Aljona Savchenko and Bruno Massot of Germany, Free Skate

You might think this is a portrait of devastation, but it is NOT. When they finished their AMAZING long program, they both basically flung themselves on ice and rolled around.

Aljona Savchenko and Bruno Massot of Germany, Free Skate

This is, I think, the moment when she realized that they pulled it off and skated as well as humanly possible. I cannot stress how good I think this program is -- and her costume is beautiful.

Aljona Savchenko and Bruno Massot of Germany, Free Skate

This is literally their final, posed, moment of the skate. IT'S SO HARD; it's a lift, and then he basically has to stop and do a SQUAT holding her like this. Then they had to sit and watch three or four other pairs and just TRY NOT TO BARF. He, in particular, looked like he wanted to die THE WHOLE TIME. He just BARELY passed the citizenship test! WE NEEDED THIS FOR ALJONA.

Aljona Savchenko and Bruno Massot of Germany, Short Program

I LOVE their short program, too. It's so ZIPPY -- and they were almost perfect, save for his doubling their side-by-side triples. SHE was flawless this entire time, and they really earned this. Pairs was exciting this year!

Sui Wenjing and Han Cong of China, Short Program

So, this Chinese pair is also great -- as we learned several times from Johnny Weir, she was literally in a wheelchair last year. (My mom texted me at some point during the short program to tell me that Johnny was "resplendent" and I had to agree.) Anyway, this short progam is to "Hallelujah," which I am OVER unless it's a routine about the season one finale of The OC. They do, however, skate to a k.d. lang cover and I spent the whole skate thinking, "wow, k.d. lang has a gorgeous voice; I forgot." I also think her skirt is a teeeeeny bit too short. (They also have been dogged by age controversy, which is, of course, a tradition for Chinese athletes.) All these notes aside: They're VERY good. He is unusually emotive for a dude. (A pairs skating dude, not, like, a dude in general.)

Sui Wenjing and Han Cong of China, Free Skate

I love these costumes, though, and their long program is pretty great. They lost the gold by barely ANY points at all.  They're undeniably quite talented.

Sui Wenjing and Han Cong of China, Free Skate

I LOVE the back of his costume. 

Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford of Canada, Short Program

The Canadians came in third (but of course have their gold in the team competition), and I have many thoughts about these two. This skate is to "With Or Without You," and their long skate is to Adele's "Hometown Glory," and both of those songs are SO FULL OF FEELINGS but she is a very smiley skater, and sometimes it didn't totally jibe for me. Johnny said that sometimes she comes across as not being emotionally connected, even though she's technically so good, and I think there is some truth to that and it might have to do with her facial expressions. (She seems really, really, REALLY NICE off ice. This may not be true, but she was SO EXCITED when everyone else won.) I also think she looks a lot like Patti Lupone with this haircut, which is neither here nor there, but I just had to tell people once I figured out who it was she reminded me of. ANYWAY this costume is nice, and they are good.

Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford of Canada, Free Skate

This is also very nice, but the front is a bit more boring than the back...

Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford of Canada, Free Skate

Which is really neat. Good job, Canada! I am very happy for you! (And just wait until ice dancing, when I plan to slobber all over Virtue and Moir WHO I LOVE SO MUCH.)

Evgenia Tarasova and Vladimir Morozov, Olympic Athletes of Russia (OAR), Short Program

WE HAVE MUCH TO DISCUSS WITH THESE TWO. Okay. So this short program, to Rachmaninoff, is classic and good, and they were EXCELLENT. (They are also one of the pairs were I literally don't ever even look at him at all. He is, as Tara and Johnny would put it, the stem while she is the flower. He could rob me at knife point and I'd be like, "I dunno. It was a ginger with a Russian accent!")

Evgenia Tarasova and Vladimir Morozov, Olympic Athletes of Russia (OAR), Free Skate

And then their long program was A MESS. This photo kind of tells the tale. They were ALL OVER THE PLACE and she had a brutal wedgie the whole time, and these outfits are terrible and it's skated to CANDYMAN BY XTINA?!?! WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING? The whole thing felt like an exhibition program that got too big for its britches. Don't skate to CANDYMAN at the OLYMPICS. Your short program is to Rachmaninoff! To quote Hillary Rodham Clinton: WHAT HAPPENED.

Evgenia Tarasova and Vladimir Morozov, Olympic Athletes of Russia (OAR), Free Skate

Girl. This had to have been deeply annoying. How can you skate when your whole soul longs to remove your costume from your butt? Fun Fact: I believe they are dating. 

Vanessa James and Morgan Cipres of France, Short Program

I really loved her short program look. This was an unusual and successful use of illusion netting.

Vanessa James and Morgan Cipres of France, Free Skate

And she wore pants for the long program! (They skated this to a cover of "The Sound of Silence," but from what I understand, this is an old program, and their original program this season was to another Xtina song. Christina Aguilera is HOT for skaters at the moment. Listen, I will Venmo $5 to any singles skater who performs to "Dirrty" in competition.) Additionally: Neither of them have a "personal life" section on their Wiki pages, which is obviously enraging.

Valentina Marchei and Ondrej Hotarek of Italy, Short Program

I just felt the need to note that the Italian pair, who finished a very respectable 6th, are PERSONALITY PLUS.

Valentina Marchei and Ondrej Hotarek of Italy, Short Program

They are VERY fun to watch.

Valentina Marchei and Ondrej Hotarek of Italy, Free Skate

I did not see their long program -- I think it was on NBCSU while I was watching Normal NBC -- but it looks like it was a hoot. They have a lot of zip. Real crowd-pleasers. 

Natalia Zabiiako and Alexander Enbert, Olympic Athletes of Russia (OAR), Short Program

These two were, I thought, sort of aggressively fine and a bit flat, but I mostly wanted to ask why his pants are this color. She looks lovely and classic, and his trousers almost clash (they looked greener on TV). I don't know, kids. Think about this for next time, okay? (I also just read the Wiki page detailing the movie from which their music came and (a) I did not get any of that from the skate and (b) how have I never heard of this movie? Johnny called it a classic routine! WHERE HAVE I BEEN?)

Natalia Zabiiako and Alexander Enbert, Olympic Athletes of Russia (OAR), Free Skate

I do kinda love the conceit of their long program, though. They start out as ballet dancers in their rehearsal gear...

Natalia Zabiiako and Alexander Enbert, Olympic Athletes of Russia (OAR), Free Skate

And then at one point, they both unsnap their tops to change into ballet dancers on stage, performing Sleeping Beauty. It was clever.

Yu Xiaoyu and Zhang Hao of China, Short Program

The other Chinese team ALSO had had an age-related controversy! Not that it matters anymore. Anyway, this is clearly Swan Lake, and this is...what you wear for Swan Lake. I have to note that I really like his face. He seems so RELIABLE. (And he is reliable, as a skater, as well.)

Yu Xiaoyu and Zhang Hao of China, Free Skate

When they skated out for their long program, I said aloud to my empty living room, "she looks NERVOUS." And she was! She bungled a bunch of bits and pieces, which was a shame -- their long program is to music from Star Wars, and it's neat, but she just didn't have it. At least she looks pretty!

Let's Talk Olympic Figure-Skating: The Pairs

This was exciting!