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Britney Spears at the Billboard Music Awards

Y'all, admit it. You'd go see me in a big budget update of Hello Dolly if I wore this in my big entrance number. Also I feel like not enough people talk about the fact that Dolly Parton had someone write a musical about her.

rs at the Billboard Music Awards

Y'all, admit it: in 2007, you couldn't wait to get rid of me but now you're really relieved I'm still around to wear a beaded curtain attached to my WonderBra, because you love me, and you always loved me, and also now you know about Ariana Grande. PS PRINCESS KATE TELL HARRY I AM AT HOME FOR HIM IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. (I mean if he comes to my house, I will answer the door.)

rs at the Billboard Music Awards

Y'all, I don't know how to do a handstand.

rs at the Billboard Music Awards

Y'all, is it weird if I save this for Valentine's Day and re-wear it then? Princess Kate re-wears things all the time.

rs at the Billboard Music Awards

...y'all, I don't know. A butt cape seemed like a good idea when I was putting it on.

rs at the Billboard Music Awards

Y'all, can I admit to you that I am actually really, really scared of taking off these shoes? I do not know how they work. Be honest with me: Can I wear them to Costco or will people notice? Can I hide them under a maxidress? I am trying to envisualize a life where I have to wear these every day until I die. They might look cute with cut-offs??????? ???? ? ?? ???

rs at the Billboard Music Awards

Y'all, Madonna cut them off me backstage with an Exacto knife she keeps in her hair, and she kept telling me to stop screaming and I couldn't, but it worked and now I am free. And I just noticed that y'all can totally see my beige bikini undies here and don't get all worked up because I think we BOTH remember a time when I wouldn't have worn those, and shouldn't you just be GRATEFUL for what we have built together in the now? I THOUGHT SO.

rs at the Billboard Music Awards

Y'all, I still love you, and I don't ever want to go away again. Come see me in Vegas and I'll take you to the breakfast buffet IT'S AMAZING.

LOVE, BRITNEY!

Letter of Truth: The Billboard Music Awards
Hey y'all, I hardly ever get to write you a Letter of Truth anymore. It's been so long that there are probably people who are alive who don't know that I am a person who used to do things like have dance-offs and wear matching outfits with Justin Timberlake and stalk Justin Timberlake and kiss Justin Timberlake and write actual letters that I, the real Britney Spears, would post to my actual for-real website and they would be called LETTER[s] OF TRUTH and, obviously, they would have truths in them. Readers, I went through so much over the past baker's dozens of numbers of years that this particular website right here that you are reading right now has been alive or whatever it is that websites are. I had babies and shaved my head and had a husband for three days and then married this OTHER person that we all thought was terrible but he actually turned out to be okay even though he's missing now or something (I don't know where he is). I had weird men try to date me and then I dated men who might have been normal but who cares because I broke up with them. I did bad things to my knees that meant that when I danced I mostly just stood still and waved my arms around, and then I got a job in Vegas and gained a secret mentor in the form of one Miss Celine Dion. Readers, Celine Dion would come to me at night and float over the top of my bed and hit herself real real hard in the chest and sing about her inner organs, and this is a thing that I am pretty sure happened for real and not just because I ate too much Alberto's Beef Jerky before I went to bed. And because Celine is an inspirational human who sings much better than I do BUT CANNOT DANCE AT ALL -- don't tell her I said that -- I was inspired to come back to the world and do things like walk on red carpets while people yell at me and take my pictures, and also to accept awards. Because it turns out that people like me and also I'm still extremely awesome and my knee feels better and I haven't done anything like open a restaurant for children named after a dessert that grandmas make. I am Britney and you will love me forever and you will not care what I wear, but the truth is that I also decided to wear some really crazy shit this weekend because I don't actually leave the house that often so why not make it interesting, right? I love y'all. Come look at all my outfits! [Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]

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