Tom Colicchio and Padma Lakshmi
Well, these two are easy -- Top Chef is the only show I watch on Bravo (I have Jessica covering the other gaps for me -- this is the benefit of two of us). Tom looks Tom-like. Padma is wearing ill-fitting satin pants and a fancy grocery sack strapped to her corset. Maybe it's a Top Chef challenge: Cook with only the ingredients you can stuff into Padma's bodice bag.
Gail Simmons
Gail looks adorable. I find her so comforting somehow. I want her to be delightful. At the Emmys she was being interviewed by the person next to us on the media line, and she paused and looked at me and said, "Hey, I own that dress too," and I was so thrown off that my reply was, "Thanks!" Which is so dumb. This is why I shouldn't talk to people. But, she always looks cute, so I feel comforted that she and I were drawn to the same outfit.
NeNe Leakes
Sigh. I do know who this is, thanks to The New Normal (I quit Glee before she arrived). Since Roger Ebert has passed and I could never review a performance with his class and elegance, I will simply offer a "no comment" on what I saw of her on the sitcom, but if they had rewritten her character as the figure skater she so clearly wants to be then maybe we'd be onto something.
Brandi Glanville
Speaking of figure skating, has anyone told Brandi Glanville that it's a bit too late for her to put together an Olympic program?
Brad Goreski
All I'm seeing is a sunburn.
Kandi Burruss, Phaedra Parks
So, I have no idea, except I guess Kandi on the left is a peekaboo enthusiast. I guess the one on the right is more famous? Jessica tells me, and I quote, "Phaedra is on the Atlanta show and she was Bobby Brown's lawyer but now she has a half-assed exercise tape out AND she wants to be a custom funeral director AND she is starting her own line of TASERS." That sounds so fabricated that it HAS to be true. Also... I feel like the only good Bobby Brown lawyer is a former Bobby Brown lawyer, right, so that must speak in her favor. Although I'm not sure about the potential garroting that could come from that dress's neckline.
Adriana de Moura
I guess this one is on Miami? Let's decide that her goal is to sell a line of decorative tampons.
Taylor Armstrong
I do know who Taylor is, and she had a rough go of it. So for now I will just say... this... is... a... dress, and it is on her body.
Tabatha Coffey
So, this one was on Shear Genius, and now has other shows, or something. Props to Tabatha for making a living off being a contestant on a reality show most people barely remember ever existed. But can't get behind this outfit. It's like lingerie for your arms.
Carole Radziwill
I know the Radziwill name, so I googled Carole, and she seems way too accomplished and interesting to be on RHoNY. I mean, if we were going to play the guessing game based solely on her sandals, I wouldn't have said, "Peabody- and Emmy-winning journalist," but instead, "Advocate of a plan to bulldoze the Mets stadium and replace it with a Colosseum for the purpose of making men fight to the death; also selling togas on HSN."
Roble Ali
I guess this guy is, in fact, a cook who has his own show. They should hook him up with Brad Goreski, who might advise him on whether this jacket is too small (it is, right? The sleeve length, at least?), and whether hats that appear to run on fluorescent lights might cause brain cancer and/or some wicked head sweats.
Kenya Moore
Okay, we have another Atlanta lady, I think. She is a former beauty queen. I've decided she is pursuing her own line of bedlinens with Macy's and wants to come out with a book about lips.
Lilly Ghalichi
Shahs of Sunset, from what I understand. Also soon to be the purveyor of the As Seen On TV-branded Hair Plug, which is a giant stopper you can suction to your noggin that gives the illusion of being made of all your own keratin strands.
Kyle Richards
This one, I also know, because I watched that OTHER "celebrity" "diving" show on Fox earlier in the year, and she was on it with her sister. That is ALL I know about her, though, except that in this dress she kind of looks like the sex-doll version of Demi Moore, and so clearly I've concluded that she has aspirations of selling her own line of inflatable celebrity doppelgangers.
Kim Zolciak
And this person is... also Atlanta, I guess? She claims to be a year younger than I am, which... if you have met me, let's just allow that to sit there for a second. And I think she sang something once. Her dress is crackballs -- it looks like an ode to wicker from the side -- but it's the shoes that are getting me. Kyle Richards had a platform-y pair, also. Maybe the bio I will invent for them is that they're going to unite and create a line of footwear that also stashes tiny bottles of alcohol and little shot glasses, so all you have to do is pop open a compartment in the sole and pull out your liquid courage.