Beyonce in Givenchy at the Met Gala
The more I look at this, the more I hate it. Here's the thing: It's not even beautiful work, to me; at least Rihanna's insane Adam Selman sheath had a shimmery loveliness to it in spite of it also being way inappropriate. This just kind of looks like sea mold, or something.
But, and I've made this rant in various ways before, I also just find this lazy and embarrassing. Yes, your body is FABULOUS, but you know what? We totally knew that, and it doesn't have to be unclothed to get that point across. This is one major reason I simply cannot get with the Beyonce Is The Queen Of All The World So Bow Down You Lowly Fools ethos: She's done this already, or a version thereof -- including last year and three years ago at the Met Gala, both by Givenchy -- and about 90 percent of the celebrity world has ALSO already done it in some form or another. So she's not only naked but unoriginal. Beyonce is not any kind of leader here, and she's not making a statement we haven't heard screeched at top volume by lesser voices -- but also her own -- for YEARS. She has THE platform on which to innovate, and she simply does not. She will not. And maybe, just maybe, that's because she cannot.
Kim Kardashian in Roberto Cavalli
Cavalli is a well-known favorite of Sharon Stone's, and that somehow seems SO RIGHT to me, vis a vis Kim. The dress itself is startlingly evocative of the Givenchy of Beyonce's I just linked to, which Ciara also wore in white, that it almost feels like a double "eff you" to Riccardo Tisci somehow. Also... sigh. This is for SURE par for the course from Kim, but yes, we can see just about every contour and shadow.
Jennifer Lopez
"HOLA LOVERS. So, I did not read the invitation. Assistant 4 did not tell Assistant 2 to tell Assistant 1 to share what the theme is. (Assistant 3 is in time out HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID.) I did not know it was 'China: Through The Looking Glass.' I thought it was 'Ladypain: An Ode To The Tummy Dragons That Writhe and Burn Like Fire.' And then Donatella told me to walk like the true theme is 'China: Through The Lopez Glass,' and I said YES because by then it was too late and I was too confused by her fancy Greenpeace net and excuse me lovers but I need an emergency eyewash station LET ME PASS."
Beyonce
And, a back view. WHAT are those hooves, Bey?
Kim Kardashian
"WHATEVER I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU ALREADY STOLE MY GLASS/ASS JOKE AND MY SECOND CHOICE WAS 'KHINA: PHEW, GOOD-LOOKIN' ASS!' BUT THAT IS NOT DOPE ENOUGH. SHOOT, BUT I SAID IT ANYWAY. LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO. I AM GOING TO PRETEND YOU ARE NOT HERE AND COUNT MY TASSLES AND MENTALLY WRASSLE WITH YOU ANTI-RUMP-WINDOW ASSHLLS."
Jennifer Lopez
Speaking of rump windows. Gah. There is no room for error. Is there a flesh tape that stands up to this job? Also, WHY GOD.
Kim Kardashian
But seriously.
Jennifer Lopez
No, but SERIOUSLY.
Beyonce
NO BUTT. SERIOUSLY.