No. 1: Andrew Luck, Stanford, to the Colts
This is very simple, in keeping with his image. Oh, Andrew. You have so much to live up to -- and I'm not talking about running the huddle, or developing a complicated language of audibles and hand-signals to call the play from the line of scrimmage, or throwing a league-high 28 interceptions in your rookie year en route to becoming one of the greatest QBs of the modern era. No, I'm talking about your TV commercial career. Your SNL-hosting gigs. Screw reading coverage and downfield receiver routes. Can you read cue cards?
No. 2: Robert Griffin III, Baylor, to the Redskins
RGIII did not disappoint. Red, white, and baby blue: It's like pastel patriotism right here. And, although he did pick the socks because they're Redskins colors, from the ankles down, he's Ronald McDonald.
No. 3: Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama, to Cleveland
Trent looks very dapper, and as if he's a delightful conversationalist. So far he's winning my Let's Get Stuck In An Elevator award, in part because I want to warn him that the Browns are where players' careers go to die, but mostly to gossip about SEC football.
But football-wise, I guess... the Browns were pretty sure somebody was going to trade up and take him? Cleveland, which had the fourth pick and a terrible team that probably needed all the picks it could get this year, traded three late draft picks to Minnesota to move up ONE spot, to take a dude Minnesota had no good reason to take themselves because they've got a franchise back in Adrian Peterson -- all so that the Vikings could wait five extra minutes and then go ahead and draft the offensive tackle everyone knew they were going to take anyway. Either a LOT of people were sniffing around Trent Richardson on the relative sly, or a Vikings front office person is a tremendous actor who spent all day making crank calls to the Browns.
No. 4: Matt Kalil, OT, USC, to Minnesota
Kalil even wore a tie in team colors! Are you telling me the Browns REALLY needed to leapfrog the Vikings for Richardson? However, he's also sporting a very robust yet manscaped beard, and some smart pin-stripes. Man, the week before the NFL draft must be major for big-and-tall stores.
No. 5: Justin Blackmon, WR, Okla State, to the Jaguars
The lighting at this venue was terrible for fashion purposes. In half the pictures his shirt looks fairly white, and in the other half, Justin's color scheme looks to be 1986 Life Sciences Teacher. Also, I was going to make fun of the need for this pick when Jacksonville's defense is so bad, and then I remembered that Jacksonville's EVERYTHING is bad except running back. So if they decided to swap picks with Tampa to scoop Blackmon from the Rams, well, go with [insert benevolent spiritual overlord here].
No. 6: Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU, to Dallas
I am so intrigued. Is that a vest over a shirt, or does that plaid endeavor have the world's largest white collar? It's like the sartorial version of buck teeth.
Also, if you're at all interested, the Rams had just lost out on the WR they wanted when the Jags scooped Blackmon, and without anyone else they cared to spend the guaranteed cash on, they could deal their pick to the Cowboys so that THEY could scoop the CB that the Bucs wanted. So much plotting! It's like sports Revenge.
No. 7: Mark Barron, S, Alabama, to the Bucs
Everyone thought the Cowboys would trade up for Barron. They didn't. So then the Bucs got him instead, all, "Nyah nyah, we wanted him THE WHOLE TIME, SUCKERS," even if that wasn't true. But come on, Bucs. Look at him. He's a grape Popsicle. He's Gatorade G3 Thirst-Assassinating Electrolyte Blast Berry Purple Freeze Mountain Power in human form. Perfect for those humid Florida two-a-days.
No. 8: Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M, to the Dolphins
All I know is, Ioan Gruffudd's character on Ringer would have thoughts about the viability of that pocket square. Also, right now Miami is like Planet Kardashia for quarterbacks -- you go there, your spirit breaks, you skulk out alone and bruised -- so best of luck with the new job.
No. 9: Luke Kuechly, ILB, Boston College, to the Panthers
Luke didn't show, or at least Getty didn't have a photograph, so I thought I'd share with you his thighs. And his shoulders. Never say I'm not a giver.
No. 10: Stephon Gilmore, CB, South Carolina, to the Bills
Folks thought the Bills would take my boy Michael Floyd, but presumably they took one look at Stephon's fancy tie and thought, "If anything in this world says Buffalo Bills, it's gift ribbon that somebody designed to look like their grandfather's pants, which themselves were made of a basement rug." Also... is it just the lighting that makes his lapels look like leather?
No. 11: Dontari Poe, DT, Memphis, to the Chiefs
Allow a 100-yard rushing game? Quoth the tackle, "NEVERMORE." I appreciate his classic suit, too, although I am wondering if The Raven would want to peck off that soul patch.
No. 12, Fletcher Cox, DT, Miss State, to the Eagles
Fletch knew he wasn't going in the top ten. So Fletch probably should've tested out some pants that could stand the test of the waiting-room chairs.
No. 13: Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame, to the Cardinals
I think Michael here went to the same menswear store as Mark Barron. And he was predicted to go first. Maybe he thought he'd scoop the purple checked shirt and tie motif. It's okay, Michael. You still look dapper. Scoop some touchdowns, don't do anymore dumb shit, and make the Dome proud, and you'll be just fine.
No. 17: Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama, to the Bengals
Now THIS is a visual treat. I want to gruffudd all over that pocket square's red-lined udd and then dduff his dotty tie on the ffurg. This is what clowns wear to awards banquets.
Dre here will be playing against my Steelers twice a year now. So it's a good thing he can have fun with his wardrobe, because Dre is going to be totally bored, as Pittsburgh wants to go back to run-first football despite not having the best personnel for that and one of the fastest WRs in the game. So, Dre, have fun chasing Mike Wallace around while Mendenhall runs it up the middle three times and then we punt. Sigh.
No. 18: Melvin Ingram, OLB, South Carolina, to San Diego
Another glory. There are more stripes here than in a bag of candy canes. If you are a massive football player, does it slim you thrice as much to wear three layers of vertical meridians? I could use actual geographic coordinates to plot his entire body.