1984's "Nightmare on Elm Street"
This is Johnny Depp's first recorded credit, and yes, that hair is a thing that happened. He looks like Fred Savage, from back when even Fred Savage was probably like, "I can't believe my hair is a thing that is happening."
Johnny Depp: 21 Jump Street, 1987-1990
This is the Johnny Depp most ladies of my generation -- who are not me -- fell in love with: The 21 Jump Street version. I never saw that show because we didn't move back to the U.S. until it was over, but I'm told he exploded many teenage hearts and probably bedecked a few walls and ceilings, in a way that -- in books -- is probably as hilariously dated to current teens as the time I read Judy Blume's Just As Long As We're Together and the main character was in love with Richard Gere, although she renamed him Benjamin Moore, after the paint, because she liked it better. Beats Sherwin Williams. THAT guy is romance-challenged.
1990: Crybaby
Oh cheekbones. Oh oily bouffant. It is weird to think that this movie and Edward Scissorhands came out in the same year. He seems so very much older in stills for that movie.
May 1990: Sassy Magazine
This is for all you Sassy-ites out there. It's no wonder people loved him -- in this photo he gives off that maddening dreamy-rebel-boy aura of, "You're here? Whatever. No big deal. I'm unaffected. OR AM I? ... I am. IF YOU SAY SO. But, I am. Maybe."
Wino Forever
I just wanted us to remember the good times, back when a tattoo was forever.
1993: Benny & Joon
Okay, so I am the wrong person to be on duty the week Depp turns fifty, because I never saw a LOT of these movies. In fact, so far, I'm zero for everything. I REMEMBER this coming out, and I loved Mary Stuart Masterson, but somehow I saw her and Christian Slater in Bed of Roses and yet missed this one. He DOES make the whole Mad Hatter look seem appealing, though -- so much more here than when he actually DID play the Mad Hatter and looked like what would happen if you took hallucinogens and then visited an Elijah Wood fan site.
1993: What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
HERE is a blast from the past. Johnny Depp is all, "Here I am, trying to emote in my sweater, wondering what is eating me and perhaps what I will eat, and this pipsqueak over here is jawing about blah blah blah Kirk Cameron blah."
February 1994 Us Weekly cover
This cover implies Johnny Depp was in the crew turning 30, but actually, he was already 30 and in fact halfway to 31. Brad Pitt had been 30 for a month. Keanu turned in September of 1994, and Marisa, in December of that year (making this kind of a lazy, weird cover -- like somebody woke up one day in a haze and was like, "Holy shitballs, PEOPLE I HAVE HEARD OF ARE THIRTY AND STUFF"). So basically, what you need to learn here is that Brad Pitt will be 50 in December, Keanu Reeves and Marisa Tomei are coming up in 2014, and Bridget Fonda -- born in January 1964 -- is the only one of this group whom Hollywood apparently did not care to let grow up. Unless she took herself out of the game first.
Don Juan DeMarco, 1994
THIS movie, I have seen. In the only film class I ever took. It wasn't as terrible as I expected it to be. It was also our first clue that Johnny would look bangin' in a pirate shirt.
Esquire magazine, April 1995
He still basically looks like this, when he leaves the hats at home and cuts his hair.
Donnie Brasco, 1997
Forgive me for this, but he has kind of a Giovanni Ribisi vibe in the giant shooting-range glasses.
Donnie Brasco, 1997
He wears the mustache with more authority later in life, I think. He looks like such a plaintive little newsie here.
Rolling Stone, 1998
A touch too much airbrushing for my taste. It looks almost like a drawing.
November 1999: Sleepy Hollow premiere
She looks so pretty. He looks so underwhelmed, and greasy. Maybe he had just had a premonition that in 2013, FOX would dig up this mythology and turn it into a National Treasure/Thor hybrid.
December 2000: "Chocolat" premiere
Such a nice young schoolboy.
March 2001: Blow Premiere
I think we are beginning to see the Johnny Depp who was at war with the world's perception of him as a heartthrob.
October 2001: "From Hell" premiere
Wait, maybe THIS is the beginning of the Johnny Depp who was at war with the world's perception of him as a heartthrob, because that hair right there is SABOTAGE. It's so slicked you could pierce yourself with one of the front chunks.
August 2003
And now he's really starting to hide under hat brims.
January 2004
Just so you know, Johnny Depp did ombre hair first. AND SOCIETY DIDN'T LEARN.
February 2004: Oscars
ACK. And at he Oscars. Why was no citizens' arrest made? That is a Flowbee violation.
September 2004: "Finding Neverland" at Venice Film Festival
Ahhhh. I feel like I've been holding my breath for several slides now and I can finally exhale and LIVE AGAIN. Don't fight the pretty so hard, Johnny. I'm sure it's your blessing and your curse and yada yada psychology blah just let us see your bone structure.
October 2004: "Finding Neverland" UK Premiere
Johnny Depp IS Harry Potter in the stunning eighth book in the saga, Harry Potter and the 100,000 Word Doctoral Thesis.
February 2005: Oscars
Johnny Depp IS Harry Potter in the stunning ninth book of the saga, Harry Potter and the Sirius Black Paternity Test.
January 2006: Golden Globes
It's funny -- Johnny Depp dated both Wino Forever and Kate Moss quite seriously, and I see them both here in Vanessa. She has Winona's giant doe eyes that seem tinged with nerves at being in the spotlight, and she has more of a general aura in common with Kate Moss -- the waif thing, maybe, and the faint boho vibe. It's all enough of a piece that it doesn't surprise me that he landed here after being with them. Also: He looks like a matador who overslept.
May 2007: "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" premiere
Get your hair out of your face, child.
September 2007
Johnny Depp IS Robert Downey, Jr. in I'm Back, Bitches.
December 2007
He does love this facial hair configuration. It gives him such a villainous air. The kind of guy who you KNOW is going to tie you to the train tracks, so you shoudn't answer the door, but you can't help it because what if he just wants to tie you to the bedposts, and don't you owe it to yourself to find out?
January 2008: Sweeney Todd premiere
Johnny Depp IS Keanu Reeves in Be Excellent To Each Other: How I Got Lost In My Man-Bangs And Found Myself.
June 2009: "Public Enemies" premiere
Johnny Depp IS Skeet Ulrich in Hey, Remember Me, I Did Things Once Too You Know.
Vanity Fair, July 2009
This almost looks like some other person entirely -- like some dude who is in character to play Johnny Depp, or Johnny Depp in character to play a slick politician from The Past.
November 2009
This coupling will have to happen one day if anything wrong ever befalls Tim Burton.
March 2010: "Alice In Wonderland" Japan Premiere
There is so much Steven Tyler in this, which is not the direction I ever expected Johnny Depp to do.
February 2011: "Rango" premiere
However, he can still smolder with the best of them, even through all this.
May 2011: Pirates 4 premiere
This feels like his Nightmare On Elm Street poof is trying to re-emerge.
November 2011: Rum Diary premiere
Yes, Johnny, we see the discarded suspenders. You have not escaped.
September 2012
It starts to feel, after a while, like he is begging for your attention as he simultaneously shrinks from it. Johnny. It's okay to be smoking hot. Really. BE IT.
March 2013
Not really what I had hoped.
April 2013
Oh, God, and now I'm worried you're not getting enough protein or Vitamin D. Good sir, RECLAIM. YO. SELF.
June 2013
Updated April 2017 from here on out. Johnny did clean it up for this one, though. This is veering back into Highly Tappable territory.
Jan 2014
I don't remember why Johnny went blond, but I am not mad at it. He looks distinguished here. But hang onto your marbles, because we're about to take another sharp turn.
March 2014
It's... not his worst, but he seems very dazed, as if he to did not anticipate such a hard left.
April 2014
This was one of those entrances where MTV treated his attendance like a sexy man-surprise, and I do think maybe those days are past us all now.
May 2014
This all could have worked, but he seems a little clammy.
January 2015
At the time I'm sure we lamented that Peak Depp was behind us, but what if we look back and realize that for this era, this WAS Peak Depp?!?
Jan 2015
The double-breasted suit did not work. He looks very much forced into it.
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I feel you, John Depp II.
Sept 2015
He's trying, but I guarantee you those clothes fell off the hanger in his closet last night, and he knew it, and was like, "Eh."
YOUR HAIR, JOHNNY.
The wide-open shirt and necklaces make this look kind of sleazy on him. Also, I really wish Amber Heard was not in these photos, given how badly that ended, but unfortunately those are the ones we picked at the time.
I am surprised Justin Bieber hasn't attempted a Latter-Day Depp phase. I guess his life is still getting started. It could happen.
Nov 2015
And now I feel like he's back to looking like a Johnny Depp impersonator.
Nov 2015
Amber, him wearing those shoes again is not NEARLY as worth looking at as HIS PROBLEMATIC HAIR. AGAIN.
Jan 2016
That seems like anxiety hair, right? I don't mean that glibly. I mean that it looks like he has raked his hand through it and then pulled upward many, many times, as if dreading his attendance. Oh, Johnny.
Feb 2016
Sometimes I think Johnny and Jared Leto, both of whom occasionally bury themselves under the trappings of rock music, would have much to discuss.
July 2016
I guess when you're performing with the great Alice Cooper, you don't want to show up with no eyeliner on at ALL. I do almost like the hair on him, though. Better than stringy and in his face.
Jan 2017
A head-scarf and a hat. And all those STRINGS. I'm surprised he doesn't have an accessory line at Wet Seal.
Jan 2017
And here is Johnny pulling it together to accept a People's Choice Award, seeming both flummoxed and grateful that people still are choosing him. Hopefully his appearance here is a harbinger that the next act of his life will be healthier and safer for everyone involved.