Jessica Chastain

This dress is achieving the miracle of making it look like her waist is being garroted. I'm concerned that after five hours of making the rounds in that thing, she'll be loaded back into her limo in two pieces. On the plus side, they will be clean pieces, so stitching them together should be a snap.

Jessica Chastain

And up close it makes her look like a giant pincushion. Maybe there was a miscommunication and she put on the dress before it was finished.

Jessica Chastain

This is more fun, and more flattering, but I think the hair is too cutesy for it. Vivienne Westwood demands something more punk rock.

Jessica Chastain

At least she's wearing a bra? But seriously, this is kind of cute. I almost want the skirt for myself. Possibly as an apron. I never wear aprons but a sparkly one would get me to start.

Golden Globes Fug Carpet/Other Assorted Fugs or Fabs: Jessica Chastain

For someone who, essentially, nobody had ever heard of before Cannes last May, Jessica Chastain is doing a really good job staying composed and keeping it interesting on the red carpet. That said, those are also very watered-down, tactful compliments to cover the fact that I'm bummed out by this dress choice. Though probably not as bummed out as her lungs were. In fact, I feel like I've expressed concern for a lot of people's torso parts in recent weeks. Should I start a foundation? Our ribbon could be black and blue, like a bruise, and in the shape of a ribcage. Think about it. [Photos: Getty]