Susie Elelman
Let's not hold back: This was the talk of the night. Susie here is, per Wikipedia, a guest on The Morning Show -- which is, I assume, a show that's on in the mornings -- and was once in a Miss Northern Beaches competition. Which must be the title she's most proud of, as she is certainly giving her northern beaches a return to the spotlight on this night. That thing seriously looks like a traumatized bird flew up and face-planted in her cleavage, and is trying to hold everything together with its wings.
Jesinta Campbell
She might also have been on The Morning Show, or still be on it, and is an ex-beauty queen as well. And she could not look more different than poor Susie. The creamy color and that neckline are VERY Middletonian, from her wedding day. She really might BE trying to fill the void.
Emma Lung
The rest of her dress took a quick bathroom break.
Madeleine West
Okay, Madeleine here was HIT BY A BUS in 2002 and then HER UNCONSCIOUS BODY WAS ROBBED AS SHE LAY THERE. Where is the movie about THAT. I wish I didn't have to tell her that her dress looks like some kind of undersea Price Is Right gala.
Rhonda Burchmore
Let's let Wikipedia handle this one: "Burchmore revealed that in her youth she cut off one of her toes on a toilet bowl she broke while dancing to the song "Cocaine", although it was later reattached." I'm going to leave it there. I can't follow toilet carnage.
Shelley Craft
In 2002, she co-hosted a dating game show... with a puppet. And this dress... that navy part is cool, but you can see where the skirt stops underneath, and then all the REST of it... basically it's the fashion equivalent of throwing up your stomach acid because that's all you have in there.
Natalie Bassingthwaighte
This is fine? Everything just seems like a LOT. Extra dress, a big purse, and my eyes keep wanting to make the star on the carpet part of her shoes.
Dannii Minogue
She looks great, but what's with the sparkly cinderblocks on her feet?
Carrie Bickmore
She apparently hosts "So You Think You Can Dance Australia," alongside Paula Abdul. Which may be a thankless job, so it's good that she actually looks rather nice.
Kylie Minogue
Oh, Kylie. Maybe a better bracelet, but I probably can't ever REALLY be mad at you.
Rebecca Judd
Rebecca, currently a weatherperson, just had a baby girl two months ago. And has apparently decided to dress like an inspiration board for the nursery.
Tina Arena
I guess she's something of a music legend in Australia? And has an autobiography out called "Now I Can Dance," or something. I enjoy that her dress is fanned out with the precision of a fashion exhibit in a museum, and that she appears to be affecting Mannequin Face to go with it.
Jessica Marais
Her Wikipedia claims she's about to play Australian transgendered actress/activist Carlotta in a TV movie. Which I am sad will never air here. The slit is not ideal, but its whatever the bodice is doing to her chest that I really don't care for... nothing is sitting as it should.
Asher Keddie
She basically OWNS the Logies, it sounds like. Sort of the Edie Falco or Julia Louis-Dreyfus of Australia, in the sense that basically those women are going to get nominated no matter what they ever do. Which, in Asher's case, looks like she's gearing up to star in a spy series called Ninja Fundraiser.
Laura Dundovic
I really, really don't like how this fits, or how the top is shaped, or... let's just give it all three strikes, shall we?
Mandy McElhinney
Per Wikipedia: "Recently, she starred as Rhonda in the AAMI Safe Driver rewards series of commercials. The ad and her character's love story within it, consequently became a major part of Australian popular culture." So basically, like if Flo from Progressive did those old Taster's Choice ads. The dress is maybe interesting and then maybe also like a prize you'd find pinned to your booth at the state fair.
Kassandra Clementi
She's on good old Home and Away, and she's 22, and that gown is several miles too musty and hideous for her. Which is a shame because the fabric ITSELF is not awful, but whatever has been done to it is a crime.
Lynne McGranger
So shiny. Like, Ye Olde Moonshine Saloon shiny.
Amanda Keller
She holds the world record for the longest underwater radio broadcast -- at three hours -- and also for Bravest Attempt At Wearing A Gown Inspired By A Rendering Of The Human Heart.
Cassie Howarth
Psst. Your breastplate got caught on the tablecloth.
Deborah Knight
Am I crazy, or does she actually look good? It's hard to tell sometimes in the midst of something like this.
Livinia Nixon
And that's ALSO quite delicate and nice. What a lovely way to finish. Except...
Susie Elelman
... I would NEVER let you off that easy. Which might be what her dress is saying to her boobs right now.