Brynne Edelsten
We begin with the hapless Brynne Edelsten, a fug favorite, looking like she got savaged by an emu during an Old West saloon fight. (You know how the mighty emu can be so CRANKY when somebody cheats at cards.)
Michelle Bridges
This lady is one of the trainers on Biggest Loser: Australia. And the only explanation I can come up with for her wearing thirty extra pounds in satin was that she's trying to walk a mile in her contestants' shoes. I'd have rather she walked two miles to a better mall.
Laura Dundovic
This former Miss Australia was just appointed the official ambassador for Hollywood Fashion Tape. Which is, in case you haven't heard of it, BOOB TAPE. She is the face of boob tape. Which you'd think means her face is beside the point. Somebody should also appoint her the official pelvis of groin tape before she has an accident on the red carpet.
Kerri-Anne Kennerley
I love Kerri-Anne. Remember when John Stamos went on an Aussie interview program and then later had to confess that he was totally hammered? That was HER interviewing him. She also apparently has a star on Australia's walk of fame... outside a charcoal chicken restaurant. YES. This actually isn't atrocious? Helen Mirren would probably wear it and we'd announce that we are in love with her, so I can't really ding Kerri-Anne, ESPECIALLY once I read that on one of her morning shows she convinced Russell Crowe to hurl himself into a wall. I CLEARLY need more of Kerri-Anne Kennerley in my life. Maybe if/when our book comes out in Australia, we can beg her to bring us on the show and make US hurl ourselves into walls.
Katy Perry
The star of this shot is not Katy, nor the naked lady on her dress whose back is tattooed like a violin. No, it is the stern-faced man behind her, whose face says, "I am so OVER your shenanigans and your aggressive sleeves and your overdone jewelry and the fact that you are wearing tights. YOU ARE NO FIREWORK, MILADY."
Katy Perry
Also, is she.... about to try and play herself, or something? I don't... I can't... is that woman's naked front on Katy's backside? That would explain a lot about Mr. Cranky's facial expression. And I do appreciate that nobody Photoshopped out the red-eye.
Lauren Phillips
Ahhhh. I needed a palate-cleanser. Orange sherbet it is. I don't know who Lauren Phillips is, but I think she looks very pretty, and it's just what I needed after seeing Katy Perry rub her viola. I'm ready for anything now.
Jessie J
SPOKE TOO SOON. SPOKE TOO SOON. This is from a little-known straight-to-DVD movie called Planet of the Chapes, where a race of hybrid Cher-apes has taken over the world.
Jessica Marais
In addition to her role on a TV series, Jessica was in a movie called Two Fists, One Heart, which is such a great Lifetime title that I am almost sad that's not what it is. She's soon to star in the sequel, Two Breasts, One Charmin.
Charlotte Dawson
I think this photo speaks for itself.
Catriona Rowntree
I was all set to make fun of this, but then I read that Catriona here had a baby, like, six weeks ago. And so instead I think this dress is symbolic of her raging, swirling hormones, and we should all back away and let her work through it in peace.
Esther Anderson
Esther here is on the Aussie soap Home and Away, but my very favorite credit on her entire resume is that she used to model for a knitting company. None of which explains why she's dressed as a giant charity ribbon, but hey, I think we can all appreciate the Heidi Klum-levels of drama she's trying to achieve here.
Esther Anderson
And look! It has its own mail slot!