STUFF I MADE
"LISTEN, LADIES, KANYE IS HERE FOR YOU. I'M NOT UP HERE TELLING YOU TO ONLY WEAR ONE BELT. I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT ALL. I WANT YOU TO PUT THEM TOGETHER AND LET IT RIP LIKE A GIANT CURLING WHIP FROM A DOMINATRIX'S HIP WITH THAT SPECIAL KANYE ZIP, SO DON'T WORRY IF YOU TRIP. THAT'S WHY I MADE THE PILLOWY FUR BACKPACK."
STUFF I MADE
"THIS IS MY EMPIRE STRIKING BACK, JACK. PRINCESS LEIA DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL A YAK OR PUT ITS SACK INSIDE HER PACK -- SHE IS TOTALLY BANGIN' EVEN WHEN SHE IS JUST MAKING COCKTAILS."
STUFF I MADE
"I CALL THIS 'KRISTEN WIIG GOT CAUGHT IN THE RAIN AND THEN WALKED IN A TAR PIT.'"
STUFF I MADE
YOU MIGHT CALL THIS A CHOKER AND THINK I'M DARK LIKE BRAM STOKER, BUT TO ME IT'S A COLLAR AND I BET YOU A DOLLAR IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A BALLER SO GIMME A HOLLER -- TEN FREE TO THE FIRST CALLERS. SEE WHAT I DID THERE? THAT IS SOME HOMOPHONIC SCIENCE RIGHT THERE."
STUFF I MADE
IF YOU THINK THIS STUFF IS GRIM AND KINDA DULL THEN YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT, BUT LET ME REMIND YOU THAT BEYONCE STILL HASN'T WON ANY VMAs SINCE I CRASHED THAT STAGE AND TRIED TO TURN THE PAGE ON TAYLOR SWIFT'S REPETITIVE DAZE. AND I WASN'T NOMINATED FOR ENOUGH GRAMMYS AND THAT IS A QUADRUPLE WHAMMY AND DAMN I NEED A SAMMY BUT THERE IS NO MOON OVER MY HAMMY THAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL LESS CLAMMY, AND ALSO WHY IS DIDDY DATING CAMMY? HE ALREADY HAS A GIRLFRIEND."
STUFF I MADE
DO YOU EVER WONDER WHY CHAIN MAIL, THE ARMOR, IS CALLED THE SAME THING AS CHAIN MAIL, THAT THING WHERE YOU SEND LETTERS TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT THEM? ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS USEFUL AND ONE OF THEM INSPIRED THIS BLOUSE AND I WILL LET YOU DECIDE BUT YOU HAVE TO PROMISE TO SEND YOUR DECISION TO TEN FRIENDS AND MAKE THEM WRITE THEIR NAMES UNDERNEATH YOURS AND THEN SEND IT TO TEN MORE PEOPLE, LIKE TWITTER BUT WITH HANDWRITING.
STUFF I MADE
LADIES, I AM HERE FOR YOU. AND I HEAR FOR YOU. AND WHAT I HEAR HERE IS THAT YOU ARE SERIOUSLY HOT FOR CLOTHES THAT MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A STEAMROLLER MADE LOVE TO YOUR LEFT SIDE. I KNOW IT'S TRUE. I'M YOUR BOY. DON'T PLAY COY. BE LIKE BEHAR-COMMA-JOY. NO SERIOUSLY. THAT CAT IS FIERY."
STUFF I LIKE
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS, BUT I REMEMBER WATCHING FLASHDANCE AND THINKING ALL THAT WELDING WOULD BE BETTER IF SHE HAD ON A NECK BRACE.
STUFF I MADE
I DESIGNED THIS WHEN JAY AND BEYONCE HAD THAT BABY AND I HAD TO DROP EVERYTHING AND THINK ABOUT MY OWN MORTALITY AND WHETHER JAY'S MOUTH WOULD ACTUALLY WORK ON A GIRL AND WHAT BREASTFEEDING WOULD FEEL LIKE, BECAUSE I AM A SCIENTIST IN WOLF'S CLOTHING. THOSE DUDES WINNING NOBEL PRIZES ARE FINE BUT I AM PRETTY SURE I WOULD WIN ONE BETTER.
STUFF I MADE
AND THEN I GOT DEPRESSED ABOUT BABIES AND SCIENCE AND WHEN I CAME OUT OF THAT RABBIT HOLE, I FOUND OUT I HAD ORDERED BABY BLUE A SEQUINED STRIPPER POLE AND WHEN YOU'RE A BABY FOAL THAT'S WORSE THAN A LUMP OF COAL SO I PUT IT IN MY BEDROOM. GOOOOOOOOOOOAL. AND THEN I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO DO ANYTHING ELSE WITH THIS OUTFIT SO THERE'S JUST A BELT AND SOME SHIT. SORRY."
STUFF I MADE
DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT IF KOALAS LIVED IN THE OCEAN? I DO. ALL THE TIME. LIKE WHENEVER JAY AND I ARE ONSTAGE SINGING THAT SONG FOR THE NINTH TIME IN A ROW, I AM ACTUALLY WONDERING ABOUT WHETHER MARSUPIALS CAN EVER GET GILLS, AND WHY DO DUCKS HAVE BILLS WHEN THEY CAN'T MAKE ANY MILS OR ROB ANY TILLS OR SELL ANY PILLS, AND WHEN JACK BROKE HIS CROWN DID HE SAY IN HIS WILL THAT ALL OF HIS ROMPERS SHOULD GO STRAIGHT TO JILL? SCREW JAY-Z, THIS SHIT IS IMPORTANT."
STUFF I MADE
SO NOW THAT IT'S DONE, THE POST-MORTUM HAS BEGUN. DID I TOTALLY WHIFF LIKE BIFF IN THAT TIFF WITH THE MCFLY KID'S LEFT FIST? WHEN I STOP BUYING WATCHES BECAUSE I'M POURING ALL MY CREATIVE JUICE INTO THE LIQUID MEASURE OF YOUR HEARTS, YOU PROBABLY EXPECT PANCAKES, AT LEAST, RIGHT? OR A BELGIAN WAFFLE? INSTEAD YOU GOT A COLD OMELET AND A HALF-EATEN SAUSAGE AND WITH THAT THERE'S NO GOOD RHYME SO I'LL HAVE TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME AND MAYBE DO A SCURVY-THEMED COLLECTION WHERE I TAKE MY BOW DRESSED AS A LIME. OH YES BABY. I'M FEELING IT ALREADY."