Kim and Kanye
KIM: Can I look down yet? When can I look down at what I'm wearing? What's the surprise?
KANYE: IT'S NO SURPRISE. IT'S MORE OF YOUR THIGHS. IT'S A BRA AND A CURTAIN AND YOUR PRIDE IN A VISE. SO, MORE OF THE SAME, BUT JUST UP A PREGNANCY SIZE. I MOSTLY JUST DIDN'T WANT YOU TO LOOK BECAUSE IT WAS FUNNY TO ME.
Kim: I think your shirt might be a tunic?
KANYE: NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING HURTFUL, KIMOTHY.
Nicki Minaj
Well. She as a human looks impressively non-awful in this, because she brings a boatload of attitude (and the hair and makeup is perfect with it). But empirically the dress is bonkers. She looks like if Z Gallerie opened a brothel and needed someone to run it.
Amanda Seyfried
Another great and elegant head, with lackluster execution of the outfit. I love a sparkly gold skirt, but this one is so... limply realized.
Christina Ricci
Congratulations to Christina for making sleeve shawls look appealing to me.
Courtney Love
Congratulations to Courtney Love for looking clean and only bringing like half a slice of pizza. (Check the glossary if you are new to our weird use of the term.)
Margot Robbie
She looks GREAT in this, although I wish for a shoe that isn't the same color.
Hailee Steinfeld
She's giving it her all, but how dowdy, right?
Karen Elson
This works well on her -- it's vampy and glam all at the same time. Great match of lady and frock.
Julia Roberts
"Riccardo, I have eyes. I have seen the wares. This is the best you're going to get from me."
The Brants
These two are Stephanie Seymour's children, whom I include because they fancy themselves New York Famous (that thing where within your small bubble you are a big deal but nobody has heard of you elsewhere). And they look... like a malicious hotel bellhop and his brother the aggressive street mime.
Irina Shayk
BORING.
Amare Stoudamire
Amare is thinking, "I am going to kill Kanye for talking me into this."
Jennifer Hudson
And SHE is thinking, "OMG BE KIND TO ME I KNOW I AM NOT SURE HOW THIS HAPPENED TO ME AND I AM TELLING YOU I AM NOT GOING... TO THIS SHOW AGAIN."
Liv Tyler
This one feels almost Valentino to me. It's Sort of groovy, but also, it's on Liv Tyler. She can handle things that Kim's aura of Obvious cannot.
Ciara
I am pretty sick of her CONSTANTLY falling back on looking like a dominatrix at bedtime.
Ciara
I mean. It's not making you more interesting to me. It really, really isn't. And I know she probably doesn't care about that, but I'd wager it's not making her interesting to the world at large, either. This plays strictly to her home crowd -- whatever fans she already has -- and don't you think Ciara seems like a person who wants to be just a little big more major than that? A really devastating, killer style-over with interesting gowns would get her a lot more global attention.
Rachel Zoe
Is she the Olsen Twins' fairy oddmother?
Russell Westbrook
I can't decide if I wish Kanye would wear this, or I don't. It would be a hilarious departure from his baggy norm, but also, I mean, those look like chewed-on leggings.