69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Let's start with the good news. That dark hair is super flattering on her. In fact, her FACE is super flattering on her. The genetic material is good on this one. But from the neck down....

69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

First of all, I'm pretty sure that when you've sprouted a third boob, right between your first two boobs, you should call a doctor rather than go to an awards show with it hanging there.

69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Is it possible that she's going for something Bridal? Because this is more Miss Havisham than the cover of In Style Brides -- PS, Jess, don't take that cover offer, it's cursed -- and also, that's awkwardly on the nose.

69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

SNORE. BORING. SNOOZEVILLE. BLAAAH.

W Magazine's Golden Globes Party

This was on Friday night. It is beyond me why she is so married to neutrals right now. This is ALSO boring, and her body is too good for something this form-fitting to be boring and yet BORING. SO BORING. SO BORED NOW.

W Magazine Party.

And RINGLESS. ESCANDELO! Surely this means something. I hope Us Weekly is on top of this. They are, right? I'm sure they are.

Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Jessica Biel

I just do not understand The Biel. If you're recently engaged, and Us Weekly says it's because your boyfriend just wants to shut you up, why wouldn't you start showing up places looking BLISSFUL and SEXED UP and AMAZING and NEVER BETTER? But every time she's arrived somewhere for the last forever she's looked like she just fell out of someone's attic. And not the fun dramatic kind where they're keeping their crazy wife -- the musty, dusty kind where your mother keeps the bridesmaid dresses she had to wear in the 70s. She also isn't wearing her ring, a fact our friendly local photographers have made sure to chronicle. Let's take a look.