Kim Kardashian

This is a horrible gown to put on a pregnant lady -- making her cover up like she's got something to be ashamed of, for one thing, is only going to make her feel bigger and weirder. So that's not helpful. And WHAT is up with Givenchy trying to match everything? First it was Beyoncé with the boots, gloves, and dress of What Is That Strange Itching Sensation, and now it's Kim Kardashian rushing in like a head-to-toe Massengill ad. Can't everyone's vaginal needs just be confined the drugstore for a while?

Kim Kardashian

I mean, she looks RIDICULOUS when she puts her hand on Kanye and it's a matching gloved sleeve thing, like she's one of those performers who camouflages herself against painted walls and bushes or whatever. Oh, God, she's the Met Ball version of Vincent Cassel in Ocean's Thirteen, trying to match herself to Anna Wintour's bathroom wallpaper so she can steal secrets and blackmail her way into a Vogue cover.

Kanye and Kim

At least Kanye, if indeed he was mad at her, managed to muster a smile for her on the red carpet. People complain that they're all over the place (well, except for the last month, when they were hardly ever seen together, which rang all sorts of OTHER alarm bells but which I think had more to do with the fact that she was headed to divorce court and the baby bump alone was enough of a distraction), but I think it's sort of sweet. Celebrities SHOULD get to act like anyone else who's dating/engaged/married acts. I mean, Blake Lively is the new Jennifer Garner up in here, married and AT HER HUSBAND'S PREMIERES and still not photographed within fifty yards of him. Props to these two for having a cuddle.

KIMYE

"HEY THERE LADY, LET ME GIVE YOU A HUG. YEAH, I'M MAD YOU WORE THE SLEEVES I NEVER DUG AND IT LOOKS LIKE A SPRINGTIME HALLUCINATORY DRUG, BUT YOU'VE GOT MY BUG WRAPPED UP IN THAT RUG FROM WHEN YOUR UTERUS I DID PLUG, AND THAT MUST BE UNCOMFORTABLE TO LUG, SO LET'S STAY SNUG AND LET ME REPLENISH YOUR EGO JUG. TO THE HATERS WHO ACT SMUG JUST SAY, 'HEY THERE, FOOLS, YOURSELVES GO FUG.' BECAUSE WE'RE TALKING LIKE SLANGY SHAKESPEARE NOW."

Met Ball Fug Carpet: Kim Kardashian

Apparently Kim had a tough time finding a dress to wear because of how she's pregnant, which... y'all, her uterine occupancy level is not a secret at this point. If the people creating gowns for her aren't making proper allowances for the fact that pregnant ladies' wombs have the audacity to keep growing throughout the entire gestation period, then they are jerks. But also, she switched into this one at the last minute and then her stylist made them add sleeves because of her arms, or something...? And so on the one side, Kim reportedly has Kanye all mad that she was messing with his friend Ricardo Tichi's piece of art, and on the other, she has a new stylist who supposedly fat-shamed her pregnant ARMS to the point where they wallpapered them. I want to hug her. Yes, you read that right. Somehow, even temporarily, I am on Team Kim Kardashian and I want to take her out for lunch and be like, "All those jerkwads can suck it, MOST ESPECIALLY for not stopping you from wearing that hideous floral carpet in the first place. JUST STAY HOME and crack wise at the live feed like the rest of us. Way more fun." [Photos: Getty]