Jennifer Lopez

This is basically a tinsel codpiece.

Jennifer Lopez

"Dear Bork or whatever: THIS IS HOW YOU SWAN."

Jennifer Lopez

"LOVERS I AM LEAVING UNTIL YOU STOP WAVING AROUND DOWNTON ABBEY SPOILERS ON POSTERS."

Jennifer Lopez

This dress appears to have been very thoughtfully ventilated.

Jennifer Lopez

She looks totally cute here. I suspect if she stood up I would bewail the servings of pizza, but in general this is really nice. I love that she's smiling and not posing -- in the sense of being a poseur. She's just natural. Has anyone seen "Shades of Blue"? We need to hear how that's going, I think.

Lopezly Played: Jennifer Lopez in Las Vegas

"HOLA LOVERS. Listen. If you are surprised by this, then you have not been paying attention, which is ALSO the MEANEST thing you could possibly do to someone you love as much as me. Also, the tour is called ALL I HAVE. What did you think you were going to see, lovers? Small Samples Of What I Have? No. The Lopez is all-you-can-eat." [Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]