Irina Shayk and Jessica White

SOMEBODY is mad she got booted from Fug Madness so early. That's fine, Jessica. Keep working overtime and thy seed shalt rise.

Irina Shayk, Jessica Gomes and Jessica White

Intrepid, indeed (I see you, Shayk Sideboob -- you're not fooling anyone). Jessica Gomes in the middle there is all, "Huh. Nothing to see here." She is the meat in a crack sandwich. It's like putting fat-free bologna between fresh-baked donuts laced with hallucinogens.

Jessica White

I feel like her Tarot alter-ego is supposed to be the High Priestess, but really, it's The Fool. If I remembered ANYTHING about my old Tarot cards from eighth grade, I might be able to make an intelligent joke about which card's meaning is the most applicable to this gown, but I will leave that to you brilliant people for the comments. I mostly just liked looking at my cards -- they were the Renaissance pack -- and never actually memorized what any of them signified. Well, except Death. That one was easy. And I suppose Temperance spoke for itself. Okay, so the Major Arcana is sort of straightforward, but with the cups and the swords and the coins, I have zero Minor Arcana science to blind you with here. And... I'm going to walk away now.

Fugsica White

This one has an honorable mention of fuggery for Irina Shayk, whose patchy see-through blue dress is like an Avatar special effect gone bad, but the main prize goes to Countess Von Sleevenstein. That is the Titanic of caftans. It is the Caftanic: massive, doomed to fail, and probably containing a string quartet and a few canoes. That sleeve is so large it could clothe a child. Is there a competing musical collective called the Polymoronic Spree? Because if not, I think we've found the charter member. [Photos: Splash News, WENN]