Allison Elizabeth Cook, Miss Oregon
She ... has... committed... to... a theme. We should just be grateful she didn't order this in 17 different color combinations, like the Ducks do.
Shelby Ringdahl, Miss Missouri
Well, she IS showing me.
Sarah Downs, Miss Idaho
Idaho is wearing a potato sack. I REPEAT: IDAHO IS WEARING A POTATO SACK. And she brought a little potato mascot with a face. I might love her.
Jennifer Smestad, Miss Arizona
Yep, they call her Ol' Cactus Leg Smestad. Never dated a man who didn't end up with prickles in his privates.
Chandler Champion: Miss Alabama
Well, obviously: the red, the houndstooth, the "A" on the heel of her shoe... Good thing they beat Texas A&M this weekend or she might've been required to build an effigy of Johnny Manziel to stomp on her train.
Crystal Lee, Miss California
I guess Disney is better than the Hollywood sign. I wish she'd gone dressed as Warner Bros. Studios -- not the logo, but the ACTUAL studio lot, with the Stars Hollow/Bluebell set on her shoulder and a bunch of soundstages up and down her legs.
Miss Arkansas
She was erroneously labeled "Miss Colorado," so... madam, I have no idea who you are, nor what state you are representing with your giant red coat and weirdo bootie. BUT a reader suggests you are Miss Arkansas and that your shoe is a razorback, and that makes as much sense as anything.
Kaitlin Tarpey, Miss Connecticut
Is Connecticut known for gold shitkicker boots and ugly belts? Because if so, she NAILED IT.
Rebecca Lee Jackson, Miss Delaware
I would have guessed Vegas for this one, for sure, but no. I guess the gist of hers is, "Come to Delaware to buy fancy clothes because we have no sales tax! You can DelaWEAR whatever you want!"
Myrrhanda Jones, Miss Florida
A deeply subtle tribute to the gators in her home state. I guess dressing as old people, beaches, or hurricanes wasn't that appealing. And the Seminoles probably wrote her a note saying, "Let's not."
Carly Mathis, Miss Georgia
Georgia: The Golden Testicle State. (Yes, I know it's a peach.)
Terrin Zoe Thomas, Miss Indiana
This one was mis-captioned as Miss Kansas, and the state of Kansas should be very upset about that, lest anyone get the impression that Kansans like to walk around wearing neck pillows as bonnets.
Theresa Vail, Miss Kansas
Especially because actual Miss Kansas went out there in fatigues because she is ex-military, and she could WHOOP THAT OTHER LADY'S EAR-WARMING ASS.
Jaden Leach, Miss Louisiana
Louisiana: The Wonka State.
Kristin Korda, Miss Maine
Shouldn't she have been wearing shoes in the shape of lighthouses?
Cara McCollum, Miss New Jersey
She's wearing FLIPPERS. She looks like Debbie Gibson a "The Little Mermaid" dinner theater show. Also, half the Jersey Shore just incinerated. Maybe she should've just put on regular shoes and held a sign that said, "We interrupt out regularly scheduled crackfest to bring you news that my home state is having a bad year. Prayers welcome."
Christina Denny, Miss Maryland
Check out THAT orgy of patriotism. (Her dress actually looks great.) She is like, "Who loves America more than Miss Maryland? NOBODY. I'm looking at you, Ariel from New Jersey."
Annie Rosellini, Miss Pennsylvania
"Lady, I've sneezed patriotism bigger than yours! DEAL WITH IT."
Amanda Narciso, Miss Massachusetts
You may not know that Massachusetts was originally going to be called "The State Where We Put Holly Onto Giant Vaginal Skirts And Make Them Birth Silver Rain Boots." It's a Christmas tradition, see.
Haley Williams, Miss Michigan
Is she even trying?
Rebecca Yeh, Miss Minnesota
Watch out, contestants. Her boyfriend might have a non-euphemistic tire iron in his pants.
Miss Illinois
Oh, man, she is going to Tonya Harding the HELL out of that other girl for stealing her skating idea. Everyone is crowbar-ing EVERYONE later.
Sheridan Pope, Miss Montana
Montana is synonymous with nothing so much as BeDazzled wedges.
JaCee Pilkington, Miss Nebraska
She's not trying EITHER. Why aren't her feet jammed into corn husks? Even her spirit finger on the toe of her shoe is pointing back at her accusingly.
Laura Harmon, Miss North Dakota
"Y'all, North Dakota never wins these things, does it? I'm just here for the free trip."
Diana Sweeney, Miss Nevada
... you're MISS NEVADA. You couldn't pay someone to make a shoe that's a slot machine? A working roulette wheel on the toe? A blackjack hand? RETHINK YOURSELF.
Heather Wells, Miss Ohio
Ohio: The New Nevada. Except Totally Different. But Whatever. You Won't Notice. Much. Maybe.
Samantha Russo, Miss New Hampshire
I legit thought that was a penis on her shoe heel. I was getting all curious about what New Hampshire thinks WE think are its skills.
Alexis Victoria Duprey, Miss New Mexico
So, I know it's not popular when people appropriate native American gear for other purposes, but if she's repping her home state, is it okay? Or is it, among other things, WAY WAY too obvious? Maybe she and Arizona got into a catfight over the right to use cacti.
Brooke Mosteller, Miss South Carolina
Is there a Gloria Swanson State that I didn't know about?
Tessa Dee, Miss South Dakota
Those are intense. There is a big motorcycle rally held annually in South Dakota, so I guess she chose that as her inspiration. I can't argue with it. Because I'm learning things. Thank you for teaching me with your massive, massive stiletto boots. I love learning through footwear.
Shelby Thompson, Miss Tennessee
I guess Tennessee is known for people who really like purple things and fur. (Educate me, Tennesseeans.) At least she's not dressed as Lady Elvis.
Nina Davuluri, Miss New York
Oh, girl, you couldn't find a bigger apple than that?
Ivana Hall, Miss Texas
Oh, whatever, those boots took like ten minutes.
Rebecca Podio, Miss Wyoming
But at least Miss Texas's don't look like she got them on sale at the local Boot Barn.
Kelsey Griswold Miss Oklahoma
I kind of want these states to reach JUUUUST a little bit further. Ladies, I can't wait this more than you want it yourselves.
Jeanelle Achee, Miss Vermont
Vermonters, are you scratching your heads?
Ciera Pekarcik, Miss Utah
"I wanted to wear shoes that had one man head and five lady heads, joined in holy shoetrimony, but they wouldn't let me."
Desiree Williams, Miss Virginia
I think our nation's military will be pretty pleased with this one. Inasmuch as anything can make you feel better when you're in a war zone.
Reina Almon, Miss Washington
She's dressed as a giant Seahawk. Really. I feel like that was supposed to be a mask, and then someone told her that hiding her face was a dumb idea. Oh, Reina.
Miranda Renee Harrison, Miss West Virginia
This is great, and all, but shouldn't she be wearing shoes and carrying a parasol and a dress that all have Jennifer Garner's face on them?
Paula Mae Kuiper, Miss Wisconsin
Wisconsin: The Piano State. Because Everyone's All 'Oooh, I'm Dairy-Free Right Now' and So We Had To Regroup.
Nicole Kelly, Miss Iowa
Iowa: The Flamingo State.
Ashley Massiah, Miss Virgin Islands
"I KNOW. I didn't know I was allowed in this thing either!"