No. 1: Andrew Wiggins, Kansas, to Cleveland
I'm probably supposed to laugh at this jacket, but it reminds me of my favorite dress of the year. So I find it silly and hilarious and charming, and by FAR the most unusual choice. Go get 'em, kid.
No. 1: Andrew Wiggins, Kansas, to Cleveland
Okay, but I would have bought him some socks.
No. 2, Jabari Parker, Duke, to Milwaukee
Jabari here went very simple. It works on him. He and Wiggins are both one-and-done freshmen, by the way, if such things matter to you.
No. 4: Aaron Gordon, Arizona, to Orlando
Smurfy!
No. 5: Dante Exum, rando Australian player, Utah
This kid is apparently one of the more interesting risks of the draft, because NBA scouts haven't seen him play a full-court game in a year, and he hasn't gone up against much quality opposition. He's one of those Intriguing Raw Material kind of prospects. I kind of wish he'd ditched the jacket and just gone with the vest and shirtleeves, OR kept the jacket and scrapped the vest. But that thing, buttoned, is very Dr. Evil. So I'm going to vote vest.
No. 6: Marcus Smart, Oklahoma State, to Boston
The crooked bow tie is SO Barbershop Quarter to me, in a delightful way.
No. 7: Julius Randle, Kentucky, to Los Angeles
I can't with the Lakers. But I listen to a TON of L.A. sports talk radio and it's almost all they discuss, so I will be hearing about Julius Randle pretty much every day FOREVER and so I hope we are very happy together. Whatever that means. I would also like to congratulate him on the Prom he is evidently about to attend.
No. 8: Nik Stauskas, Michigan, to Sacramento
That. Is. A LOT of look. It's ludicrous speed, y'all. Spaceball One has gone to plaid. And if you don't know that reference, PLEASE watch Spaceballs.
No. 9: Noah Vonleh, Indiana, to Charlotte
it's almost like he picked out the shirt, tie, and pocket square, and then brought about 15 suits in colors that would match any team. Although he still didn't really nail it with the hat; just the graphic. Maybe next time go by the ball caps, son. But you seem very smiley and I just want you kids to be happy and not jerks.
No. 11: Doug McDermott, Creighton, to Chicago
Elfrid Payton went next to the 76ers and was immediately dished to Orlando; then Doug here was briefly a Nugget before being dealt to Chicago. I"m sure he'd like a do-over on this photo with the right graphics, especially because he's got more of a Bulls-flavored tie.
No. 12: Darko Saric, from Croatia, to Philadelphia
So, per SI -- whose Web site redesign, by the way, is so horrible that I want to slap it -- this guy may not play for another few years, and its No. 3 pick, Kansas center Joel Embiid, is out for possibly his entire rookie year after massive surgery. So basically, Philadelphia is all, "Eh, the 2014 season is for suckers." But hey, at least this kid looks totally uncomfortable in this outfit, like a child being dragged to Church.
No. 13: Zach LaVine, UCLA, to Minnesota
Oooh, but see, I really like that small hit of plaid. Well done, Local Boy Making Good.
No. 15: Adreian Payne. Michigan State, to Atlanta
OH ADREIAN. A pocket square AND a multi-colored bow tie, and then... whatever that brooch is... all of which are, along with his BELT, color-coordinated to his PANTS., and then the jacket... this is an unabashed festival of WHAT. He looks insane and I LOVE IT. I mean, it's really the belt that puts it over for me. And the fuchsia edging on that white tie. Somebody shopped the HELL out of this after huffing a Pantone wheel.* *Edited to add, this was in tribute to Lacey Holsworth, a story you're familiar with if you followed this year's NCAA tournament, a little who sadly died this year and was a Spartans mega-fan.
No. 16: Jusuf Nurkic from Bosnia to Denver
And THIS guy dressed to be drafted by the Bulls, only to get shipped to Denver. Everybody is all wonkus.
No. 17: James Young , from Kentucky, to Boston
Boring, but effective. I suppose if that also describes his play, there are worse fates.
No. 18: Tyler Ennis, from Syracuse, to Phoenix
He went from Orange to orange. I hope he likes that color. Doesn't that hat make his head look funky-shaped, though? Man, if you can't trust your freebie Officially Licensed Merchandise, what can you trust?
No. 23: Rodney Hood, Duke, to Utah
He looks extremely patriotic, so I can only assume he spent the morning watching the U.S. play Germany in the World Cup and wondering what percentage of the game soccer players spend clutching at their shins, acting like someone took a hacksaw to them.
No. 24: Shabazz Napier, UCONN, to Miami
LeBron James just said he thinks Shabazz is the best point guard in the draft; Lebron also just opted out of his contract with Miami and is shopping around, and the Heat would very much like to keep him, which it probably can if it installs pieces around him so that he doesn't have to carry such a heavy load (Wade and Bosh don't seem to be cutting it anymore as part of a Big Three; it's more like One and Two-Halves Men). And so the Hornets picked him and then dealt him to Miami, which earned everyone a VERY aggravated on-air head shake and eye roll from Bill Simmons, who carped that people are helping the Heat too much (that is a paraphrasing, so if I got it wrong, I'm sorry). BIG DRAMA. But I like Shabazz's suit and would really like someone to name a signature cocktail after him.
No. 25: Clint Capela, in Switzerland, to Houston
SI reports that he's going to stay overseas for at least a year, for salary cap reasons, so I hope he enjoys the good fondue while he can. Because obviously that's what everyone in Switzerland does all the time, aside from making watches and pointedly not weighing in on arguments.
Isaiah Austin at the 2014 NBA Draft
This young man is, in this picture, weeping into his hanky. He played for Baylor -- WITH A PROSTHETIC EYE, you guys -- and was considered a first-round pick until last week, when he was diagnosed with Marfan Syndrome and told he has to stop playing, or else PROBABLE DEATH. This is terrible and sad for him, but he seems like a nice guy and hopefully he can make himself a pitcher of high-paying lemonade somewhere. Anyway, maybe this was pandering, I don't know, but I was touched: The NBA decided it wanted Austin to have the dream that was denied him, so between picks No. 15 and 16, the NBA itself ceremonially drafted Austin and gave him his moment on the stage, to a standing ovation. And I got misty because DREAMS. Good luck, son.