MY BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED FANTASY BAG

"PEOPLE SAY IT LOOKS LIKE THE DEVIL BUT THEY'RE NOT LOOKING AT IT LEVEL 'CAUSE IT'S CLEARLY THREE KARD SISTERS WITHOUT THEIR STUDLY MISTERS AND THEIR MOTHER ON THE LEFT, WHOSE LIKENESS IS THE BEST. HE PUT HER THERE AT MY BEHEST 'CAUSE SHE'S THE WICKED WITCH OF THE NEST. BUT I TOLD KIM IT WAS A PICTURE OF LAMAR."

MY BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED FIANCEE

"SO DON'T RING THE ALARM. IT LOOKS SO GOOD ON HER ARM, LIKE SOME HEAD-TRIP SURREALIST SEX FARM WITH TEETH SO SHARP THEY COULD KILL A CHICKEN PARM AND DAMMIT THAT WOULD BE ONE SERIOUSLY BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED SANDWICH."

MY BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED ROMANTIC STROLL

"WAIT, THE PAPS CAN'T SEE THE ART. WHY ISN'T SHE BEING SMART? DOESN'T SHE KNOW IT'S ONE-OF-A-KIND, AND THAT HERMES TOTALLY WON'T MIND, BECAUSE WE JUST MADE THE BAG BETTER, A TOTAL FASHION RED-LETTER WORN BY A CULTURED GO-GETTER, LIKE THE HESTER PRYNNE OFJET-SETTERS AND WAIT I DON'T THINK THAT MEANS WHAT I WANTED IT TO MEAN."

MY BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED SHOPPING SPREE

KANYE: YO, WHY AVERT YOUR GAZE. THAT BAG IS TOTES AMAZE.

KIM: Oh, I um, just, are you sure you don't want me to carry the shopping bags?

KANYE: IF YOU DO THEY'LL BLOCK THE PRECIOUS, WHICH WOULD BE TOTALLY RECKLESS, BECAUSE IF I TOOK A CENSUS, I GUARANTEE THAT BAG WOULD LIVE IN THE CITY OF FRESHNESS, SO LET IT MAKE THE WORLD BREATHLESS.

Kim: I... sure. I just think... did it hiss at me?

KANYE: IF THE BAG WANTS TO SPEAK THEN LET IT REACH ITS EXPRESSIVE PEAK, IT'S ARTISTIC FREAKY-DEAKY CHIC WITH A MILE-WIDE GENIUS STREAK, AND I THINK IT COULD WIN JEOPARDY.

Kim: I think it told me to poison Mom's gin. And that you aren't above the law and need to feed the meter.

MY BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED PARKING METER

"DAMN, CUSTOM-MADE BIRKIN, WHAT SATANIC MOJO ARE YOU WORKING? I SHOULD'VE JUST GOTTEN HER A RUG WITH MY FACE ON IT."

Go Fug Your Accessory, Kim Kardashian

You need to see Kim Kardashian's Khristmas Gift From Kanye: It's a Birkin, it was custom-painted by George Condo (who did one of Kanye's album covers), and apparently it's possessed by the devil. With plenty of views from afar, on the offchance that it's a Monet (who, by the way, just rolled over in his grave, woke from his eternal slumber and started digging himself out with his hands so as to rise from the dead and come slap me across the face for that). GFY Kanye is making a guest appearance to walk you through it: "CHECK IT OUT, MY MAGNUM OPUS, BRIMMING WITH ARTISTIC DOPENESS, SURELY BLESSED BY HIS HOLY POPENESS, WHO WAS ALL, 'IMMA LET YOU FINISH THE CEILING, MICHELANGELO, BUT FIRST I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT GEORGE CONDO MADE THE BEST ART IN THE WORLD THIS TIME.' MY GIRL HAD A BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED FANTASY CHRISTMAS DAY. THERE'S NOTHING I WON'T PAY TO MAKE HER DOPER THAN QUEEN BEY, SO NOBODY GET IN MY WAY BECAUSE EVERY KISS BEGINS WITH 'YE." [Photos: Splash, Fame/Flynet]