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Halle Berry

You are Halle BERRY, not Halle BIEBER.

Allison Janney

Holy crap, Janney, your pants have more windows than an apartment building.

Katharine McPhee

Oh, my God, it's like she's MAKING it show off her navel. You know how hardly anyone uses true cursive anymore -- or as Gilderoy Lockhart says, "joined-up writing"? I feel like hardly anyone uses joined-up dresses anymore.

Katharine McPhee

It had potential, too, if it were a whole dress. But she looks like a commercial for the color wheel. "Don't be Pantone deaf."

Anna Faris

I am not of the mind that white works very well on her, but whatever, I'll take it. It's fine. It's FINE. Don't spill anything.

Josh Duhamel

I have no idea what he was doing there -- people smarter than I am will tell us in the comments -- but HELLO. Come more often.

Morgan Freeman

He produced "Madam Secretary," so of course, he had to put on his aviators and be Morgan F'ing Freeman.

The Talk

"YOU THINK BABA WAWA RETIRED, BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT WE WANT YOU TO THINK. STAY VIGILANT, WHOOPI."

Mark Harmon

I know it's been a long time since Summer School, but it still startles me that Mark Harmon is aging.

Maggie Q, Dylan McDermott

I like her suit. She's actually decent in the "Stalker" clip, too. Will we have a date, Q? WE'LL JUST SEE.

Emily Wickersham

I gather she is on NCIS: Original Flavor (aka New JAG). Her dress is kind of cute, and kind of adjacent to a maternity apron.

Renee Felice Smith

SHE is on "NCIS: The Second," and I find her outfit hilariously "Hey Guys Is This An Okay Zooey Deschanel Costume For Halloween?"

Daniela Ruah

And SHE is ALSO on NCIS 2.0, and her dress makes her torso look like a poorly masked vigilante on a fluffy kids' cartoon about owls who are spies. Does Special Agent Oso need a nemesis?

Bebe Neuwirth

She's in "Madam Secretary," which is a relief, because it means they can't suck her into "The McCarthys" as Laurie Metcalf's shrink Lilith. The memory of her from Cheers will NOT BE TAINTED.

Fugs and Fabs: CBS Upfronts
Halle Berry just out-dueled Katie Cassidy for Worst Pants. As for what's on the network, it's all MYSTERIES all the time. Extant: This is a summer show. Halle Berry gets pregnant on a solo mission in space that had a very attractive secret she doesn't want anyone to know. Goran Visnjic plays her husband, who has made them a robot son. So it's alien babies mixed with artificial intelligence and a healthy dose of whether humanity is cruising for extinction. It could be worse? It MIGHT be worse, but at least it's a concept I can see playing out over, say, 10-13 episodes. Stalker: Maggie Q heads a unit tasked with investigating stalkers... and it will shock you to know that SHE HAS ALSO BEEN STALKED. Dylan McDermott is the cocky Cop With A Shady Past who comes to her unit and teaches her how to looooove. Or, you know, he just shows up and impresses her even though he's a man-whore. Scorpion: The smartest man in the world assembles a team of genius friends to help Robert Patrick and the government; also maybe makes inroads with Katharine McPhee in a bad wig (or at least I hope it's a wig). This one feels like Speed meets The Big Bang Theory, and turns INSANE toward the end when planes start flying into things, which is also kind of what I hope happens on The Big Bang Theory soon. Madam Secretary: Tea Leoni, a former CIA agent, gets recruited to replace a dead Secretary of State, and LET ME ASSURE YOU, her tough-talkin' non-glam demeanor is going to MAKE SOME WAVES. Sometimes when I watch Tea Leoni talk, it's like she's trying really hard to limit how much she actually opens her mouth. NCIS: New Orleans: I got about fifteen seconds into this and couldn't keep going. I quit right after Scott Bakula made some droll comment to Mark Harmon about how The Old Ways Still Work In N'Awlins. I'm out, although to be fair, I was never going to be in. The McCarthys: This Boston family just can't seem to stay out of each other's business!!! And one of them is GAY!!!!! Loud laugh track, overly shouty performances, stilted staging, and Laurie Metcalf. [Photos: Getty, Splash]

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