive and Blood Cook-Off? SI. Si it is."
Beyonc-face
"And is this her trying to copy Lopez Eyes, where fear and anger and passion and defiance and GLORY have an affair and give birth to ME? SI. Si it is."
Beyonc-chain
"Oh, wha, hola, Every Tuesday Night In My Basement, FANCY MEETING YOU HERE."
Beyonc-train
"And HOLA, Thing I Wear To Clean Tile Grout, what a HILARIOUS COINCIDENCE."
Pee-yonce
"If I were to say to you, 'Hey, You, who out of all your idols is most likely to urinate fabric?' then you would say, 'My HERO JENNIFER LOPEZ,' and you would be right. They might as well call this Jennifer: A Life."
WHAT.
"Lovers, I have this in every color, including the peg-feet."
MEMEMEMEME-yonce
"AND IT EVEN LOOKS MORE LIKE ME THAN IT LOOKS LIKE ITSELF. WHAT. Next is she going to marry Marc and let him use her blood for his foot spa? Because if this is the plan then I really wish she would go ahead and DO IT ALREADY because my blood is tired, lovers."
REVENG-CE!
"And so what do I do, lovers? I wear shorts! I wear them more formally and more polterwangly and more DUMBLY than Meyonce ever could! Hahahaha, take that, Giant Person!"
Zapatos!!!
"Can we take a moment, lovers, to admire my feet? They could kill a man. I know this. I once drove the heel through Marc's chest just so I could take a nap for three hours without somebody trying to tap a vein."
Il Boringo
"Then we had to listen to some trio of earnest Italian tenors singing 'O Sole J.Lo,' which was fine, but AY LOVERS it was so bad, like one part David Cassidy and six parts Math Club."
Il Ohno
"I mean, look at them. They are three purity rings away from being Il Jonas. The only thing they have in common with me is the 'lo' and I am going to SUE to get it back from The Wee Tenors."
WHO?
"Is it me time again? FINALLY? IS IT?"
Sigh
"No! Fakeout! It is ANOTHER PERSON who is jealous of how Jennifer I am! Dear Blahole Grrzinger: NO."
The Final Tres
"AND THEN. They put Wynonna II in a jacket that makes her look like a space cowboy and Other Girl in a crown of laurel leaves and a belly shirt made of toilet paper! Lovers, next year, if it is still Lopez Idol and not The Dawg Show or Love In An Idol-ator, the first people fired will be the drunk ones doing the shopping. Because, lovers, the ONLY way to go shopping is to drink the really EXPENSIVE stuff and this is the work of clearance hooch. I will not stand for it."