No. 3: Dante Fowler Jr., OLB Florida, to Jacksonville
I knew as soon as I saw them that they are Louboutins. They are custom, and cost SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. "You look good, you feel good, you play good," he told Deion Sanders. Louboutin should make him on-field versions -- I mean, they're already 95 percent cleat anyway.
No. 3: Dante Fowler Jr., OLB Florida, to Jacksonville
He tied in the shoes with a necklace and his buttons. I'm sure that's exactly what he was thinking. As the No. 3 pick, though, he was the first athlete to walk across the stage, which is GREAT because it set the bar very high sartorially and then sad because no one had any hope of clearing it.
Also, I just found out that the stadium there has some kind of 200-person party pool on top? Is Jacksonville trying to be the Las Vegas of stadiums? This guy's shoes will LOVE it there.
No. 3: Dante Fowler Jr., OLB Florida, to Jacksonville
Everyone Looks Hotter In Sunglasses: Bringing Your Mom To The Draft Edition.
Hard to analyze this pick because the Jaguars are terrible and need everything, but let's hope for their sake that Dante doesn't hate playing there and can outside-lineback like the wind.
No. 5: Brandon Scherff, OG Iowa, to Washington
He went to the Washington team, which means he might end up blocking for RGIII, if the Skins pick up his option. I very much like his tie. It's very Let's Have A Dressy Picnic.
No. 6: Leonard Williams, DE USC, to the Jets
Is his tie maybe secretly paisley? I LOVE it.
I was looking at draft grades and almost all of them are As because basically all these teams up this high need pretty much everything. Although I guess the Jets' defense is already okay, but they just signed the probably-already-peaked WR Brandon Marshall -- the Jets love signing guys who were great but are like a year or two into their declines -- so they probably weren't looking for flash.
No. 7: Kevin White, WR West Virginia, to Chicago
Now if only he can bond with Jay Crankypants Cutler.
i am very sad that I can't see his shirt. It seems to have a pattern on it, and I bet he looks great. I don't usually love the beige suit, but it looks like he paired it well, at least.
No. 8: Vic Beasley, OLB Clemson, to Atlanta
Well HE certainly gambled on the right colors. I enjoy that the back of his jacket collar is red. There is a LOT going on here, but he has tied it all together pretty well, AND: glasses. Yes.
No. 10: Todd Gurley, RB Georgia, to St. Louis
This is like a lesser version of Kevin White's outfit. Gurley was very emotional about being drafted so high, which is nice, and I like Jeff Fisher as a coach. So good luck to them both. But St. Louis has gambled before on super talented players with injury issues -- hello, Sam Bradford, who made it two full seasons out of five with the Rams and missed last year and half of the year before with two DIFFERENT injuries -- so they have to hope this isn't just more of the same.
No. 11: Trae Waynes, CB MIchigan State, to Minnesota
YES. We've gone to plaid! Kate Middleton would approve. I hope she approves so much that she leaps off her couch to cheer and then her water breaks. Safely, and with plenty of time to get to the hospital, obviously.
No. 12: Danny Shelton, NT Washington, to Cleveland
Per SB Nation, Shelton went with garb to honor his native Samoa, including a lava-lava (the sarong) and "an ula fala -- his necklace, made from the fruit of the pandanus tree, typically worn by chiefs for important events." The vest was his own add. I think he looks awesome and I love that he folded his parents into the entire nod to his heritage. Way to make it personal, you know?
I know Liz Lemon fell hard for The Cleve, but... best of luck to you, kid. Try not to smack Johnny Manziel, as I would be tempted to do.
No. 13: Andrus Peat, OT Stanford, to New Orleans
Insert another complaint about nobody getting clean full-body shots of the clothes.
No. 14: DeVante Parker, WR Louisville, to the Dolphins
They just unloaded Mike Wallace to the Vikings, so this kid can come in and help out immediately. And LOOK HOW HANDSOME. He and his mom make an awesome duo here. I love the purple suit -- it's flashy but not obnoxious -- but I am wondering if the tie with it is just a wee too much. I can't believe I am actually trying to analyze it, but there you go.
No. 15: Melvin Gordon, RB Wisconsin, to San Diego
His shirt looks like TV static, which hopefully isn't prophetic; I love the purple with it, though. Hooray to purple for Having A Moment.
San Diego traded up two spots to get him, so they must've thought Houston would swoop if they didn't. The Chargers got rid of fragile RB Ryan Mathews (who will now be getting hurt seven games in, and coming and going from the lineup, for Philadelphia instead) and now have a really awesome prospect to win the job from Branden Oliver. Melvin, by the way, was clocked as the most effusive draftee, giving Roger Goodell the longest hug. Please enjoy this Deadspin montage of everyone's reactions.
No. 16: Kevin Johnson, CB Wake Forest, to Houston
If I were an owner, I would be SO TEMPTED to put out a ton of false rumors to force teams into trading. Like, I don't know if Houston really wanted a running back, but for San Diego to trade with San Fran and add another pick this year AND one next year to the deal just to leapfrog Houston for Melvin Gordon... I mean, I'm just saying, I would have fun messing with people and then be like HA HA FOOLED YOU WE WERE NEVER GOING TO TAKE THIM, which is clearly the ONLY reason I am not fit to be an NFL GM.
ALSO what is the rest of his outfit?!? GETTY. COME ON. I do see some hipster fitted trousers. I JUST WANT TO KNOW MORE.
No. 19: Cameron Erving, C Florida State, to Cleveland
I assume the jersey is hiding a more formidable girth than this otherwise appears, given that he is a center? At any rate, the jacket and tie are nice enough, but he DOES look kind of like he works in a groovy casino.
No. 21: Cedric Ogbuiehi, OT Texas A&M, to the Bengals
And a thumbs up to YOU, good sir, for your dappertude. Which isn't a word, but whatever. Have fun storming the castle!
No. 22 Bud Dupree, OLB Kentucky, to Pittsburgh
I cannot say his name without doing it the way Rudy Huxtable said, "Buuuuuuud." So, Buuuuuud, you look very chipper and that outfit is kind of crazy in the very best "I didn't pay a boatload of my future signing bonus to a stylist for this" way. The PUREST way.
Drafting a first-round defender is a very Pittsburgh thing to do, although we need defensive help, especially without Polamalu flying around out there at safety. Bring it, Buuuuuud,
No. 23: Shane Ray, DE Missouri, Denver
DROP THE JERSEY. Now y'all are just f'ing with us.
Ray had gotten busted on Monday for marijuana possession, so there was all this sound and fury over whether it would affect his draft position. If it did -- he was evaluated as a Top 15 guy -- it wasn't by much, as Denver actually traded up to get him. And evidently he was very forthright and well-spoken and passionate in his media days, which is the way to be, so... good luck, kid! Say hi to Peyton for me.
No. 24: D.J. Humphries, OT Florida, to Arizona
Very natty! I like it. I don't have that much to say about Arizona, as they are one of the teams I have watched least over the years, but... you know. Carson Palmer is on his last legs, so the more good men in the trenches to protect him, the better.
No. 26; Breshad Perriman, WR Central Florida, to Baltimore
Poor Breshad had to deal with the NFL putting up pictures of the wrong person on the big screens. I don't know why his jacket needed the extra flaps. I hope it's because he keeps SECRETS in one of the pockets.
No. 27: Byron Jones, CB Connecticut, to Dallas
These three look lovely, and his tie is actually a FLORAL, which you don't usually see. I appreciate that move.
No. 28: Laken Tomlinson, OG Duke, to Detroit
Let's just assume that suit is good. Also, we need him to achieve something massive in the next year, so that Laurence Fishburne can play Future Old Laken Tomlinson Recalling His Days of Glory in the movie about it.