52062385 Celebrities at the de Grisogono Party during the 69th Annual Cannes Film Festival at the Hotel Eden Roc in Cannes, France on May 17, 2016. Celebrities at the de Grisogono Party during the 69th Annual Cannes Film Festival at the Hotel Eden Roc in Cannes, France on May 17, 2016. Pictured: Bella Hadid FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876 RESTRICTIONS APPLY: USA/AUSTRALIA ONLY
Okay, so here we go. I had arranged all my slides and was in the middle of writing this, and I got to Bella here in this outfit, and then I flipped over to Beyonce...
Beyonce
NEW YORK, NY - JUNE 06: Beyonce accepts The CDFA Fashion Icon Award onstage at the 2016 CFDA Fashion Awards at the Hammerstein Ballroom on June 6, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images)
... and BOOM. That IS the same suit, right? If not, it's identical ENOUGH for our purposes. Neither one of them really nailed the overall look; the suit itself is actually nifty, and they stepped all over it. But at least Beyonce went for high camp, whereas Bella went with... low bar. Fifty points to Beyvenclaw on this one. Sorry, Hadufflepuff.
Bella Hadid
52136013 Model Bella Hadid and her father Mohamed Hadid are spotted out for lunch in Beverly Hills, California on July 29, 2016. Bella could be seen sweating through her tight pants near her crotch. FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876
And now we begin again, as so many stories do, with crotch sweat. Need I remind you Bella wore this to a grocery store, in full view of paps there's a 70-30 chance she called herself? Oh, wait, I just did.
Bey
52133223 Singer Beyonce and her husband Jay-Z enjoy lunch at Loulou restaurant in the Tuileries's garden with their daughter Blue Ivy in Paris, France on July 26, 2016. Beyonce was rocking a tight polka dot covered dress which showed off her curvy physique during the outing. FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876 RESTRICTIONS APPLY: USA ONLY
No real danger of crotch sweat here, but that's because it's so, er, well ventilated. That is a reasonably fine dot dress that looks so damn SLOPPY when you get into the slitted part.
Bella
52227979 Bella Hadid was spotted out and about with her brother and Hailey Baldwin. The group went out to lunch at M Cafe in Beverly Hills, California on November 10, 2016. FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876
Speaking of sloppy slits. That dress is at least one size too small, and we theorized at the time that she was holding the slit so that it would stay open, but so that it would stay PG-13.
Beyonce
52116337 Celebrities spotted at Wimbledon Tennis Club in London, England, UK on July 9, 2016. Celebrities spotted at Wimbledon Tennis Club in London, England, UK on July 9, 2016.
Pictured: Beyonce Knowles, Jay-Z FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876 RESTRICTIONS APPLY: USA/CHINA ONLY
The gust of wind didn't help, but I'm not sure this was ever going to be a cute day dress.
Bella
52245137 Celebrities are spotted outside of the Mandarin hotel in Paris, France on November 30, 2016. Celebrities are spotted outside of the Mandarin hotel in Paris, France on November 30, 2016.
Pictured: Bella Hadid FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876 RESTRICTIONS APPLY: USA ONLY
Interesting color combination. TERRIBLE "dress" underneath the coat.
Beyonce
52195694 Beyonce Knowles out and about in New York, New York on October 5, 2016. She rocked a bright pink shirt with a butterfly on it with a matching skirt and jacket. FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876
Some people liked this better than I do. My objections: the red shoes with the three COMPETING shades of pink, and ALL THE STUFF. It's just so much going on. I think sometimes Beyonce's costumey OTT stuff on the red carpet is a masking of her general not-great instincts.
Speaking of not great instincts. I really do worry that she burned off the hem with a Zippo.
Bey
And now for something completely different: shoulders more seemingly hirsute than the pelvis. Okay, obviously, it's all feathers and bodystockings and such, but still. What an unfortunate molting.
Bey
I don't know if we've regurgitated the side view of this dress very much, so here it is. I don't like that we can see the shoulder pads with such definition.
Bella
52063729 Celebrities attend the 'The Unknown Girl' Premiere at the annual 69th Cannes Film Festival at Palais des Festivals on May 18, 2016 in Cannes, France. Celebrities attend the 'The Unknown Girl' Premiere at the annual 69th Cannes Film Festival at Palais des Festivals on May 18, 2016 in Cannes, France.
Pictured: Bella Hadid FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876 RESTRICTIONS APPLY: USA/AUSTRALIA ONLY
I wonder which dress has less actual fabric: This one or Beyonce's. It might be this one, because of how Beyonce is wearing that bodystocking.
Bella
Indeed, this dress PLUS the last one... does THAT even equal Bey's green thing, materially speaking?
Bey
She is on-stage, accepting an award, but did not perform in this. I believe she changed into this AFTER performing, with the express purpose of sitting in the crowd (on TV) and then presumably winning a trophy (also on TV). (I'm just clarifying why this is eligible, beyond its fugliness.)(It's an actual wedding dress. For real. It was from a bridal line.)
Bella
52214190 Model Bella Hadid stunned in a see-through beige dress while out with a friend in New York City, New York on October 25, 2016. FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876
Bella was an early adopter of this terrible, terrible, woefully terrible Dior line.
Bey
52042489 Celebrities at the MET Costume Institute Gala 2016 at The Metropolitan Museum Of Art in New York City, New York on May 2, 2016. Celebrities at the MET Costume Institute Gala 2016 at The Metropolitan Museum Of Art in New York City, New York on May 2, 2016. Pictured: Beyonce Knowles FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876 RESTRICTIONS APPLY: USA ONLY
We all know what the front of this looks like; we've used that pic a few times. Here's the back, where you can see more closely all the sweat puddles. If you're gong to wear plastic, maybe don't make it see-through, for that EXACT reason. Takes the efficacy away.
Bella
52042938 Celebrities at the MET Costume Institute Gala 2016 at The Metropolitan Museum Of Art in New York City, New York on May 2, 2016. Celebrities at the MET Costume Institute Gala 2016 at The Metropolitan Museum Of Art in New York City, New York on May 2, 2016. Pictured: The Weeknd, Bella Hadid FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876 RESTRICTIONS APPLY: USA ONLY
This is what Bella wore to the Met. Not her worst, but don't be lulled into complacency. It's gonna get bad again in a second.
Bey
Switching to pants for a sec: This is what Beyonce wore to the VMAs BEFORE she changed for her performance, so it ALSO counts. And it is pelvically non-ideal.
Bella
52260436 Model Bella Hadid out and about in New York City, New York on December 16, 2016. She showed off her thin body by wearing a crop top and sleeveless shirt. FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876
What if she snags her laces on something? Does the entire garment fall apart?
Bella
52153965 Model sisters Bella & Gigi Hadid enjoy a night out at The Nice Guy in West Hollywood, California on August 23, 2016. Gigi recently returned from a romantic getaway in Tahiti with her boyfriend Zayn Malik. FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876
She LOVES lace-up pants. She is a fanatic.
Bella
52202249 Celebrities attend The Uniting for a Lyme-Free World Gala at Cipriani restaurant in New York, NY on October 13, 2016. Celebrities attend The Uniting for a Lyme-Free World Gala at Cipriani restaurant in New York, NY on October 13, 2016. Pictured: Bella Hadid FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876 RESTRICTIONS APPLY: USA ONLY
These are not only hideous, but if you peer closely, they have lace inner-thigh inserts. (Please do not grow angry with me for showing more Bella pictures. The fact is there are just more of them than there are of Beyonce; I'm not even showing them all.)
Bey
NEW YORK, NY - OCTOBER 15: Beyonce attends TIDAL X: 1015 at Barclays Center on October 15, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by Laura Cavanaugh/Getty Images)
And a big see-through finish for Bey. It's dramatic, it's unflattering, it creates shading in strange places, and the braid is a lethal weapon if she turns her head quickly.
Bella
Bella's closing statement is basically a grown-up human version of The Pout-Pout Fish (in case you have never read this to a small child -- or a large one; I don't know your life -- the fish swims around moaning, "I'm a pout-pout fish with a pout-pout face and I spread the dreary-wearies all over the place).
