Ezekiel Elliott
Ezekiel was not the first pick of the draft, but he was the top scorer on the red carpet. I am pretty sure this is a hybrid of Donna Martin and the stuff actual Ian Ziering wore when he was a Chippendale. (In actuality you can see he pinned up the shirt, rather than actually having one made that's short.)
He's wearing it because the NCAA just banned cropped jerseys, which Ezekiel wore for his record-setting OSU career. And as much as this tribute makes me laugh, and as much as I love abs, cropped football jerseys are RIDICULOUS.
No. 1: Jared Goff (QB, Cal) to the Los Angeles Rams
Jared looks crisp and well turned-out, but boring, which befits a kid who was the presumptive top pick and most likely doesn't want to rock any boats. The Rams mortgaged the future on this kid, although now that they've moved to L.A., they need to get people psyched about a franchise that hasn't had a winning season in an eternity. They'd better hope he's more Aaron Rodgers than Kyle Boller.
No. 2: Carson Wentz (QB, North Dakota State) to the Philadelphia Eagles
The green pocket square and yellow tie match his college uniform, so not AS random as they otherwise seem. In the movie of Carson Wentz Goes To Philly, Carson will be played by Prince Harry and Carson's mother will be Kristen Wiig. Even though their ages are not far enough apart for that to make sense.
This kid is a gamble because he played for a school that didn't see much top-tier competition, but analysts were comparing him to Brett Favre, so... hopefully that's in the longevity/gunslinging brilliance way, and not the d*ck-pics way.
No. 3: Joey Bosa (DE, Ohio State), San Diego Chargers
Joey is dressed in Buckeye colors, and was considered a top prospect who I guess didn't fare well in the combine. He appears to be saying either, "TOLDJA," or, "I don't know what just happened but SAN DIEGO IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH WARMER THAN COLUMBUS."
No. 4: Ezekiel Elliott (RB, Ohio State) to the Dallas Cowboys
Of Ezekiel, you also need to know that he has tried to trademark "Hero In A Half Shirt," "In Crop Top We Trust," and "Zeke's Crop Top Bar and Grill." Those are all facts.
Elliott goes to the Cowboys, which should be fairly productive for him, assuming they can block well enough to keep him from being another back that plays ten games before getting a strain that turns into a season-ending pull.
No. 5: Jalen Ramsey (CB, Florida State) to the Jacksonville Jaguars
Jalen is so cute. Sadly for him, he goes to a Jaguars team with a defense so suspect that it's possible they'd have done better by not fielding one at all.
Jalen Ramsey
But, sometimes all it takes is one infusion of talent to turn the ship, and this guy at the very least has the self-confidence to wear spiked loafers, so... I'm sure those two things are connected somehow.
No. 6: Ronnie Stanley (OL, Notre Dame) to the Baltimore Ravens
Ronnie looks like he's playing Charles Barkley in a Vegas musical called That's Trrbl. He also went to my alma mater, but here's where I have to get off the bus, because my stop is in Pittsburgh and they are MORTAL RIVALS of the Ravens.
No. 8: Jack Conklin (T, MIchigan State) to the Tennessee Titans
"Congratulations, Jack, and oh MY, son, are those... do you have actual bowling balls in there?"
Tennessee traded up for him, which must mean they're pinning the hopes of their OL on this kid. And Lord knows they need to pin hopes on something, because with a mobile second-year QB in Marcus Mariota, they need to block the shit out of all comers.
No. 10: Eli Apple (CB, Ohio State) to the New York Giants
I'm sure Eli is extremely talented, but it feels like the Giants just drafted whomever the New York Post headline writers demanded they pick. Also I'm already tired of writing the words "Ohio State" and we're not near done yet.
No. 11: Vernon Hargreaves III (CB, Florida) to the Chicago Bears
Vernon's name makes him sound like he owns his own vanity winery, and his whole aura here is of an Earth, Wind, and Fire cover band. But he's also fairly petite at 5'10", with lots of tall receivers to play against twice annually in the NFC South.
No. 13: Laremy Tunsil (T, Ole Miss) to the Miami Dolphins
THIS GUY. He had SUCH A NIGHT. Okay. So he was considered one of the top players in the draft, and then 13 minutes before it started, someone hacked his Twitter account and sent out a video of him smoking pot through a gas mask bong. After he dropped out of the top 10, they hacked his Instagram and posted text messages between him and his coaches, in which he asks for money from his coaches for rent and his mother's utilities bill (which is against NCAA rules). That is... someone who REALLY REALLY HATES HIM. And it's sad because look how jovial he appears.
To his credit, he did come out and admit that, yes, he took money -- which is a problem for Ole Miss, as they're already under investigation for improper conduct -- and owned up to the bong hit, although he said it was a few years old. Rumor has it the Ravens were going to pick him at No. 6 until this all came to light, but the Dolphins apparently decided they absolutely needed to draft an experimental surgical procedure for throat polyps. DONE. Now he gets his chance to prove that he's matured, and Miami gets to pretend it's still excited about protecting Ryan Tannehill at QB.
No. 15: Corey Coleman (WR, Baylor) to the Cleveland Browns
His green suit is a nod to Baylor, and I like that his tie looks like autumn. Or, you know, a really sedate painting of autumn. I have to believe that whoever gets drafted by Cleveland is given a jersey with two shots of Jager and a box of tissues sewn into the sleeves.
No. 16: Taylor Decker (OT, Ohio State) to the Detroit Lions
"How's it feel to get booed 31 times in one night, Mr. Goodell? Or is that just what you call any given Wednesday? HA HA Ha, bro, I kid. But not really."
No. 17: Keanu Neal (S, Florida) to the Atlanta Falcons
Not to be confused with Keanu the cat from the Key and Peele movie. I need someone familiar with menswear to tell me why you'd wear brown shoes with a suit that's blue and black. It's discordant to me. Also, can you tell we're at the point in the draft where it starts feeling like a crapshoot? Atlanta needs a lot of things. Atlanta drafted one thing here and will deal with other things elsewhere. This person might rebuild the team. Or be a total bust. The end.
No. 19: Shaq Lawson (DE, Clemson) to the Buffalo Bills
So apparently this guy might need shoulder surgery, which came out after he'd been drafted. And then ESPN, in a rare moment of NOT slobbering all over every pick, showed a clips package of him getting turnstiled by Ronnie Stanley of Notre Dame. Have fun, Buffalo! At least his suit game is strong.
No. 20: Darron Lee (LB, Ohio State) to the New York Jets
I don't know what makes me happier: The jaunty outfit, or the jaunty cursive font they used on the signs telling the photogs who each person is. I would have elected the NFL to use some kind of proprietary font called Manly.
Also, let's pause to note that OSU has now had, what, five players taken? And weren't even in the playoffs.
No. 21: Will Fuller (WR, Notre Dame) to the Houston Texans
I AM SO MAD AT YOU WILL FULLER. You said you were going to stay. Then you changed your mind. ARE WE THAT DOOMED NEXT YEAR WILL FULLER? WHAT IS YOUR DEAL WILL FULLER? God, I'm going to miss you. DON'T GO. Too late. Hellpants.
No. 22: Josh Doctson (WR, TCU) to the Washington Redskins
Dapper as hell, this one. Are his pants a tiny bit too short? Eh, who cares.
No. 23: Laquon Treadwell (WR, Ole Miss) to the Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings love to draft fast receivers who end up chiefly on the punt return team. Hopefully he'll fare better, because a) he is a SERIOUSLY snappy dresser, and b) your next obsession over a sporting child is nigh.
Laquon Treadwell
LOOK AT HER. She gave a complete royal wave.
Laquon Treadwell
Ad then he gave her a hat, and she put it on, and immediately was like, "Nah." SMART SMART CHILD. #Steelers
No. 26: Paxton Lynch (QB, Memphis) to the Denver Broncos
I just wanted you to see that Peyton Manning's heir in Denver has some SERIOUS Mephistophelean head-landscaping happening. He's also 6'7", so he's massive, basically, and when they play the Steelers, it's going to be a shame he and Roethlisberger never take the field at the same time because it might be like two cement trucks crashing into each other.
No. 29: Robert Nkemdiche (DL, Ole MIss) to the Arizona Cardinals
Amazing. He left no flourish unconsidered, and has fully embraced pieces of flair.
No. 30: Vernon Butler (DT, Louisiana Tech) to the Carolina Panthers
That is some good posture, especially from a dude who hunches for his day job.
Jarran Reed of Alabama
I feel like, if you played for Alabama, you should not be wearing what are essentially LSU colors.
A'Shawn Robinson of Alabama
THREE Alabama players shunned, while OSU cleaned up. Also I am pretty sure he hasn't put on those pants since he was a freshman. And that he's going to open up a cigar bar.
Kevin Dodd, Clemson
This is a much better deployment of the No Socks look.
Myles Jack, UCLA
He was considered a top talent, and plunged out of the first round -- and seemed rather emotional about it, sitting there, totally untouched. Poor kid. He had a knee injury, and may need more surgeries on it, is my understanding. But he was also so dynamic at UCLA -- playing defense chiefly, but also popping in at RB and scoring a decent number of touchdowns -- that I think someone will get him cheap and he'll play with a chip on his shoulder and be fine. Even if it's just on special teams (he's listed at 6'1", but he always reads shorter than that to me).
In the meantime, everyone is dusting off their "MYLES GOT JACKED" headlines.
Reggie Ragland of Alabama
This poor kid got told he has an enlarged aorta, so not only is there a medical concern, but he dropped out of the first round. At least he didn't let the news affect his waistcoat game.