Kylie Jenner and Tyga
He's 25. She's just gone 18. A seven-year age difference is PERFECTLY respectable at a lot of phases of your life, but the "people have talked about us as a couple since you were 16" period is NOT THE RIGHT ONE. If I think back to myself at 23, there is NO WAY IN HELL I would look at a high-school junior... like, I can't even finish typing that sentence. Never mind that she looks like she's taking styling tips from the WWE Divas of ten years ago.
Kylie Jenner, Kris Jenner
"OMG LOOK WE'RE SO SURPRISED AT THIS SURPRISING SURPRISE DELIVERED IN FRONT OF TONS OF FANS AND PAPARAZZI WHO SURPRISED ME WITH THEIR SURPRISING APPEARANCE!!! ALSO I AM SURPRISED YOU COULD NOT FIND A LESS JANKY BOW, I MEAN, THAT IS FOR REAL SURPRISING BECAUSE YOU KNEW THIS WAS HAPPENING AND COULDN'T YOU LIKE WANDER INTO LEXUS AND BUY ONE OF THEIR REALLY GOOD BOWS FROM THE CHRISTMAS ADS? SURPRISE!!!!!! MY SUDDENLY PUBLIC BOYFRIEND IS NOT RESOURCEFUL!"
Kris Jenner
Of COURSE Kris is there in a corset and leggings and a see-through shirt, looking like the madam of an aerobics-based brothel. (Also, is she still tweaking her face? Because something about her is starting to look like Janet Jackson.)
Kourtney Kardashian
Oh my God, it might BE an aerobics-based brothel-themed party. I cannot think where you get that, except at a store for Naughty Ladies of the Night who want a naked-Catwoman vibe.
Khloe Kardashian
This person seriously could be anyone. I know it's Khloe because they said so, and I can see it now that I'm looking, but for real if you asked me to identify that person without any help I would have said it was... I don't know. Probably a WWE person again. Or like a Kendra type, or Jenna Jameson.
Kendall Jenner
Yes, hide your face, Kendall. It's what I would do too.
Caitlyn Jenner
Seriously, Caitlyn, TALK SOME SENSE INTO YOUR STEP-BUFFOONS. And then to Kylie. Can we send her to Swiss finishing school or something?
Noah Cyrus
This is Miley's younger sister and she's 15, and seriously, is everyone in concert as That Time Hulk Hogan's Daughter Brooke Was Trying To Be A Thing?
Zayn Malik
Kid, Justin Bieber already tried this. It didn't work. It's not gonna fly. It's a no-fly zone. .. Actually, come to think of it, IS this a no-fly zone? In the sense of... where is your zipper?