Nicole Kidman
I love La Kidman for this. It's hilarious. It's an uninspired third-wedding gown laced with very business-like gift wrap, capped with a glorious platter of tulle. I was so concerned she'd be boring at this event. NOT SO.
Heidi Middleton and Sarah-Jane Clarke
These are the designers behind Sass & Bide. Heidi, on the left (I think), is be-hatted like some kind of mighty admiral of fug, and her bodice lives up to that branding. But the other... there are unspeakable things happening on her body. If Voldemort had a design studio he'd probably churn that out during one of his more reflective periods.
Pip Edwards
This lady is an accessories designer who apparently also works at Sass & Bide. With all that access to clothes, you'd think someone could have designed a less treacherous bodice for her dress. I am going to make Jessica wear that hat to my funeral, though.
Lisa Wellings, Emma Gooding, and Elise Crews
These three ladies are Fashions on the Field winners. I'm not sure who judged this thing, because the more staid one in the middle won, despite the fact the woman on the right is wearing actual architecture on her head, and Lefty over there looks like if Guillermo Del Toro started designing sleep masks. SHE is my victor.
Rebecca Maddern
This lady is an Australian journalist, but I keep thinking she's Jessica Simpson, who jammed her hat in her diaper bag and then pulled it out and was like, "Aw, hell, y'all, does anyone have a hat iron? Crap."
Jesinta Campbell
Jesinta is a former Miss Universe Australia (2010), although by her hat she also appears to be in some kind of fashion militia.
Jennifer Hawkins
And THIS is Miss Universe 2004. I like aspects of the dress but not so much the cranial shark fin.
Laura Dundovic
This is Miss Universe Australia 2008. The hat is starting to feel like standard-issue, but I'm very distracted by the flaps on her abdomen. They're like poorly maintained teeth.
Rachael Finch
Hello, Miss Universe Australia 2009 And Current TV Presenter Type Rachael Finch. You look cute, but your back is really going to hurt if you keep doing the Tyra Banks booty tooch like that.
Scherri-Lee Biggs
And here is Miss Uni Oz from 2011. Australia really welcomes its Miss Universe contestants into its bosom eternally. I enjoy too that her hat has a touch of color, but her posture is so wonked up because of it -- like she spent all day hunching to the side, trying to see.
Sophie Monk
I have entirely too few occasions in my life to wear head decorations.
Danielle Spencer
This is very plain, which... you know, she's got a lot going on right now, what with splitting up with Russell Crowe and all. But I sort of wish she'd gone FULL TILT into soap-operatic Merry Divorcee land, with some kind of absurdly gigantic hat and a lot of cleav.
Lara Bingle
She seems REALLY to want you to know that she's not wearing a bra. Look, ma, no underwire.
Jessica McNamee
This lady, formerly of Home and Away, was in The Vow as Rachel McAdams' sister. Just in case you saw that. Which I did, one sick day, streaming from DirecTV. It was the perfect layabout movie. Looking at her here, with hair back, she looks like a forgotten Minogue. And someday she will regret wearing that fabric.
Ashley Hart
This girl is apparently a model (her sister is Jessica Hart, who... is also a model? Actually I think we've seen her at Fashion Week). Her dress is trying something interesting, but the hat looks like a tadpole crashed into her skull.
Natalie Bassingthwaighte
Hey, it's my favorite consonanted Australian, Natalie Bassingthwaighrterte! That headpiece is kin to some of the other hats we've seen -- or at least it looks similar enough that it's eerie. That may be a national offense. A girl NEVER wants a cloned lid.
Bella Ferraro
This lady is an X-Factor winner. Which reminds me that at Closing Day at Santa Anita yesterday, there was a horse described as an "x-factor" that we kept referring to as The Britney Horse, and so a bunch of our group bet on it and made some nice scratch. Thanks, Britney. Anyhoo, Bella here is wearing an unremarkable hat indeed, but what really stands out for me here is that her outfit is terrible. It looks like her shirt is giving birth to another one of itself.
Vogue Williams
Vogue here is married to a pop star, is on/has done Dancing With The Stars, and is apparently an "international DJ." And she has very nice abs. But I'd have liked to see this if the shirt flowed into the skirt -- maybe with the green as the cinched waistband, maybe not. But her gown looking like a gaping hungry mouth is distracting. I should hate this more, though, I think? Why don't I? Such is the power of houndstooth.
Annaleise Smith
Annaleise is a model, and as such, I can't tell if she's actually ATTENDING in this outfit, or just... modeling it. But I wish Danielle Spencer had worn THIS. It's very, "Don't look at me. I'm in pain. HEY. LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TELLING YOU NOT TO LOOK AT ME."