69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

"EN GARDE! Wait, that's what bullfighters say, right? Also: LOOK AT MY LEGS. MY SKIRT IS MADE OF SHOWER CURTAINS!"

69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

"LOOK AT MY BREASTBONE AND ALSO ALL OF MY BREASTS BASICALLY!"

69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

"Now I shall give you sad consumptive face. Oh, woe is me. So sad. So nauseated. So wearing a dingy recycled plastic bag from the flea market as my skirt. So directional! Right? This is directional, right?"

69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

"And now I shall be COY."

69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

"AND NOW I SHALL LAUGH! BEHOLD MY DENTAL WORK, AMERICA!"

69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

"Regardless of what you think of this dress, you can't deny that I seem to be having a good time."

69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

"Admit it. This dress is terrible -- I am basically naked, and yet also still bland -- but you kind of like me now, don't you? DON'T YOU? YOU DO, DON'T YOU?"

69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Press Room

"Mission accomplished. I shall sneak off now! See you at the Emmys. GET YOUR FACES READY."

Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Piper Perabo

You know how we always say that Piper Perabo is unable to walk a red carpet without making the most insane series of facial expressions? It turns out she is also not above using her dress as a prop. I literally could not find a shot wherein she wasn't doing....something. This may have been intentional, as it is hideous. (Sorry, Piper. But we could see ALL OF YOUR BOOBS and also all the rest of you, and it's the color of dirty dishwater.) Let's see what we can piece together.