Rihanna

I have no idea what this performance outfit is meant to convey. It's like one part "Hamilton" and 2 parts "Guys and Dolls." Her rendition of "Sit Down, You're Rocking the Guns and Ships" is really epic.

Kesha

And then THIS is basically Rainbow Brite meets Miley Cyrus. Who herself is Rainbow Brite meets LSD, so...

Demi Lovato

I am rooting for Demi Lovato, but I don't know who told her she had to mold herself in the form of J.Lo.

Ellie Goulding

And now she's trying to put some Dolly Parton into her act? What's with all the mash-ups, y'all?

Chris Martin and Priyanka Chopra

He founded this thing, and she... is there because Quantico shoots in NYC now? I don't know. But this reads like she wore a totally different shirt and then someone handed that one to her backstage with a lot of begging.

Jada Pinkett-Smith, Salma Hayek

Jada's all, "AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO TREATED THIS LIKE A REAL JOB?"

Fugs and Fabs: The Global Citizen Festival

Apparently this is the chillest and least vomity music festival around, per The New Yorker. Those are pretty good endorsements, especially the part about no projectile barfing. Perhaps you know you're old when that's your main criteria for an evening. [Photos: Getty]