#1: Eric Fisher
I enjoy offensive tackle Eric Fisher's pocket square. I don't enjoy that particular shirt with it as much, but now he can wipe his tears of regret on millions and millions of dollar bills. As for the pick, well, Kansas City is atrocious and just signed Alex Smith, a QB who showed no signs of life except for two years ago under Jim Harbaugh... the coach who promptly drafted his replacement and then benched him. Burn. So basically, if Kansas City knows its only surefire stud is its running back Jamaal Charles, best shore up that offensive line to block for him.
#2: Luke Joeckel
This photo underscores how perfectly YOUNG these guys are. They might be able to pancake 300-lb men coming across the line, but they are still barely adults. Look at his baby face. And yet he's bursting that suit at its seams. He is also doing a decent job of getting excited considering that Jacksonville only has two scrubs lining up under center right now. HOWEVER, Jax picks first today, so I wonder if Geno Smith or Matt Barkley -- considered first-round prospects by a lot of people -- will end up there. Possibly to have their careers die. But whatever.
#3: Dion Jordan
Dion is an outside linebacker who landed in Miami, and has a torn labrum, apparently. And I know that's a real sports injury and all, but I keep reading it as torn labia and wanting to weep and weep and weep and OUCH. Instead I will focus on his jaunty bow tie and blue suit.
#4: Lane Johnson
Everyone is all, "WHY is Philly drafting offensive tackles when its defense sucked so hard?" To that I say, "They just hired Chip Kelly. He barely even knows his teams HAVE a defense." Lane looks both massive and dapper. Pocket squares are the thing, apparently.
Ezekiel Ansah
I am writing this Thursday night, so I hope my prediction bears out that at least one Detroit headline will scream, "AND THE ANSAH IS: EZEKIEL." I feel like he is rolling his eyes in anticipation, although maybe it's just taking all his self control as a defensive end not to turn to former running back Barry Sanders and try to tackle him for a loss.
#5: Ezekiel Ansah
However, between the glasses and the colorful kerchief, he is easily my favorite of this year's draft. And apparently, they are actual 3D glasses he stole from a movie theater. I can't condone stealing, Fug Nation. And I would never have noticed it if someone hadn't pointed it out. But I can say... it is REALLY making me laugh. Especially because it must have given him a major headache and also how did he not bump into things all night? I hate wearing those even when the 3D is happening, much less when it's not.
#6: Barkevious Mingo
As I said on Twitter, Barkevious Mingo is the best outside linebacker ever to play at Hogwarts. Someone also must have either given him a heads-up about which team was picking him, or arrived with a rack of ties and pocket squares to match any future employer's colors.
#7: Jonathan Cooper
Jonathan here went to the Arizona Cardinals, who are such a mess that they just picked up Carson Palmer, like it's 2004 up in here. Good luck, son. Your shirt is all wrong for that outfit, but your aqua -- and your jollity -- is pleasing to me.
#8: Tavon Austin
Roger Goodell is thinking, "Thank GOD someone FINALLY picked a guy who's shorter than I am." I don't know much about Tavon except that he did NOT go to a school whose colors were maroon and white. So I don't know why he chose those colors, but I'm glad he did, because I was getting bored of all the regular colors. I'm mildly concerned that at 5'9", he is going to get pancaked by NFL corners. But I love Rams head coach Jeff Fisher, so let's hope this all works out for the best and with a minimum of gut-spillage.
#9: Dee Milliner
That shirt is the color of the pink plastic pitchers they gave me in my hospital room when I had my C-section and was thirsty all the time. It is Hospital Pink. I am not a fan.
However, the commenters informed me that he was wearing pink in honor of his mom and breast cancer, and now I am misty. Because I REALLY love people and their moms.
#19: Chance Warmack
That suit is trying so hard to cover him. Trying harder even than ND's defensive line did, when he pancaked it and Alabama routed us in the national title game. But HIS pocket square looks like he borrowed it from someone in the crowd once he realized they are The Thing Now and he didn't have one.
And yes, per the commenters... I think his fly might be down. Oh, Chance. Check your warmack.
#11: DJ Fluker
Three Alabama players went in a row. That is... intense.
#13: Sheldon RIchardson
The dotty tie and shirt appear not to be a match at all, but it doesn't matter. I have moved beyond that to the place where I read his first name and think only, "Do it to me... SHELDON. You're an animal... SHELDON. RIDE ME BIG... SHELDON." I wonder how he feels about Days of the Week underpants.
#15: Kenny Vaccaro
Yes. Nice suit, bro. Or should I say BREAUX?
#16: EJ Manuel
I wasn't reading much draft run-up, but I wouldn't have predicted that FSU's Manuel would've been the first QB taken, much less the ONLY one in the first round. But HE was apparently super confident because he showed up, and we all know thanks to the Brady Quinns and Aaron Rodgers' of the world (yes, it happened to the Packers' darling too) is nothing that sucks more than showing up and then not getting your name called and having to be a sad potato all night.
#18: Eric Reid
Best accessory of the night.
#21: Tyler Eifert
I'm sorry Eifert didn't show up to the draft, but hey, at least I get to show a picture of my boy making an amazing TD catch. We are going to miss the hell out of number 80, and worse, he went to the Bengals, who I can't root for because they're in the same division as the Steelers. So I guess... I just root for him to catch ALL their touchdowns, but for there to only be like twelve of them all season.
#23: Sharrif Floyd
That is an impressive neck beard. I kind of wish he'd worn a jet-black shirt so that it looked like his hair just grew straight on down and became a garment.
#24: Bjoern Werner
Well, this is terribly boring. Where is all the clashing, everyone? COME ON.
#25: Xavier Rhodes
Listen, ESPN, you need to make sure everyone gets a photo of everyone's suits WITHOUT a damn jersey in front of them. That looks like I need to see it in its entirety, and you have failed me in that regard. THINK OF THE FASHION BLOGGERS, O MIGHTY WORLDWIDE LEADER. PS: Check out the focals on THAT guy. Is that a weird glare, or are they seriously major lenses?
#26: Datone Jones
This one is for Jessica, whose boy got picked by the Green Bay Packers, who I CAN root for because I feel like they are one of the more embraceable teams in the NFL by people outside that particular division. There are cheeseheads! It's cold! People still go to games! Big fun. Anyway, this photo is chiefly amazing because UCLA had just beaten USC, but also because that yell leader looks almost Photoshopped into the background. It's the greatest accidental photobomb because it looks like he lives on Datone's shoulder.
#29: Cordarrelle Patterson
Okay, THIS guy gets it -- he walked a red carpet (can this be mandatory, people? Why were there not photos of everyone here?), he's got suspenders, his bow-tie looks like Xanadu, and... listen, do I wish he were wearing a gold lame shirt or something? Of course. But at least he's TRYING to give us some zest, in attitude if not in color scheme. Do better next year, NFL Prospects. By which I mean, I suppose, do WORSE.