Stacy Keibler
Let's begin with Lady Clooney, who -- SHOCKER -- was without her boyfriend by her side as she hosted a Halloween masquerade at a Vegas casino sponsored by some booze or other. (Intern George was busy salting and peppering his hair.) Masquerades are Halloween for people who don't actually like Halloween. She looks like she walked out of Pretty Little Liars, or Gossip Girl.
Fergie & Josh
Apparently Fergie is dressed as Angelyne, a cult figure in L.A. because she bought billboards to advertise herself back in the '80s. And Duhamel is what he says he is on his shirt. I appreciate the signage, because I might've thought he was a slimmer Jerry Garcia. It's quite boring. As for Fergie... it's kind of Katy Perry meets 2008 Kelly Osbourne, with a hearty dash of vaginal terror thrown in.
Christina Aguilera and Matthew Rutler
I have no idea what costume that is. It looks like it's her "Wolf-ravaged Christina Aguilera After Salon Accident" costume. So he's, what, her knight in shining armor? A waiter at Medieval Times? Where was he when she needed him at the beauty parlor?
Kim Kardashian
This is so hilariously ugly, my tear ducts can't even clear the mirth long enough to judge it. I mean, like it or not, Kim Kardashian is LOADED. She is leaking cash. She could have made this dress out of Benjamins and not noticed the shortfall. So why can't she go full Klum and get the best of the best? That's a limp bedsheet, somebody's vacation memento box, and a wig so aggressively tatty that it looks like fourth-hand extensions handed down from Real Housewife to Real Housewife before being left in a trash can outside Party City.
Kanye West
"I AM SUPPOSED TO BE THE SAILOR WHO RESCUED HER BUT LET'S FACE IT I KIND OF WANT TO THROW HER BACK IN THE OCEAN AND LET HER DISAPPEAR WITH ITS MOTION WITH A BOTTLE OF SUN LOTION AND TAKE AN AMNESIA POTION. I CALL THAT HAIR 'HURRICANE SANDY' BECAUSE IT'S WINDSWEPT AND RANDY AND KILLING MY APPETITE FOR CANDY. IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF GANDHI AND LONGER GONE THAN JESSICA TANDY AND THIN AND KINDA FREAKY LIKE GIULIANA DE PANDI. BUT SERIOUSLY STAY SAFE OUT THERE, EAST COASTERS. SEE? I FEEL DEEPLY."
Kim Kardashian
Yep, they're still there.
Ariel Winter
Okay. I'm not trying to be a crazy prude, and I actually defended her for the cleavage dress she wore to the Emmys a year or two ago because it wasn't super pervy to me, but... Ariel is 14, and this looks like she borrowed it from Sofia Vergara. Those pants are so low cut that Ilm actually NERVOUS.
Ariel Winter
I mean. I realize 14 is probably not as young as I want to think it is, now that I'm two decades removed from it, but... now that I'm two decades removed from it, FOURTEEN IS REALLY YOUNG TO WEAR CRACK-THREAT PANTS. Am I wrong? If so, I don't want to be right.
Christina Milian
Funny, I don't remember the Queen of Hearts being described as being a Valentine's day beer wench.
Alexa Vega
Girl, please. Wearing costumey ITEMS is not the same thing as wearing a costume. Lady Gaga wears this on a random Wednesday when she's doing the laundry.
Paris Hilton
I mean, please. That's not a column; it's a billboard.
Jessica White
Apparently Jessica White threw a Halloween lingerie party. Otherwise known as a lingerie party.
Richard Simmons
Wait, this might INTENTIONALLY not be a costume.
Shenae Grimes
I mean, THIS is a COSTUME. Apparently Chris March of Project Runway designed it based on a character from Monster High. I kind of love it. At least the theme of the clothes are appropriate for that, instead of just being, "Sexy Ghoul-Faced Schoolgirl." And way to go on going whole hog with the lenses, Shenae. Thumbs up.
Aubrey O'Day
Points for effort?
Darren Criss
Okay, here we go. Thank you, Darren, for trying. He was captioned as being a boy scout, although I don't know many boy scouts who carry rifles. Maybe it's like a Davy Crockett scouting superfan. Or, maybe I knew the wrong boy scouts.
Scott Disick
Of COURSE Scott Disick hosted an American Psycho-themed party dressed as the titular psycho. OF COURSE. Don't you feel like Kutting Up With The Kardashians is never terribly far away for him?
Neil Patrick Harris
Apparently, Neil Patrick Harris went as Sexy Dracula. I hope Dracula went as Sexy Neil Patrick Harris.
Brittany Snow
"I'm a BEE. Leave me alone. And ask the dude behind me why he's dressed as the Aflac duck as costumed by Siegfried and Roy."
Kid Rock
And Kid Rock went as "Kid Rock hits his head and forgets that he drinks Coors."