Jennifer Lawrence in Givenchy

This is classic Golden Globes tomfoolery, and as much as I hate it, I am THRILLED that people are climbing off their rockers. Givenchy sure seems terrible right now! This is supposedly custom and feels like they're recycling an idea from the Garden of Time Met Gala that never got used.

The little wrap is so pointless and silly and looks even dumber from the back. chortling at it. I liked it better when she got media attention for saying something wacky and then tripping.

Is this her first major awards season since having both her kids? Because this certainly FEELS like a BODY BE BANGIN statement. And to think she JUST sounded the REASONABLE KLAXON the other day. She was baiting us.

Bella Ramsey in Prada

That suit is so crisply tailored, and the ribbon is lovely but undeniably makes them look like a car somebody is getting for Valentine's Day.

Parker Posey

What a wacky hoot. She was clearly told the theme was Saloon Prom.

Jenna Ortega in Dilara Findikoglu

And Jenna is here as the baton twirler in a funeral marching band. That is a lot of ab...

... and a hefty dose of side boob.

And for good measure, the skirt is being held up by a very optimistic hunk of fabric indeed.

Teyana Taylor

Teyana. meanwhile, seemed VERY enchanted to have diamonds resting in her nethercrack. I don't even want to think about whether they ARE actually, or whether the jeweler is prepared to fully disinfect this before loaning it out again. This cannot be a common issue.

in Schiaparelli

From the front, it's swooping and sexy and great. I really love her -- her win was a thrill and her speech was excellent-- and she is about the only person in there who could pull off the buttock thing, but like... we could also just NOT, you know?

Jennifer Lopez in vintage Jean-Louis Scherrer from 2002

This is hideous. Never change, lover. I also enjoy her going vintage, but that tulle absolutely DOES look it, in an "improperly stored" kind of way.

At least the zipper is not exposed -- that's pretty artfully done. There IS some nice work here! I just wish they had done more of it. Imagine the whole thing in that scrollwork, without the musty tutu.

Jon M. Chu

Jon is making the statement that we should ALL be wearing more decals.

Joe Keery

Joe Keery wants us to know that he's working his way back up to Steve Harrington's signature bouffant, and to make SURE we noticed it, he frosted himself. Sir, we had Ryan Cabrera once, we didn't need it again. But thank you for giving us this to discuss!!! (Also, the cream jacket and the white shirt do not work! Tell your stylist!)

Connor Storrie in Saint Laurent

And my sweet beautiful Ilya Rozanov, in a perfect suit, soared to fame with the help of a darling mop of curlyish hair... only to go miserably low-flow with it on his big night. I weep for it! (Don't get mad at me, Heated Rivalry fans. I still love him. You cannot ruin this raw material.)

BUT SERIOUSLY. It's honestly very Male Model, like he should be glowering his way through a Dior Homme runway show. (And I do think Jonathan Anderson should want to get his hands on Storrie for the Met Gala.)

Ayanat Ksenbai

She is on a handful of Morning Show episodes so I'm guessing that's why she's there...? But maybe she's also there because the universe KNEW she would show up dressed as Bjork's take on Captain Jack Sparrow. THIS is what the Globes are for. If they're going to be shady and corrupt and full of conflicts of interest, then we AT LEAST need more of this to go with it.

Thank You to the Folks Who Tried Shit at the Golden Globes, Even If I Didn't Like It

How refreshing!