No. 1: Karl-Anthony Towns, C, Kentucky, to the Minnesota Timberwolves
Well, that jacket is terribly cool, and I'm very happy for Adam Silver that he got to be enveloped in it by an exuberant big man. Towns is a one-and-done from Couch Calipari's long-running stable of them, but he won me over with this quote: "I was just shocked and just extremely happy that I was able to give my parents something they can remember for the rest of their lives." I'm easy. You bring your parents into it in a loving way, and I'm going to hug you. In my mind.
No. 2: D'Angelo Russell, PG, Ohio State, to Los Angeles Lakers
No kidding he's from Ohio State. I didn't even have to look that up, although I did, because I didn't want to be wrong. That is a sharp-dressed Buckeye, right there, cleaving to those team colors for the last time before switching to gold and purple.
LA was in a tizzy when the rumors hit that Russell, and not Jahlil Okafor, was going to be the draft fruit of all that on-court sucking. Because the Warriors won the championship with so-called small ball, some teams like the Lakers are being seen as imitative for taking a 6-5 guy like Russell over a 6-10 big like Okafor, but the Lakers are losing Kobe Bryant in a year and seem more fixated on finding a new heir apparent to his mantle.
D'Angelo Russell, Adam Silver
"But... Kobe IS leaving, right? Eventually? No shadow hanging over me after one season? Ha ha, just kidding, except for real I kind of think he should go. Ha ha. But not."
No. 3: Jahlil Okafor, C, Duke, to the Philadelphia 76ers
This is incredibly restrained. And the reason I say that is, this is the man whose father celebrated Duke's national championship IN A SHIRT WITH JAHLIL'S FACE ON IT IN SEQUINS. Just drink that in. That's commitment to a child. Knowing that's in his DNA makes me sad that Jahlil didn't go REALLY REALLY BIG here. Although given that he thought he was going to the Lakers until basically earlier today, maybe going big would have backfired spectacularly, and he is back in his hotel sadly putting away the t-shirt that has Sequined Kobe on it. There is no one on the Sixers worth the sequin treatment, is there? YET.
No. 4: Kristaps Porzingis, PF, Latvia, to the New York Knicks
"Yes, yes, move along, we've already had red suits up here and I'm terribly bored."
I am... not sure. Listen, the Knicks are pretty desperate, but it's tough to turn your back on some of the college players you've SEEN on the boards for a dude from Latvia. I mean, obviously, they scouted him, but... it feels like a dramatic reach, a flyer, and I'm not sure how well I think Phil Jackson will turn out to be suited to a GM job.
No. 6: Willie Cauley-Stein, C, Kentucky, to the Sacramento Kings
Please note that this is a CUSTOM MEDALLION that he's wearing, with his initials on it (a large W threaded through a side-by-side C and S). He designed the logo personally and had it made for himself. It's just so very nice to see a kid who's completely focused on contributing to a team and playing and building a unit and NOT AT ALL obsessed with his own freaking brand BEFORE HE IS EVEN A BRAND.
No. 7: Emmanuel Mudiay, PG, China, to the Denver Nuggets
The black collar and the pocket square are simple but stylish. Adam Silver seems to approve, and really, that's all anyone wants out of life.
Mudiay decided to play a year in China rather than in college. Where, apparently, an ankle injury led to him playing only twelve times. So good luck with that, Denver.
No. 8: Stanley Johnson, SF, Arizona, to Detroit Pistons
Has anyone ever looked so happy to be moving to Detroit? (Note: I know many people who are living or have lived in suburbs of Detroit who very much like it there. NO SHADE, DETROIT.)
No. 9: Frank Kaminsky, PF/C, Wisconsin, to Charlotte Hornets
Dear Big Frank: You look fine, but have you seen everyone else? Right. I'm worried you might be boring. Then again, you didn't run out and make your own medallion, so maybe boring is ideal. Kind of like no news being good news. Carry on, then.
No. 10: Justise Winslow, SF, Duke, to Miami Heat
"No no, stop talking, because I need to say something, sir. I need to tell you that I would not have given you the everlasting gobstopper, too. I would have given it to Wonka and won the HELL out of that contest. Because I thought it was some BULLSHIT that Charlie won the chocolate factory from Mr. Wonka even though he took the fizzy-lifting drink. And what the hell was up with Grandpa Joe living in a bed with those other three, never getting a job, and then suddenly a trip to a CHOCOLATE FUN HOUSE turns up and SUDDENLY his useless legs work and he bogarts that thing and Charlie's poor overworked mother doesn't get to go? WHAT IS THAT? Anyway. Nice meeting you."
No. 11: Myles Turner, PF/C, Texas, to the Indiana Pacers
Now THIS is an experience. I believe his bow tie and pocket square and pants all fight each other a little bit, and the shirt is trying to mediate. It is LOUD and it is BUSY and it is NBA style at its finest.
I am out of analysis at this point, but I hear the Pacers have really been trying to fill a need at baritone in the locker room barbershop quartet and all the scouting film on Turner suggests he's got mad respect for the a cappella arts.
No. 14: Cameron Payne, PG, Murray State, to the Oklahoma City Thunder
The double-breasted jacket is such a no-no on this kid. He looks super skinny, and EXTREMELY NAUTICAL, the latter of which will come in extremely handy at the Thunder's semi-annual land-yachting race, which is always followed by a rousing musical number that combines "Oklahoma" with "HMS Pinafore."
No. 15: Kelly Oubre Jr., SF/SG, Kansas, to the Atlanta Hawks
Stripes, polka-dots, and a reflective suit. It's a trifecta of drama. Someone asked him later why he chose that outfit. "I wanted ombre, but deemed it outre," said Oubre while listening to Odelay.
No. 19: Jerian Grant, PG, Notre Dame, to the Washington Wizards
Sniffle. We will miss you, Jerian. This year was so fun, and we should have beaten Kentucky, dammit. YOU HAD IT. YOU HAD THAT GAME. WHY GOD. Ahem. He looks very dapper, it's true, and he's in Wizards red, which would have been good if his rights hadn't promptly been traded to New York. He also, rumor has it, is an actual wizard who once turned Notre Dame's shiny gold football pants into a dingy Old Crusty Mustard color OH WAIT THAT HAPPENED ON PURPOSE FOR REAL.
No. 22: Bobby Portis, PF, Arkansas, to the Chicago Bulls
This double-breasted suit looks MUCH better than the previous one, and I enjoy the flower-like appearance of his white pocket square's black piping. The Bulls have been looking specifically for someone whose name anagrams to I Strop, so congratulations to them for getting EXACTLY what they wanted.
No. 23: Rondae Hollis-Jefferson, SF, Arizona, Portland Trailblazers
Rondae is THRILLED he was drafted to the Trailblazers' golf team and looks forward to making a real impact from the bunkers. Note: He was then traded to Brooklyn in exchange for Mason Plumlee and ND's Pat Connaughton, who had been drafted by Brooklyn in round two. So much trading. I guess now he can go hit the links in The Hamptons.
No. 29: Chris McCullough, PF, Syracuse, to the Brooklyn Nets
This adorably shell-shocked kid looks like he just caught sight of himself and can't figure out why his blazer is more BURNT orange than Syracuse colored. The Nets will be semi-pleased to have him, though, because they have a league-leading number of guys with alliterative names, and if you discount the "Mc," Chris will fit into that very nicely.