No. 9, Anthony Barr (OLB, UCLA), Minnesota Vikings
As Jessica pointed out, Anthony Barr is originally from South Bend (where Notre Dame is) and went to UCLA and clearly loves sandwiches and is therefore our football soulmate.
No. 1: Jadeveon Clowney (DE, South Carolina), Houston Texans
For a man called Clowney, he's awfully serious-looking. Where's your bow tie that squirts water, sir? Why did NFL commish Roger Goodell not get a palm-full of buzzer when he shook your hand?
Anyway, despite all kinds of chatter about his work ethic and stuff, Clowney -- as predicted -- went first to a team that, yes, has defensive issues, but also managed to get through the draft without ANYONE compelling to throw the damn ball. Seriously, the team has about a hundred backup-caliber QBs on the team and might even trade for another one. GUYS. CLOWNEY CAN'T DO EVERYTHING. He can, however, force fumbles and recover them, as seen in this play that's considered his top highlight.
No. 2: Greg Robinson (OT, Auburn), St. Louis Rams
St. Louis basically needs everything. It got a dude who wore a trippy bow tie and a discordant pink pocket square. I hope all the Missouri papers headlined this story, "Here's To YOU, Mr. Robinson."
No. 3: Blake Bortles (QB, Central Florida), Jacksonville Jaguars
Blake going this high was a huge surprise, especially because he also went nineteen slots above the next QB to be taken. Everyone had him going to the Vikings, but then the poor kid went and got himself taken by the Jacksonville Jaguars, a team which, unfortunately, still otherwise appears to be the Jacksonville Jaguars. However, his polka dot tie is a total delight and his name is really fun to say. "GET ME BLAKE BORTLES." [fist shake] "BORTLLLLLLLES!!!!" Suggested headline: "How Many Bortles of Beer On The Wall?"
No. 4: Sammy Watkins (WR, Clemson), Buffalo Bills
The Bills traded up for Sammy, who put on a Clemson-orange necktie that I like, and who now has to go play with former ACC rival EJ Manuel, who was Jameis Winston's predecessor at Florida State. I didn't know Buffalo's biggest need was wide receiver -- they in fact traded one away shortly after this pick, although I think Stevie Johnson is one of those players who has a reputation for being Trouble at times -- but whatever, I don't run things.
No. 5: Khalil Mack (OLB, Buffalo), Oakland Raiders
This is a face that says, "The Oakland Raiders are a great organization and I can't wait to go out there and make an impact on the field so that I can get wooed in free agency in a few years. I'M COMING, DENVER."
Khalil is one of the most colorful guys of the night, though, and I love it. I would never have picked it out but it makes me super happy.
No. 6: Jake Matthews (OT, Texas A&M), Atlanta Falcons
That is a strapping young man. He will have a lot of protecting to do, as his future QB Matt Ryan was sacked 44 times last year, which is a tie for third in the NFL (with Russell Wilson, though, and he managed to win a Super Bowl, so obviously this was not Atlanta's only issue). And Jake looks very dapper, and seriously, "Jake Matthews" is such a football name. Suggested headline: Easy-Jake Oven, because... I don't know. If being named after an appliance was good enough for William "The Refrigerator" Perry, then Jake "Easy-Bake" Matthews can deal.
No. 7: Mike Evans (WR, Texas A&M), Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Evans is talented, but I think it was a reach; the Bucs only have Mike Glennon and Josh McCown right now to get him the ball, but at least he won't have a ton of competition for a spot. I don't know if he expected to go to the Bucs, or he just lucked out with INCREDIBLY thematic clothing. Captain Neckbeard also looks a little like he's prepared in case a square dance breaks out, and might be about to make his own beer in the back of his Chevy pickup truck.
No. 8: Justin Gilbert (CB, Oklahoma State), Cleveland Browns
He looks snazzy. And perfectly at peace about going to play in The Cleve, which... you know, the peril of being good at your job in college is that you get picked early by a team that's usually perenially really terrible. It's the nature of the beast.
No. 10: Eric Ebron (TE, Detroit), North Carolina
'Hello. No, I have no idea why Detroit thought it needed a tight end that badly, either, but I'll be very excited to get there once we figure out what biological toxin my tie has caught."
No. 11: Taylor Lewan (OT, Michigan), Tennessee Titans
"I don't know, guys. I don't like to shop."
No. 12: Odell Beckham, Jr. (WR, LSU), New York Giants
"Please, Lord, make my bow tie disappear so that when I lower my chin it doesn't slice into my neck."
No. 12: Odell Beckham, Jr. (WR, LSU), New York Giants
"Psst. Say hi to your brother David. TEE HEE."
No. 14: Kyle Fuller (CB, Virginia Tech), Chicago Bears
"Look, it's fine, but where is my vegetable effigy?"
No. 15: Ryan Shazier (OLB, Ohio State), Pittsburgh Steelers
Whoever covers this next time needs to MANDATE that all the draft picks get full-body shots, straight at camera, without Roger Goodell in the way. This is the best I had of this kid, who might look nice and I might like his tie GO STEELERS and it's very frustrating. Also frustrating: picking a defensive player. I know the Steelers' D is old and stuff, but the offensive line is... offensive. Especially for a team that keeps pretending it wants to be a smashmouth team even though it has a QB who likes to bust plays and then improvise them and huck that sucker downfield.
No. 17: C.J. Mosley (ILB, Alabama), Baltimore Ravens
"I love that bow tie, Mr. Mosely. Also, please tell Lady Mary that Mr. Gillingham has no charisma nor chemistry with her at all and that she should kill him with her vagina posthaste." "That's MOLESLEY, Roger." "Sure it is, Mosley. Sure it is."
No. 18: Calvin Pryor (S, Louisville), New York Jets
I don't think I like his yellow and gray tie, but between the bad angles and them holding the jerseys at neck level, I CAN'T TELL.
No. 20: Brandin Cooks (WR, Oregon State), New Orleans
As a fantasy football player, the New Orleans Saints roster is INCREDIBLY frustrating because they have approximately NINETY wide receivers (and one great tight end) who are all capable if three-TD afternoons at a given moment, and never do it twice in a row. They seem to have gotten rid of Lance Moore, but now they've replaced him with this guy, so... I mean, an embarrassment of riches is nice, but they can't play defense also. Having said that: I like his tie, but not with that shirt.
No. 21: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix (S, Alabama), Green Bay Packers
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix's name is not so funny when he's playing against your team and they JUST KEEP CALLING IT, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, because he is juicing your entire team and smearing the pulp on the field. Does that collar look crazy enormous, though? Like he's wearing a toilet seat?
No. 21: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix (S, Alabama), Green Bay Packers
"Ha ha!" "Yes?" "No, I mean, ha ha." "Yes?" "No, ha ha!" "What?!? GOD."
No. 22: Johnny Manziel (QB, Texas A&M), Cleveland Browns
AND THEN. Johnny Football. Back in 2007, Brady Quinn was supposed to go early to the Browns; they picked an offensive lineman instead, and he dropped down the draft until the Browns came back to get him at No. 22. Johnny Manziel was supposed to go in the top five, and nobody got him -- including the Browns, who picked another player first and then came back to get Johnny... at No. 22. EERIE. Good luck with that, kid. Your necktie is approaching clown widths. And they say you're an arrogant guy, but you know what, you're going to need it on this team.
No. 25: Jason Verrett (CB, TCU), San Diego Chargers
No, really, guys, DROP THE JERSEY FOR A SEC.
No. 31: Bradley Roby (CB, Ohio State), Denver Broncos
Champ Bailey is getting old, and they let Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie go in the offseason. Solid pick, because Manning may make mistakes, but the defense has to help wipe them off the board. He also looks great with his black lapels and grey suit.
No. 32: Teddy Bridgewayer (QB, Louisville), Minnesota Vikings
Teddy was the precipitous drop, although his stock fell after he had a terrible pro day, so he was somehow simultaneously a projection for a top pick and anywhere as low as round three. By all accounts he's a really good kid, and he LOOKS stellar here, but the QB situation in Minnesota means he might not start -- and shouldn't -- and so he has to hope Matt Cassel is a great teacher and yet not a great ENOUGH starter. GOOD LUCK. Headline suggestion: BRIDGE (Over Troubled) WATER.
Fans
I just love the idea of fans clutching each other in ecstasy during the draft.