1998
"Ah, lovers, look at this. I am wearing a suit with a bra shirt twenty years before any of today's people who think they invented it. They should know better. The Lopez is the alpha and omega of all things. Even Sue Ellen Ewing costumes.
1999, with Diddy
"Fun fact, lovers: Sean made that shirt by cutting up a cocktail dress with one of our steak knives. 'Let it drizzle,' he said. Well, lovers, the only thing that should drizzle is rain and maybe salad dressing. It tickled my stomach all night and at least three people tried to use it as dental floss."
in 2000
"HA HA HA. I remember when pants had one-inch zippers. The bathroom was so FAST. This, lovers, I wore because I lost a bet. Sean asked me to name of his songs and I could not, so I had to wear an outfit inspired by Daniel in The Karate Kid."
in 2001
"I left the Renaissance Fair late that day."
with Cris Judd
"Ah, and my face here is saying, 'Wait, who ARE you? I know we've met... OH YES, that's right, we are married."
MTV AWARDS, NEW YORK, USA
"Lovers, if I wanted you to see all of it, I would have taken more photos."
in 2004
"I remember this night! My Marc was going through a phase where the only thing that calmed his bloodlust was a magic trick. We made it ten minutes in before he went to the kitchen to see if they had a raw steak."
in 2006
"I call this one Gloria F*&king Swanson Wins Synchronized Swimming Gold, and admit it, you want me to wear it again."
with Marc
"Also, lovers, anyone who does not think I can win an Oscar should just look at me in this photo. CASE CLOSED."
in 2009
"I did not feel like hugging people on this night, lovers. Marc had not come out of his box for three days. So I invented a sleeve harness where if I spread my wings, my head would fly... right off my shoulders."
in Balmain, in 2014
"But then lovers it turns out I LOVE strappy things that might be lethal! And look how fantastic I am in this one. Have you ever seen such a body? Is there an Abdominal Vanguard award I can win somewhere, because I could shut that one down too."