Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
We begin here with this ode to 80s insanity, workout wear, and macrame. It's just the cocktail you never wanted. It's like drinking something made with Bacardi 151: It burns out your insides.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
Macrame? ACKrame. AM I RIGHT. (I'm not even the one who had to watch Downton and The X-Files last night and recap them in one big swoop. I have no excuse for that kind of tired-brain output.)
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
It's just such a nightmare, and I'm terrified someone will show it to Hailee Steinfeld and tell her it's perfect for her new image.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
Have you ever wondered what it would look like to be caught in a fisherman's net and then TP'd for added shame? Voila.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
IT'S SO UNFLATTERING. I AM ASTONISHED. That bodice looks like a tiny person flew smack into her chest, spread-eagle, and is trying to cling there for dear life until Prince William arrives in his rescue copter.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
Klum or J.Lo?
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
Klum or Hudson?
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
Well at least we know Rosie Huntington-Whiteley won't wear this, given that she's already doing so. So I guess that's Klum, or... hmm. It's just not even revealing enough for K.Hud or J.Lo.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
There are actually some semi-cool elements to this. It's overdone, but I could see a Zendaya showing up in this somewhere and we'd all be like, "Oooooh, yes, I think."
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
I just had this weird flash of Karlie Kloss putting this on in Cannes.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
This feels like somebody's virtual-reality holodeck slowly being deleted.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
And now we get to the ropes and pulleys section of the party. SURELY this has Cannes written all over it.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
Gigi Hadid got the suit version. Which is horrible. It's all horrible.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
Never one to be subtle, Donatella went the extra mile and gave her a knot necklace AND knot earrings and knot shoes. I am knot enamored.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
Somehow in the runway, this looks less like rope and more like moldering old intestines.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
God help us all.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
This isn't TAHT bad? I almost think it'd work better if the mesh shirt wasn't there.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
This looks just as dumb from the front. Trust.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
And this seems reasonable and cute, right? And you're like, "Oh, okay, maybe sanity is prevailing." But...
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
... STIRRUP PANTS. SCOURGE OF MY NINTH-GRADE PHOTOS.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
This is the one reasonable thing that will be offered to her favorite redheads, Amy Adams and Jessica Chastain.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
If that fit properly and went all the way down, instead of devolving into more netting, we might be in business. But if you can't even fit your MODELS...
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
Perfectly cute, if see-through. That's probably got Bella Thorne Goes To The Teen Choice Awards all over it.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
Yeesh.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
By comparison I rather like this. Tennis anyone?
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
By comparison I ALSO sort of like THIS. I mean, it'd need modifications out in the real world, but it's for SURE one of the most soothing portions of this runway show.
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
I... might like the shoes?
Haute Couture Week: Versace S/S 2016
This is mangling her so badly. MAKE IT STOP. Oh, wait, it will. We're at the end. PRAISE.