Jennifer Lopez
"HOLA LOVERS. You think Perry Whoozits invented THE HAT? I WILL SHOW YOU THE HAT THAT BEGAT ALL HATS. IT IS THE HAT MOTHER. ITS HAT WOMB CREATED YOUR HAT, PARNELL!!! WHO'S HAPPY NOW?!?!? Besos!"
Fergie
This is so heinous that I can't even appreciate the attempt at wordplay. Because it's WORDPLAY OF LIES.
Lenny Kravitz
Lenny Kravits AND Always pads: better with wings.
Lil Kim
At times Lil' Kim was so subtle, it was easy to forget she was there.
Beyonce
BEYONCE IS AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON NOW. This is so... I mean, did she buy Liberace's cocktail pajamas at auction and have them hemmed?
Beyonce
No, but seriously. Say what you will about her -- and I am at the TOP of The Beygency's Hit List -- but she has slicked up her act and gotten SO MUCH BETTER at this since 2004. Also, in Googling whether she was still merely a Child of Destiny at this time (she was not; she went solo in 2003), I realized her second album is called B'Day. Did NOBODY point out that might read like Bidet?
Jay Z
Jay Z has not changed. Well, except for his actual outfit.
Usher
Usher had to put out four fingers so that people would not think he was TOTALLY copying Jay's look.
Ashlee Simpson
This was her original nose. It is also ORIGINAL FUG. It's so awful, y'all. It heaves.
Ashanti
It's nice to see that Ashanti has always gravitated toward things with a Vagina Sling option.
Alicia Keys
This is not great, but weirdly, it fits her better than like 90 percent of what she wears now.
Christina Aguilera
THE MARILYN PHASE.
Christina Aguilera
Brothel Couture at its finest.
Paris Hilton
THE BARBIE HAIR. THE NAKED. And I assume that's NOT a glowing evil face over her navel, but it might as well be. This picture just tickled my soul. She looks like she was exhumed from a forgotten beauty pageant.
Brooke Hogan
Remember when Hulk Hogan was trying to make his daughter happen? The cargo pants industry sure does. AND HER BRA HAS POCKETS. It's A CARGO BRA. What do you put in tiny nipple pockets? Quarters? Listerine strips? Dignity?
Hilary Duff
This is as frustrating as if it were the first time. All the necklaces were so unflattering on her, and the baggy wrinkly shorts, and the bra straps falling all over everywhere... so bad. SO BAD.
No Doubt
Oh, Gwen. This is so you.
Gwen Stefani
Ditto.
Lil Kim
Lil' Kim changed, too, actually. Not that you'd notice because she's so discreet.
Amy Lee and John Cougar Mellencamp
So I guess at this time Amy Lee owned a whorehouse in the middle of grizzly country, and John Cougar Mellencamp REALLY needed Bruce Springsteen to take him shopping for jeans. This reminds me of the best Marry F**k Kill that we ever did: John Cougar, John Mellencamp, and John Cougar Mellencamp. I think we killed the Coug. OBVIOUSLY, John Cougar Mellencamp lives, but I can't remember if I married him or not. I think so? To preserve him in my life forever?
Michelle Branch
Michelle Branch is probably not too pleased this outfit was immortalized.
Gwyneth Paltrow
I wish I had a full shot of this. The outfit is dumb, the face is great, and the GOOP is... totally pulling this off in a way that's super irritatingly good.
Mandy Moore
I miss Mandy Moore. But not in this dress.
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey
Oh hey, remember these two? Actually, Jessica does not look that bad here. I mean, it's a LOT of boob, but it could be -- and has been -- so much worse.
Vanessa Minnillo
Nick's future wife was there also, nipples and all.
Eva Mendes
WHAT is that skirt. FOR SHAME.
Dave Navarro
Remember Dave Navarro? He'd like you to.
Kanye West
YO, NAVARRO, I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, AND I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT 2004 HAD SOME OF THE UGLIEST SHIT OF ALL TIME. OF ALL TIME! EVEN BEYONCE HAD PROBLEMS. THANK GOD I KEPT IT CLASSIC AND STROKED MY CHIN WITH THAT GOATEE SO THIN AND MY SPIRIT FULL OF LOVIN' BUT MY EYES FULL OF SIN AND FINGERNAILS NEAT AS A PIN BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF IF YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE MAXIMUM DOPEOCITY.