Jessica Chastain

Seriously, it is the CRUELEST TEASE. A navy beaded sheath, in the immortal words of Tiffany, could have been so beautiful.

Jessica Chastain

This effect is a lot more Mall than I assume she anticipated. I do feel some relief that she got this before Kim Kardashian did, because Kim would've found a way to wear it without the bespangled bra.

Jessica Chastain

I made a crack for Cosmo about how it looked like she bought such an expensive brassiere that she turned the dress around to show it off, and the back actually makes that seem LESS insanely far-fetched.

Jessica Chastain

But this is SO BAD on her. It's awful. It's fuggifying her to the nth degree, and looks like she thought a Dancing With The Stars moment might break out on the Vanity Fair dance floor. Does that mean I can blame this on the bossa nova?

Oscars Strangely Played Carpet: Jessica Chastain in Givenchy and H&M

I had hoped fleetingly that she was just in her pupal stage, preparing to hatch out of one skin and into a better one she'd grown underneath it. Sadly, the Oscars are only ever that dramatic in my head. [Photos: Getty]