Justin Bieber

Like, what is he selling here? I can't figure it out anymore. I think HE might believe he is selling swagger and sex appeal, but unless in person he surfs into rooms on a wave of pheromones the likes of which would make Jon Hamm's feel ineffectual and pointless, then this has to be a total delusion. Hooray for him having self-confidence, but seriously, he looks SO EERILY like Watts plus Vanilla Ice times someone who buys sunglasses out of a 1986 catalog called Sophisticated Lady. I don't think 10-year olds want to crush on this person. I don't think 15-year olds want to crush on this person. Do 19- or 20-year olds take this person seriously? What is his age bracket anymore? What is the Bieber demographic? If you weren't grandfathered into Bieberdom from back when he had Wind Cannon hair and seemed innocuous, there is basically no possible entry anymore, right?

Justin Bieber

And the thing is, this isn't even the worst outfit he's ever worn. The blinding white tasseled loafers are a bit Clark Griswold, but... wait, does he think he's Clark Griswold? That might explain A WHOLE LOT.

For all my crabbing about him, I do feel a little sad for Bieber, in the sense that he strikes me as someone who has NOBODY around him helping him make better decisions. But the kid has an image problem right now -- story after story paints him as an entitled punk, at BEST -- and just putting on a suit isn't really convincing me. Of anything.

Justin Bieber

His pants are falling off again. I'm not convinced.

Justin Bieber

And they are weighed down by a bejeweled keychain. I am not convinced.

Justin Bieber

But y'all, he is deeply spiritual and feeling. (I'm not convinced.)

Justin Bieber

And he... uses hand sanitizer? I might be convinced. But ONLY of that.

Justin Bieber

Pupils reactive? I guess?

Justin Bieber

But no. The single finger gun can be pulled off with a careful mix of silliness and panache. But only with one hand. Double-handed finger guns are more problematic, and double-FINGERED double-handed finger guns are the kind of thing you only do if you are absurd enough to have something called a "swag coach" and not realize that this is the world's stupidest fake job.

Justin Bieber and Usher

I think Usher has a lot to answer for, no? Beginning with that hat.

Fugstin Bieber

I freely admit that I have an incredibly low Bieber tolerance. But among other issues, someone REALLY needs to have a Come to Jesus with him about his upper lip. Or if that doesn't work, send in Kanye for a Come to Yeezus. Or Beyonce for a Come to Beysus. Or a Nintendo Wii avatar of himself for a Come to Miisus. Because for some reason, sticking him in front of a mirror for a Come to Biebsus has not been effective, because he has the WORLD'S LEAST RELIABLE EYEBALLS APPARENTLY AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING BECAUSE THIS PLANET ALSO HAS KARDASHIANS. [Photos: Getty]