Miss Peru
How much did that WEIGH? I mean, I think Henry VIII would look at that and find it too daunting. Also, I'm concerned she can't bend her knees.
Miss Panama
"Excuse me. Can someone help me with the bathroom?"
Miss Panama
"Forget it, I'll just turn around and squat. No one will see."
Miss Bolivia
This girl really hates Miss Panama for having her feather rosette on steroids. But don't worry, Miss Bolivia; your spawn of Audrey vines are still pretty exciting.
Miss Tanzania
This outfit is tremendous. It's the sartorial offspring of Grace Jones's wardrobe and those funky wire cones that fancy places line with tissue paper and then stuff with fries.
Miss Trinidad and Tobago
This is quite beautiful. It's Showgirl Katniss Everdeen.
Miss Angola
I wish they'd broadcast this, if only to see how crusty American censors treated this outfit. Since Trump owns the pageant, I imagine something really tacky, like smiley faces pasted over each nipple. Or worse, HIS smiley face.
Miss Saint Lucia
... Tropical picnic basket?
Miss Curacao
Boy, Ravenclaw House has really reworked its Quidditch uniforms.
Miss Finland
So I guess... Finland is trying to show off its proud native tradition of flashers?
Miss Guyana
This is so deliciously disco. Something about the way she's holding herself makes me think she had to figure out EXACTLY how to stand so that nothing toppled in any unfortunate directions.
Miss Australia
And then Miss Australia is like, "WE INVENTED PLEATS. Right? Or maybe legs. Something"
Miss New Zealand
And then New Zealand was all, "Suck it, Australia. We may be smaller but our plumes can kick your stems' ASSES."
Miss USA
And then, on her island pedestal, Lady Liberty peeked down to check and see if this artsy representation of a nip slip was in ANY way based in reality.
Miss Netherlands
"Shoes? CHECK. Pinwheels? CHECK. But did we invent the JUMPSUIT too? HOLLA, JENNIFER LOPEZ."
Miss South Africa
Speaking of whom, are we sure this contestant is not repping Lopezland?
Miss Aruba
I know Rihanna is not from Aruba, but why hasn't SHE worn this yet?
Miss Czech Republic
I bet this girl was really irritated when people came up to her asking if she was from the great nation of St. Pauli.
Miss Guatemala
It says a lot that with EVERYTHING happening with this costume, what I notice most is the surging underboob.
Miss Romania
Well, I don't know about the rest of it, but the bra seems like an homage to crash paddles.
Miss Bahamas
"Yeah, what up, PIrates R Us."
Miss Indonesia
For a second, I thought those were pants, and somehow that made it all make sense.
Miss Uruguay
This feels like a moving ode to Las Vegas casino florists.
Miss Puerto Rico
This is an ode to bikini waxers.
Miss Ecuador
I look forward to seeing this on Kate Middleton's head at Royal Ascot this year. It will do wonders to deflect attention from her baby bump.
Miss Great Britain
I'm beginning to think Great Britain didn't want to win this thing at all.
Miss Denmark
Neither did Miss Denmark. I actually think she made this mermaid getup fifteen minutes ago out of other ladies' droppings.
Miss Norway
Poor Norway is like, "I DID want to win this, but HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO CONCEPTUALIZE A FJORD?!? I DIDN'T THINK SO."