Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Those shoes are glorious. The gown looks like Laura Ashley after sniffing some glue.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
This feels like something a young Elizabeth I had kicking around her closet for visits from her favorite gents.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
And this, something she wore when she was 5.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
In pre-K, my kids did a lot of pictures where they tore off small pieces of construction paper and balled them up tight with their fingers -- it tests hand strength ad motor skills and such -- and then glued them to construction paper. This is basically the couture version of that.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
These are very beautiful but also something I would never, ever know how or when to wear. So I guess it's good that I will never be faced with that dilemma.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
The arm balloons are just a little much for me.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Even Anne Shirley is like, "Um, pass." (Also, Gwyneth already kind of did this, in a one-armed way.)
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Ruffs are... rough, y'all.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
I don't like it. But I would VERY much enjoy hugging whomever wears it.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
It's cooler when it aspires to be an actual, real coat.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Who is going to dare? Do we think this would be, say, the one thing Emma Stone picks for a press tour that is the WHAT THE HELL LET'S GIVE IT A SHOT option? She is not afraid of weird, for sure.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
That little mini-dress is really cute. Strip it down into a strapless cocktail frock and I'd probably be in. Conditionally. Because who the hell knows how the wearer would style it. But if you put it with black patent pointy-toed flats, it would be very Alexa Chung to me. Actually, she might keep the ruffles just over her shoulders.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Is it weird that the thing harshing my buzz the MOST here is the lilac tights?
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Yank off the rosettes and we're onto something.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
I can see Rihanna in this, for a performance. Like at the VMAs or something.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
This is sot of pretty. Is it Stockholm Syndrome?
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Oh noooooo. It's Coachella Goes To The Nightly News.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
But again, THE SHOES. I wish to cuddle them tightly to my person.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
This is as if she was posing for a Hans Holbein portrait but only from the bosom up.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Because obviously there needed to be a pants version. For business. Holbein-related negotiations.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Deliciously capey.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
I could ALSO see Rihanna in THIS, but just to run her errands.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
This has European Photocall of Summer Blockbuster written all over it.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
There is a better outfit yearning to be let out. No, seriously. It's bursting forth.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
I actually think that could be very cute, on the right person. Make it knee length and give it to Keira, for instance. Or Zoe Saldana.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Good fabrics, strangely treated. (That's a statement you could apply to almost every show, ever.)
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
And, a big hell no from me.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
She seems as bummed out as I am by this.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
If grief were inversely proportionate to thigh inches, then this widow would not be very upset.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Dueling nightcaps.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
I want to remove the weird tier in the middle of this cake.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
I will like this infinitely better without the First Communion hosiery.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Oy. Just don't, starlets.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Clip the tulle waterfall, and this is at least a BETTER option. It was probably fun to look at on the runway, though.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
I don't even need to say what I am thinking. You're all probably in the same chorus.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
I... like the color?
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Don't you wish Beyonce would turn up in this somewhere?
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
She can give this one to Solange.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
There were several things in this vein, with different necklines and in different hues, all cleaving to the basic idea of a pleated sheer bottom.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
Lined, that would be striking. I'm thinking Karolina Kurkova and I suspect it's because she is physically similar to this model.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
AND THEN.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
AND ALSO.
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
AND BOOM. (These are resplendently massive and soft-looking and probably insane to wrangle. They're the same family as the gown Lena Dunham wore years ago where she said it looked like cake and felt like sweatpants, and that still seems apt. I want Taylor Swift to put one on immediately and see how she does.)
Giambattista Valli at Haute Couture Week, Fall 2016
And lucky for us, we get a wedding gown. I love when fashion shows end with something bridal. Even if the dress itself is a giant cotton ball. Nobody would be talking about you; it would all be, "Wow, she looked.... like something I pulled out of a bottle of Advil."