TYRA AND KIM AND KANYE AND STACY KEIBLER
"LISTEN, I AM NOT SAYING WE'RE GETTING MARRIED. MY GIRL IS ALREADY MARRIED. BUT IF WE WERE GOING TO DO THE DEED IT WOULD BE THE DOPEST WEDDING SINCE THE PRINCE OF ENGLAND DID THAT ABBEY SHIT WITH THE CARRIAGES AND THE INSIDE-TREES. AND SO IT DOESN'T HURT TO CHECK OUT THE MERCHANDISE, YOU FEEL ME? THE MARCHESANDISE. THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT. YEAH, TYRA, I GET THAT YOU ARE GOOD AT MADE-UP WORDS AND THAT'S NICE AND EVERYTHING BUT I JUST HAVE TO SAY THAT I AM THE BEST AT INVENTING WORDS AND I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE A DICTIONARY NAMED AFTER ME, ALTHOUGH YOU'RE REAL NICE TOO AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR NIGHT. YOU CAN TELL ME LATER WHY YOU'RE WEARING A TOASTED MERINGUE ON YOUR HEAD."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"WELL, THIS IS AN OKAY START, BUT IT'S LIKE WEARING A GIANT RUG AND I KNOW BUGS FIND THEM SNUG BUT THAT'S A LOT OF SHIT TO LUG AND IT WILL HIDE HER LADY-JUGS, AND DAMN, THAT IS A BIG HOLE I JUST DUG, CALLING KIM'S RACK "LADY-JUGS," BUT SHE CAN'T STAY MAD AT THIS MUG AND ANYWAY I'VE DECIDED THIS DRESS IS FUG BECAUSE IT MAKES IT HARD TO HUG AND FRANKLY I AM GOING TO NEED A HUG BECAUSE I WILL CRY A LOT AT MY WEDDING."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"KIM, BABY, YOU DON'T NEED A DRESS THAT LOOKS LIKE WE RUINED IT BY HONORING OUR TRUE LOVE IN THE BACK OF A LIMO. YOU NEED A DRESS THAT W CAN ACTUALLY RUIN BY HONORING OUR TRUE LOVE IN THE BACK OF A LIMO. LISTEN GEORGINA YOU ARE GOOD AT JACKING UP DRESSES, BUT I AM THE BEST DRESS-JACKER-UPPER OUT THERE SO YOU HAVE A NICE NIGHT NOW."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"Y'ALL, THAT TOP LOOKS STABBY. I CAN'T GET WITH A DRESS THAT'S GOING TO SCRATCH ME IN MY SEXY."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"OH, I AM FEELING THIS. IT'S FOR OUR NIGHT OF WEDDED BLISS WHEN MY SNAKE BEGINS TO HISS AND I'M ALL, 'GET A LOAD OF THIS,' AND SHE'S LIKE, 'THIS IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS,' AND THEN WE CROSS SOME SHIT OFF OUR KAMA-SUTRA LIST, AND I'M ALL, 'BABY, LET'S TEXT THAT FOOL KRIS,' AND SHE'S LIKE, 'YEAH, THAT DUDE LEFT SOME JOCK STRAPS IN MY PANTY DRAWER AND I NEED HIM TO TAKE THEM BACK.'"
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"THIS IS GREAT BECAUSE THE OTHER DAY I WAS LIKE, 'KIM, WHEN WE GET MARRIED HA HA HA HA BUT NO REALLY WHEN IT HAPPENS I HOPE WE DO IT BY GIVING YOUR BOOBS A GIANT OLD-MAN MUSTACHE,' AND SHE WAS LIKE, 'YOU MEAN LIKE GOD HAS?' AND I WAS LIKE, 'OH, THAT'S RIGHT, I FORGOT I MADE YOU SEE HIM LAST NIGHT BECAUSE I AM THE DOPEST LOVER EVER NOT THAT I WANT TO BRAG BECAUSE THAT IS WEAK BUT IT'S TRUE.' AND SHE WAS LIKE, 'WHERE IS MY EYELINER?' AND I WAS LIKE, 'I FEEL YOU.'"
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"THIS WILL ONLY WORK WHEN WE GET REMARRIED WHEN KIM IS FIFTY-EIGHT. IT WILL BE OUR FOURTH WEDDING TO EACH OTHER AND AT THE RECEPTION SHE IS GOING TO CRACK A WHISKEY BOTTLE OVER MY HEAD AND THEN I'M GOING TO GET HER PREGNANT WITH OUR FIFTH CHILD JUST TO PROVE I AM BETTER THAN BIOLOGY. YOU SHOULD COME TO THAT WEDDING. BY THEN I WILL HAVE THE BEST CHERUB RUG TO SHOW YOU."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"NOW THAT IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I ALWAYS SAID I WANTED MY GIRL TO GET MARRIED IN GILDED LONG JOHNS. OR WAS IT 'AT THE NEAREST LONG JOHN'S'? AND WHY DO WE HAVE TO DECIDE ANYWAY? CAN'T WE JUST DO BOTH? AS AN ARTIST I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO LIVE THE COMPLETE HUMAN EXPERIENCE AND MAYBE THAT MEANS MY LADY WEARING GLITTER LEGGINGS WHILE WE FEED EACH OTHER UNLIMITED SHRIMP AND FRIES."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"I MIGHT BUY THIS FOR MY GIRL FOR HER MORNING JOG BEFORE THE WEDDING. IT WILL BE SO GREAT WHEN IT STARTS SHEDDING 'CAUSE I'VE LOOSENED ALL THE THREADING AND BARER AND BARER IT STARTS GETTING AND THE REWARD FOR ALL MY MEDDLING IS WHEN SHE CALLS ME ALL, 'I'M FRETTING,' AND I SAVE THE DAY BY PICKING HER UP SOMEWHERE ON RUNYON CANYON AND MAYBE HAVING A QUICKIE IN A TREE IN THE DOG PARK BEFORE SHE GOES TO THE SPA. OR MAYBE NOT. I'M JUST SPITBALLING HERE."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"I THINK THIS IS WHAT THAT BLAKE MILDLY WORE WHEN SHE MARRIED THAT GREEN DUDE. I DON'T GET WHY SHE WOULD DO THAT. HE DOESN'T EVEN USE TWITTER."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"AND THIS IS WHAT MY LADY'S WOMB WILL LOOK LIKE ONCE WE GET MARRIED. I KNOW SOME OF YOU PEOPLE OVULATE ONCE A MONTH BUT MY LADY IS THE BEST AT OVULATION AND THERE WILL BE AN EGG FOR EVERY SWIMMER IN THE POOL SO SIT BACK AND STAY COOL WHILE KANYE TAKES YOU TO SCHOOL ON THE ART OF COOKING OVULES."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"HOWEVER THIS IS JUST STUPID."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEAVE THIS ONE FOR ONE OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. YOU KNOW, LIKE... OR THERE'S... YEAH YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU WITH ANY LADIES WHOSE NAME WAS NOT KARDASHIAN. DO YOU NEED ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO ANY OF THEM? I HAVE THE DOPEST FRIENDS. ONE OF THEM IS NAMED BEYONCE. I'M JUST SAYING. I'M SURE YOUR FRIENDS ARE GREAT BUT BEYONCE IS JUST BETTER AND THAT'S A FACT."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"HEY KIM REMEMBER THAT TIME WE WATCHED SEX AND THE CITY 2 AND I WAS LIKE, 'HEY, WHEN WE GET MARRIED HA HA HA HA BUT SERIOUSLY IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AND WHEN IT DOES WE SHOULD HONEYMOON THERE AND USE THIS MOVIE AS OUR GUIDEBOOK? YOU ARE GOING TO LOOK SO DOPE IN THIS OVER THERE. I LOVE THOSE LADIES. THAT CHARLOTTE IS MY TONIC -- SHE'S MAJOR LIKE PHONICS, AND HER SCIENCE IS SO HYDROPONIC THAT IT MAKES OUR BOND IONIC SO THE SEX IS HISTRIONIC, CACOPHONIC, PHILHARMONIC, AND THEN OUR SOULS GO SUPERSONIC AND I CAME UP WITH THIS KIM MNEMONIC: 'HOT DAMB.' IT MEANS 'HEY OVER THERE: DOPE-ASS MAMA IS BIONIC.' IT'S NOT VERY GOOD I'M STILL WORKING ON IT."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"HEY WHATEVER CAFTANS ARE FINE BUT CAN WE DO ONE WITH CLEAVAGE?"
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"THIS LOOKS LIKE THE NIGHT YOU PLAYED 'I'M GOING TO HIDE IN THE DRAPES UNTIL YOU PUT AWAY THE VIDEO CAMERA.' GOOD TIMES. YOU ARE THE BEST AT THAT GAME.
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"KIM WHEN WE GET MARRIED HA HA HA HA HA BUT NO REALLY WHEN IT HAPPENS MAYBE YOU SHOULD WEAR A COLOR. AND THESE WOULD BE EPIC VOWS, GIRL. EVERYONE SAYS NOTHING RHYMES WITH ORANGE. BUT TO ME THAT LOGIC IS FOREIGNGE BECAUSE I CAN THINK OF THIRTY-FORANGE WORDS THAT RHYME WITH ORANGE AND I'M GONNA TAKE THEM OUT OF COLD-STORANGE AND LAY THEM ON YOU LIKE HOT PORRIDNGE. THAT IS, ONCE I AM DONE SEARCHING THE INTERNET TO SEE IF ANYONE SELLS BOATS MADE OF GOLD."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"MAYBE THIS WILL BE FOR OUR TWELFTH WEDDING. LIZ TAYLOR WAS GOOD AT GETTING MARRIED BUT I KNOW I AM BETTER AT IT AND I WOULD PROVE IT TO YOU ALL RIGHT NOW EXCEPT I AM MAD HUMBLE."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"I LOVE THIS, KIM. IT MAKES ME THINK OF THE SEA, LIKE BEING ON A BOAT AND KILLING THE ENGINE FOR A FLOAT AS WE DRINK CHAMPAGNE AND BLOAT AND THEN FEEL PASSION AND THEN GLOAT AND IF WE GOT LOST AT SEA I'D SEND A NOTE IN A BOTTLE THAT I WROTE FULL OF ALL MY FUNNIEST QUOTES, AND THEN MAYBE IF YOU DIED I'D TAKE A VOTE AND WE'D DECIDE I COULD EAT YOUR THROAT BUT ONLY TO STAY ALIVE AND WIN A GRAMMY FOR THE ALBUM I WOULD WRITE ABOUT IT."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"DITTO."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"WEDDING NUMBER SIX, YO. WITH SLACKS. BIG ONES."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"I'M GONNA PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"HEY HAS ANYONE SEEN MY PIER 1 IMPORTS LINENS? AW, HELL, HARVEY, I SAID, 'I REALLY DIG BLADE RUNNER,' NOT, 'GEORGINA CAN MAKE SHIT OUT OF MY TABLE RUNNER.' YOU NEVER LISTEN, MAN"
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"THIS REMINDS ME THAT I NEED TO GO TO THE CAR WASH. I COULD WASH IT MYSELF -- I AM THE BEST AT CAR-WASHING -- BUT IF I LET OTHER PEOPLE DO IT THEN I AM REVVING THE ENGINE OF OUR CAPITALIST SOCIETY AND ALSO I DON'T LIKE WHEN MY FINGERS GET LIKE AN OLD LADY'S ELBOWS."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"OH HELL YES. WEDDING NUMBER ONE. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE KIM PLEASE."
MARCHESA - SPRING/SUMMER 2013
"AND THEN SHE CAN WEAR THIS WHEN WE LEAVE THE RECEPTION AND SHE THROWS THE BOUQUET ALTHOUGH SHE CAN'T REALLY THROW AN ENTIRE FLOWER SHOP AND THAT'S WHAT SHE'LL HAVE BECAUSE I AM BETTER AT FLOWERS THAN MOST PEOPLE AND I DON'T WANT RYAN SEACREST TO CUT HIS HANDS WHEN HE TRIES TO CATCH IT.
KIMYE KANDASHIAN
"ANYWAY WHEN WE GET MARRIED KIM HA HA HA HA HA NO BUT SERIOUSLY ACTUALLY MAYBE YOU COULD JUST WEAR THIS. I LOVE A GIRL IN SHAM-WOW DREADLOCKS. YOU'RE LIKE A SEXY MOP WHEN YOU PUT ON THAT TOP AND YOUR SHIT STARTS TO FLOP WHEN I SPIN YOU LIKE A TOP AND SHUT UP, RHYME COPS, I KNOW I RHYMED TOP WITH TOP, BUT DON'T GET IN A STROP -- I AM THE TOP OF YOUR POPS, FUNKY FABLES OF AESOP, AND I'M NOT GONNA STOP AND NOW I'LL GET IN THIS CAR AND CLIMB HER HILLTOP AND QUARTET HER BARBERSHOP AND IF YOU WANT TO LEARN THE ART OF LADY-SWEATSHOP I INVITE YOU TO EAVESDROP. BANG."
KIMYE KANDASHIAN
"I WAS NOT SERIOUS ABOUT THAT EAVESDROPPING THING. GO AWAY."