The Winners

JUBILATION. Also, I don't know all my Penguins's faces, and Getty didn't have every player with the cup. So I do not know who the Thor with the very very blond beard is right there near the center, and it's killing me because he deserves credit. As soon as Fug Nation enlightens me, his name will go in here. WELL FOLLICLED, SIR.

Nick Bonino (right)

Nick Bonino got the pole position last year, too, and he's done himself one better this time. He has so much beard that if you removed it and placed it on his head like a tiara, it would be taller than Sidney Crosby's hair in this photo.

Also... you guys, this is hard to admit. I've always thought of Sid as a lovable goober, but absolutely for SURE a goober. But somehow in this series... he became kinda hot to me. I KNOW. But... right?

Bonino

Back to Nick, whose beard is so robust that when he tilts his head back IT'S BASICALLY A FACE TABLE.

Bryan Rust

I didn't have a shot of Bryan in our sub at press time, so here he is in the game, working hard and I believe making his own wind like Tyra tells supermodels to do on the runway. That beard MIGHT be moving.

Justin Schultz

Justin here SHOULD be happy: He was traded to the Penguins in February 2016 by the Oilers, just in time to win the Stanley Cup a couple months later. Then he won another last night. It must be SO SATISYFYING to win the trade lottery like that.

I also love when they don't have their dentures in, and also suspect that other front tooth is not long for this life. Then again, it hung in there this entire year, too, when Justin was ALSO high on the beard list.

Ron Hainsey

The Pens have a couple doppelgangers on their team, and I feel like Hainsey and Schultz are potentially among them.

Carter Rowney

You know, that's approaching Bonino levels of length. Maybe I should've had him higher. I hope I can sleep tonight, knowing my beard rankings might be compromised.

Patric Hornqvist

Patric scored the game-winner off the goalie's back -- a lucky strike, but also a heads-up one, because he had the eye-hand coordination to flip the puck in exactly the right way. It's like hockey meets badminton. His robust ginger facial hair -- though perhaps not as fulsome as last year -- never fails to delight me. (That's Carl Hagelin with him, who scored the empty netter that iced it, and we'll get back to him but: He's CUTE.)

Phil Kessel

"No, no, Hornqvist is 72. I'm Kessel. K-E-S-S-E-L. We're two different people. I promise."

Sid must enjoy showing off that tall hipster hair next to Bonino's baldness and Kessel's recession. 

Kris Letang

I love Kris Letang. He had neck surgery in April and misse the playoffs, but he's been a Penguin for his entire NHL career and it was awesome seeing him suited up even though he couldn't take the ice. Also, there is something spectacularly '70s about the way his head-suit rolls right into his silky beard. Way to participate in the playoff growth, Kris.

Scott Wilson

He's also a career Penguin, and his beard fits in VERY nicely with Hornqvist and Kessel. It's good to coordinate.

Matt Cullen

Matty here has a foundation for kids' healthcare, with a focus on cancer. I just thought I'd share. He also has a boatload of kids himself, so he's clearly on board with the entire species.

Chris Kunitz

Kunitz won the Senators series with a brilliant slapshot through the goalie's elbow crook. He's the first player since 2005 to win four Stanley Cups (three here, and one with Anaheim), and this pic of him twirling his daughter is demolishing my ovaries.

Brian Dumoulin

"Look, I just think it's important to let my cheeks breathe, okay?"

Dumoulin and Cole

That is one beardy, happy hug. It almost looks like they're in middle school, slow dancing to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn."

Conor Sheary

Conor played very well, which is doubly useful because he's engaged to his coach's niece.

Trevor Daley

I just GENUINELY love jubilant men in beards.

Matt Murray

Our goalie turned 23 during this series. He has the beard of a much older man.

Chad Ruhwedel

"Someday I hope to grow up and be mistaken for Patric Hornqvist. I'm trying my best."

Sid the Kid

"Let go, Bettman. I know the drill." And beardwise, he is really always TRYING and I think he's made strides even since last year (where you can also see his near-absent early fuzz). He's always on the go, that one. But I think unless he gets medical intervention this is as bushy as he's gonna get. 

It's nice to know one never gets jaded about winning the Cup.

Crosby

DON'T FALL OVER THOUGH. (Kevin told me that Malkin almost DID drop it when he took it. I wish I'd seen that.)

Evgeni Malkin

"No but seriously, Matt, when you shave, you should really try doing it in pieces. Leave the sideburns as long as possible for a while. People at grocery stores will find it SO confusing."

Marc-Andre Fleury

Oh, Flower. I suspect he's not long for the Pens; it's likely the expansion draft will send him to Las Vegas, unless he waives his no-trade clause and Pittsburgh can deal him someplace he really wants to go. He never does grow much more than a goatee, but he also wasn't starting right now: He got us here in the Caps series because Murray was hurt, but when Murray was healthy and Flower got the yips, our starter went back in. He started with the Pens and won Crosby and Malkin their first Cup, and I'm so glad he went out on this high note. If indeed he does leave. Remember, I said goodbye to him in 2016 too and yet here he is.

Hagelin and Dumoulin

Back to Hagelin, whom we saw earlier. Not much growing there, eh, pal? I feel like he did better last year. But he makes up for it with GLEE. 

Jake Guentzel

He's a rookie, and is only the second one in history to score both a hat trick and an overtime goal in the same playoff game. He also tied the record for most points by a rookie in the playoffs. He seems totally bemused by all this: "Am I doing this right? Is this how high I hold it? Can you even see the chin fuzz? I teased it this morning!"

Guentzel and James Neal (a former Penguin)

"Don't worry, kid. The beard came slow for Sid, too."

Olli Maatta

And then THIS BABY FACE. I am not sure I can say anything better than what I wrote last season, the particulars of which include that his favorite book is the English dictionary.

Mario Lemieux

Kevin wasn't into Mario's jacket. I'm FINE with it. LET THE MAN HAVE HIS FLAIR, KEVIN.

WOOOOOO. Thanks for a great season, dudes. Can we go for three?

Best. Drink. Ever.

Well Played, Jubilant Men In Beards: The Pittsburgh Penguins Win The Stanley Cup (Again)

It's been about a decade since a repeat.