Marquette King
Marquette here is the NFL's only African-American punter, and it's just a shame he doesn't seem to think that is in any way significant or important. Don't be so quiet with yourself, Marquette.
Odell Beckham Jr.
"I'd just like to please ask Rachel McAdams to leave, because I TOLD HER I was going with a red jacket and some darker red shoes and she completely jacked my skeeze."
DeSean Jackson
This is the concierge at the brand new Brian Fellow's Safari Planet Resort and Spa.
Ricardo Lockette
Miss Hannigan wishes deeply that THIS were the locket/te Annie's parents left behind as a memento.
Baron Davis
That sweater looks like someone told Banana Republic to do Mr. Rogers, but niftier. But what I need to know is, do those pants have a drawstring?
Russell Wilson and Ciara
That is one color-coordinated couple.
Todd Clever
Todd Clever is a rugby player. Todd Clever SOUNDS like a name you would make up in a bar, or something you'd say sarcastically to a person who is being an idiot. Like, "Easy there, Todd Clever, you don't need to eat ALL the paste." I cherish that Todd Clever is dressed like a dotty scientist. Todd Clever maybe should run for president. Todd Clever: A Force For Change.
Peyton Manning
"I may never win another Super Bowl, but I can promise you this: You have NOT sung the last of that Nationwide jingle."
Joel McHale, Ken Jeong
These two. They both look fine, but I would be remiss if I didn't encourage you to look up the promo reel from Upfronts for Ken Jeong's new show, Dr. Ken, because it will make you want to claw out your soul with a spatula.
Devon Still
Devon Still was the three-hanky story of the NFL this year: His little daughter Leah was diagnosed with stage 4 neuroblastoma, and the Cincinnati Bengals -- which had cut him -- signed him to the practice squad just so that he'd have the benefits to cover her treatments. Then they ended up on the active roster later in the season, and Leah is currently in remission after surgery in March. And he looks great and seems very genteel and is an wonderful public speaker who got right to my tear ducts with his heartfelt remarks about his daughter and to his wonderful fiancee. SNIFFLE.
Victor Espinoza
He rode American Pharoah (spelling theirs) to the Triple Crown, and all he got was the same blue suit everyone wears these days.
Brett Favre, Vince Vaughn
This is when I realized Brett Favre is taller than I imagined, because Vince Vaughn is 6'5" and they're going shoulder-to-shoulder.
Ben Affleck, Derek Jeter
It is a special kind of cruel to make Ben Affleck, a die-hard Red Sox fan, present an award to the world's most beloved former Yankee... while he is in the middle of a huge divorce.
Derek Jeter
"Trust me, this trophy is tiny compared to a Saturday night cruise on the S.S. Jeter."
Rob Gronkowski
We are basically just lucky Gronk has pants on, right? You know this dude goes EVERYWHERE ELSE wearing athletic shorts, socks pulled three-quarters of the way up his shin, and adidas shower shoes.
Shane West
Of course Shane West is here! The ESPYs is a hotbed of "Once and Again" fans. Binge-watch at Gronk's hotel later! Bring tequila and lots of Taco Bell!
JJ Watt
This feels like about two-thirds of an idea.
Frank Kaminsky
Big Frank looks more like Pornstache from "Orange Is The New Black" here, minus the actual pornstache of course. But what you need to know about this outfit is that there are two tank decals (patches?) inside, and he tweeted a shout-out to JC Penney for the threads.
Fabolous
"Listen. I will still wish you peace. But I cannot believe NONE OF YOU told me this was a Hats Optional kind of jam."
Jarvis Landry
"Don't be a Philistine, sir. Hats are NEVER optional."