July 1996 at the "Jack" premiere

And here we have fresh-faced pre-fame La Lopez. How often do we ever get so deep into the archives as to see an Ojani Noa slide? This is La Lopez's first husband. She met him at a restaurant owned by Gloria Estefan, where she was waitressing, and in 2016 he was on Millionaire Matchmaker. He might be A Piece Of Work. Per her Wikipedia, they were only married from Feb 1997-Jan 1998, but: [i]n April 2006, she sued to prevent him from publishing a book about their marriage, contending that it violated their confidentiality agreement. The following year, a court-appointed arbitrator issued a permanent injunction forbidding Noa from "criticizing, denigrating, casting in a negative light or otherwise disparaging" Lopez. She was awarded $545,000 in compensatory damages and Noa was ordered to hand over all copies of materials related to the book to Lopez or her attorney. A lawsuit regarding a compromising private honeymoon video in Noa's possession is presently running.

1997

The J.Lo of today MIGHT rewear that dress. Definitely not the shoes, and I think she'd rather die than knot a sweatshirt over her shoulders. It would have to be made of fur/a fur substitute.

May 1998 MTV Movie Awards

What do Jennifer Lopez and Donna Martin have in common? That hair, and honestly, probably also that outfit.

1998 VMAs

Let's be real: Somewhere Dua Lipa is wondering if she can wear this NOW.

Oct 1998

And here, a sensitive exploration of open sides.

1999 Grammys

I think those shoes are coming back around. Not on HER, but... I feel like we'll see some in a TCAs slideshow or whatever.

March 1999 Oscars in Badgley Mischka

This is okay, if a little uninventive, but it's the shadow or contouring on the inside of her nose that jumps out at me. It's VERY severe. (She wore a lot of Badgley when she was just revving up -- as if they're a starter brand or something.)

1999

I don't know who made any of this, but they look like Naeem Khan tried to make cargo pants. The shirt is terrible.

2000 Grammys in Versace

AND HERE IT IS. If you hadn't heard of Jennifer Lopez by this point, you absolutely did after this. She became a household torso after this sexy pool-party caftan situation at the Grammys. It's funny to look back at this and have my first thought be, "I don't know about her hair that way." I'm sure there's a strategy to it being a very innocent, almost schoolgirl half-up coif, and then all that sexpotness (sure, that's a word) everywhere else. But yeah. No longer is this shocking, that's for sure.

Sept 2000 VMAs

This will never NOT be hilarious.

March 2001 Oscars in Chanel

I remember it beng a big deal that we could see her nipples through this. I stand by that -- it's pretty bold for the Oscars, no matter what Geena Davis and Cher had done before her. And this outfit seemed designed to sneak it up on you more than any of their nakedish ensembles did. I also just don't like how it feels like Karl stuck a wedding skirt on over another dress. 

May 2001

This feels very 2001.

Sept 2001

Someone has, by this point, started to take herself very seriously. This might be our earliest sighting of the classic Lopez fierceface that ends up looking like she's failing an eye test at the doctor.

March 2002 Oscars in Versace

THIS HAIR. The dress is meh, so maybe that's why she went sky-high with her head.

May 2002

"C X G B... shit, is that an O or another C."

Feb 2003

I don't even care that we can't see her outfit (which I assume is Pucci). It's BENNIFER, Y'ALL. Is Ben wearing eyeliner? He for sure had the hair plugs at this point, right? Look at that thicket. Look at that baby face. Look how SHELL SHOCKED he seems. They got engaged in November 2002, so by now he might have been genuinely afraid of what The Bennifer Phenomenon had unleashed.

March 2003 Oscars in Valentino

He still looks so stressed out. She looks super.

July 2003

This was two months before they "indefinitely" postponed their wedding the day before it was supposed to happen. It has indeed not been rescheduled.

Oct 2003 in D&G

This is so dramatic.

April 2004

Let's all say a prayer that super low-rise pants will STAY GONE. She looks like an extremely overstyled newsie.

August 2004

Her shoes have feathers on them. Lots of people have allergies to feathers, so it's really considerate of her to have attached so many hankies to her skirt.

Sept 2004

This is amazing. It was at an event for the "J. Lo Ultimate Makeover Sweepstakes," in which 20 people won makeovers from her stylists, and this looks like it was ripped directly from the pages of a Sears catalog in 1974.

Jan 2005

This works if you're expecting a pool party to break out at the NRJ Awards.

March 2005

This hasn't aged well.

May 2005

Well well! J.Lo and A.Rod, back when she was with Mark. I hope they have this photo on their mantel. I also really love that J.Lo, at this point already megafamous, is at a baseball game dressed like a normal person.

May 2005

"You say I need glasses? Where am I going to keep them? In my sleeve-bags!?... Oh, actually, hmm."

2005

JLo really WENT FOR IT with her hair sometimes, didn't she?

May 2005

Yeah, this is a performance outfit, but it's her birthday today! She looks like her own celebratory fireworks.

Sept 2005

Belting a turtleneck. Mmmkay.

Oscars 2006 in Jean Desses

I actually love this and wish she'd wear it again. 

May 2006

This is the face of a woman who realizes that her dress needs either a hoik or a total bodice redesign.

August 2006

This swim cap outfit is amazing. The boots are terrible, it's all sort of crazy, and it's on my all-time J.Lo list for sheer hilarity and impact.

Nov 2006

This was for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes's joint stag/hen night. So, basically just... a general party? I would guess that this is Marchesa.

March 2007 in Marchesa

This sort of soft older-Hollywood glam seemed a bit costumey on her.

March 2007

"Yes. It's true. I'm also a witch."

Oct 2007

This is one of my favorite J.Lo performance outfit. It's so much funnier than all the naked outfits. I THINK at this point she was pregnant, and SHE knew it but the world didn't yet.

Oct 2007

Jennifer, seriously, you cannot be in the sexy militia if you cannot pass an eye test.

Globes 2009 in Marchesa

That's one of her best gowns. It is really a shame Marchesa and Georgina won't distance themselves from Harvey, because sometimes they really did churn out great stuff.

Jan 2009

This is like a giant from pre-Revolution France lent her his bow tie and she turned it vertical.

Sept 2009

If she hugs someone, won't her head be sliced off?

October 2009

I admit, this outfit was a goal for me in 2009. She just looked cool. She still does.

Jan 2010

AND THEN. She rang in a rainy New Year's Eve with Ryan Seacrest and a national audience in THIS.

Feb 2010 Grammys

I hate telling people to pick a lane, but when it comes to this design... pick a lane.

March 2010 Oscars in Armani

Her hair looks messy with this. Which I guess is apt, because I think all that attempted drama on the left side of her body is ALSO messy.

March 2010

What she changed into for the Vanity Fair party was worse, though. It was not a triumphant outing.

April 2010

She looks like she pulled on a sparkly wastebasket and it's squeezing her chest out.

Met Gala, May 2010

That's also got to be Marchesa. It's... fine! Very possibly needs a hoik.

May 2010

Look how young Moonlight is! Although no one but me and my friend Carrie remembers that show (HE WAS A VAMPIRE WHO COULD SMELL THE PAST!), and I guess now he's Hawaii Five-O. Anyway: He feels cut from a similar cloth to Milo Ventimiglia, who just played her love interest in Second Act. ALSO, HER HAIR.

May 2010

Although I enjoy the kitschy J.Lo from the previous slide more.

May 2010

This needs different hair, right? THIS might've needed the demi-beehive.

June 2010

Oh, God. Those weird metal things that look like huge piercings. I do not miss their short time in the sun.

Oct 2010

And now, another brief flirtation with sheers. She hasn't fully embraced them by this point, but IT'S COMING.

Globes 2011 in Zuhair Murad

I can't remember how I felt about this at the time. It's not terrible, but the netting-based poncho drags it down a little, I think? In the sense that it creates a mild slouchiness? I'm torn, though. 

Globes 2011

She wore this Party Girl take on the concept at an afterparty and I do think it's more fun on her.

Grammys 2011 in Pucci

Her legs have just always been exemplary.

May 2011

I admire her for making sure her face pulls focus amid all that other crazy stuff happening on her torso.

June 2011

I cherish this photo. Maybe I'll put it on MY piano.

July 2011

Remember when Mary-Louise Parker said that J.Lo shoved her aside so she could run over and meet Will and Kate? That allegedly happened in this dress. (She also apparently broke up with Mark Anthony the day before, so it's like... FOXY DIVORCE SNAKE ARM).

Oscars 2012 in Zuhair Murad

Split sleeves are not my thing. Here, we have her flirting more with the illusion of sheer, also. If we want to find an evolution.

Oscars 2012

I liked this post-Oscars dress a lot better.

Jan 2013 Golden Globes in Zuhair Murad

MORE illusion of sheer. Zuhair Murad was a big part of her journey through nudity, and she in fact made that line famous, I believe.

Feb 2013 Grammys

I think it was determined later that this was built around a leotard.

May 2013

This was the punk-themed Met Gala. Her HEAD at least works for that? The dress is just any old thing she'd wear any old time. Although that's true of her now at any Met Gala, I think, simply because she has proven that to her EVERY occasion can be done TO THE MAX.

May 2013

If only this hadn't started molting the night before.

June 2013 Walk of Fame

Those shoes are too strong with this, but otherwise, she's ideally covered for a Walk of Fame event. She can get up and get down in this with no modesty concerns.

June 2013

Her makeup seems underbaked.

Oct 2013

This is vampire-bait, right? She's like, "IMAGINE ALL MY BLOODY BLOODY VEINS, EVERYONE! THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!" Maybe it's actually vampire-taunting.

May 2014 in Donna Karan

This feels like Donna Karan trying to be Donatella.

July 2014 in Versace

Ahhh, remember the hybrid pant-skirt? We have endured some confusing times.

August 2014 VMAs

This dress is obviously not to my tastes, but.... it cannot be denied that she looks effing fantastic in it. I mean, that's true of a lot of people in a lot of dresses I don't like, but just LOOK at her.

Sept 2014 in Versace

Another leotard, I'm pretty sure. Oh, Donatella. OH JENNIFER.

Oct 2014 in Valentino

I just thought this was cute.

Nov 2014 in Reem Acra

And THIS feels like Reem Acra trying to bait her with a dress that looks a lot like that other VMAs one, and it's the inferior version.

Nov 2014 in Zuhair Murad

I would like this BETTER if it weren't underboob-forward.

Nov 2014 in Zuhair Murad

There was no way I could include all her pap walks in this slideshow, but this at least reminds us all that J.Lo also loves a crazy pant.

Nov 2014 in Gucci

I do LOVE IT when she chases some wackiness with something beautifully simple. I want better lipstick, though.

Jan 2015 in Zuhair Murad

Did they fit the bodice to her with actual glue? The way that lies is looks clumsy, which is a shame because the caftanic-ness of this is so fun.

Jan 2015 in David Koma

This was my first exposure to David Koma's work, and I screamed.

Jan 2015 in David Koma

She, however, ordered up a second.

Feb 2015 in Elie Saab

Sure! I will always advocate color, and maybe nasal spray if one is having trouble breathing through one's nose, but she looks great in this.

Feb 2015 in Zuhair Murad

And naturally, her replacement outfit is only EVER SO SLIGHTLY less Extra.

Feb 2015 in Tom Ford

May 2015 in Zuhair Murad

At a certain point with her, I just sit back and applaud. By now she's ripened into the J.Lo of today, in terms of sheerness and sheer boldness, and... get it, Jenny.

Met Gala 2015 in Versace

The EFFORT it takes to get your body to a place where you would then put this dress on it.

May 2015 in Zuhair Murad

It's like she KNOWS I'm going to laugh at this.

May 2015 in Charbel Zoe

Okay, there are still some times when she makes me yelp, and this was one of them. IT. IS. HIDEOUS.

June 2015 in Valentino at the Tonys

But she rebounded nicely.

July 2015 in Bao Tranchi

This looks pecarious, but it's also hugging her pretty adeptly.

Sept 2015 in Michael Costello

This is very Evel Knievel. Aw, I just typed that and realized that while it's a reference that comes so quickly to me, my children have NO IDEA who or what an "Evel Knievel" was. That somehow makes me sad.

Oct 2015

This look always relaxes me, somehow.

Nov 2015 AMAs

THIS ONE DOES NOT.

Jan 2016 in Giambattista Valli

At the time I am pretty sure I had notes on it. With hindsight, I've softened toward it, but I still think it doesn't need quite as much going on as it has.

July 2016

She wore this to perform on The Today Show with Lin-Manuel Miranda, and I feel happy for him about it. Because this is  great Peak J.Lo Batshittery, and if someone inexplicably told me I was performing with her tomorrow, I would want it to be a similarly full experience.

Nov 2016

Sheers are her happy place.

Jan 2017

"Hmm, cleavage, jewelry.... WHAT ABOUT CLEAVAGE JEWELRY."

Feb 2017 Grammys in Ralph & Russo

Lots of people loved this, but it wasn't quite for me. The neck floof left me cold.

April 2017 in Julien Macdonald

When I was looking up the credit for this (I guessed Macdonald and I was right, YAY, that never happens), I found a site that referred to it simply as "an elegant black dress." I feel like.... only the word "black" is indisputable in that sentence.

May 2017 in Valentino

She looks great, but Rei Kawakubo-themed it was not.

Nov 2017

What a terrible mess. The dress, not the coupling, although I worry about that too.

Jan 2018

She looks like the head cheerleader at the Super Bowl of napkin-folding.

April 2018

That's all so Boobs Legsly of her.

April 2018

I appreciate a purple disco ball as much as the next person. ... That's it. That's my thought.

July 2018

THE PANTABOOTS. THE BOOTALOONS. NEVER FORGET.

May 2018

All I can do is laugh. WITH her, I hope.

May 2018

I LOVE her hair that length and wish she would keep it that way. The skirt looks askew -- probably on purpose -- but I kind of like this whole outfit, and I think the hair is a big reason why it's working for me. 

May 2018

I don't need to tell you what theme this year's was.

August 2018 in Versace

She looks fabulous. I'm not in love with the extensions, but it's not a worthy nit to pick.

August 2018 in Versace

This, she wore to the afterparty. I sure hope that's breathable fabric.

Oct 2018

Love it from the front, don't want to see all the underpinnings in the back.

Oct 2018

This outfit never, ever ceases to make me laugh. WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

Deb 2018 in Giambattista Valli

She went HARD for the Second Act premiere, and I appreciate her for it. There is no way this outfit wasn't getting covered to the hilt, and therefore, so did the movie. (I watched it on a plane. I have NOTES -- the ending is a mess - but it was perfect for a flight where I had to get up a lot to let the beans use the bathroom.)

Feb 2019

Bless her heart. Seriously.  BLESS IT.

Feb 2019 in Tom Ford

That's pretty fantastic.

Feb 2019 in Zuhair Murad

I really liked this, as well, actually.

May 2019

This is kind of the fancy Met Gala version of her old 2006 VMAs swim cap. The theme was camp, and Jennifer DID IT UP.

June 2019

I wanted to finish on that last photo, but we're being both thorough AND chronological here, so: here. It's apt, though, that we end on abs and a cropped turtleneck and a massive skirt that for a hot second looked like it could have been giant pants. Happy birthday, J.Lo. Thank you for going HARD for, what, 25 years now? You are a GFY Icon indeed.

Happy 50th Birthday, Jennifer Lopez!

Behold, an expansive tribute.