HBC

I swear, I know that this is entertaining, and that SHE probably knows it's entertaining also, and that she doesn't care what I think, and that's fine with me. She shouldn't care what I think. But for the record, that thought is: She should open the world's first circus brothel.

HBC

The OTHER problem with HBC's outfits, for me, is that one accidental flick of the facial expression, and she looks like she wandered out of the Harrod's Dumpster after a glue-gun bender and a two-day nap.

Johnny Depp

Oh, Fug Nation, I know I'm going to be so unpopular with you for not finding him deeply enigmatic and original. But I guess one person's "smoldering" is another person's "Hang onto your appendix, because JOHNNY'S HUNGRY."

Johnny Depp

This might be a little better, although the open shirt underneath makes him look like a human accessory rack at Express.

Johnny Depp

I am so very concerned he hasn't showered in three days, though. And nothing kills a jones like the prospect of smells. However, is it just me, or is it sort of sweet that he and Tim Burton now both wear blue-tinted lenses everywhere? They really are soul brothers. I would not be surprised to learn they'd pierced fingers and then rubbed them together years ago, thus sealing a pact for Johnny to slowly turn INTO Tim Burton.

Michelle Pfeiffer

Michelle seemed a little self-conscious at some of these events. Possibly that's because she goes out so rarely. Like, someone should've DRAGGED her to the Met Ball, right? Conflicts be damned -- bring back Michelle Pfeiffer. And she looks great, if a tad skittish. The dress isn't my favorite thing I've ever seen, but it looks good on her, so I'm not mad.

Michelle Pfeiffer

I almost wish the other dress were in this color. I like the IDEA here -- for sure the blood-red is delicious, and apt -- but it suffers from being a tad too low and a tad too limo-ravaged.

Bella Heathcote

Bella's biggest credit before this was the Aussie soap Neighbors, with which I have a long and loving history, although she was on it WAY after my time. So a press tour like this, much less being in a movie with Johnny Depp and HBC, must be a little jarring. Credit to he for seeming cheerful and composed, and I like the IDEA of this, but I wonder if it'd be better without the extra rosettes on the straps. There's a busyness to it that vaults it into I Just Came From My Important Religious Ceremony territory.

Bella Heathcote

I laughed out loud when I saw that she went in TOTALLY the other direction for the European premiere. If the other one was "Hello, I Just Took The Body of Christ," then this one is totally, "Hey, Dude, Got Any Pig's Blood? Because I Totally Want To Have A Dark-Magic Orgy Later."

Bella Heathcote

I LOVE how it looks like all the ladies on the poster are giving her outfit the stink-eye.

Alison Lohman

I would suggest that 1992 called and wants its clothing back, but unfortunately, 2001 called first and asked for that joke back. So I'm stuck.

Eva Green

Eva, Eva, Eva. EVA. I love how freaking dramatic this lady is. She's like the Wicked Witch version of Florence Welch.

Eva Green

Those clunky-ass shoes are ruining the villainous aura she's so carefully cultivating.

Eva Green

Dear Lea Michele: This is how to bring it.

Eva Green

Oh, yes, it's been BROUGHTEN.

Fugs and Fabs (Mostly Fugs, Though, Let's Face It): The Dark Shadows Events

During Met Ball Mania, we missed both the U.K. and U.S. premieres of Dark Shadows. And here is where I am about to cast myself away on a lonely island, with nary a balding adventurer, nor hero-complex-imbued doctor, nor fiending rocker, nor former torturer, nor even a raffish rake with MacGyver'd specs to keep me amused. Are you ready? Okay: I am maybe a little weary of Helena Bonham Carter's style, even though I do recognize that it is super amusing and individual; sometimes I wish she would stop making Tim Burton movies, because seeing her in The King's Speech reminded me what a terrific actress she still is when she's not playing a human cartoon all the time; and -- this is the biggie -- I have never really understood the Johnny Depp thing. I KNOW. I'm sorry. I mean, as an ACTOR, I think he's very talented, but as a heartthrob, he does not compute for me. Perhaps this is because I missed out on 21 Jump Street because it didn't air where I grew up? We may never know. But there it is: I would not like to be a Depper too. So bring it. Pillory me, Fug Nation. I know it's coming. The line forms to the left. Also within: Michelle Pfeiffer and Eva Green, the latter of whom should totally have her own vigilante alter ego called Dark Shadows. [Photos: Getty]