Jamaica
Here we have a mythical mermaid, and fr this post's first rhyming couplet, we got, "No one can throw shade at THIS stunning mermaid." True that. She looks fantastic. I'll accept it, Rhymerz (I've decided these are churned out by a group of college students who named themselves thus).
Japan
So, Japan came out looking kind of like a Harajuku dominatrix...
... and then spun around...
... and unfurled THIS. I love it. A-plus theatrics, my dear.
Rhyme: From the Land of the Rising Sun, she's got two costumes in one!" I can't find fault with that either, honestly. Suddenly I miss the really bad cheesy ones.
Kasakhstan
"Beaming with pride while dressed as a bride," is both the rhyme and the theme here. They really SHOULD lead with some of those so that they're less repetitive.
The close-up here is full of lovely details.
Korea
Traditional Korean queens wore this red silk garb, and oh my God, get ready: "If you're seein' what I'm seein', you'll love this Korean!" I don't know if that gets an F or an A+, or both.
Korea
This is another one I wished I'd gotten a better single shot of, so here's a close-up. Her lipstick rules.
Laos
"I brought s'mores, guys."
Laos also left this prop on the ground, like an offering, before getting up and walking away.
Laos/Lebanon
"Heyyyyy! Are you... really leaving that there for me to pick up?"
Lebanon
"And it's GONE! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for our production assistants!"
Rhymes, by the way, were "I bet the house on this costume from Laos" and "It's not bizarre to be dressed like a star," the latter because Lebanon wore a movie costume of an unnamed famous Lebanese actress. It's stunning.
Malaysia
She is paying tribute to food -- specifically, something called Fat Rice. How do I know? Well, they said, but also...
... her dress has a fried egg on it, and she BRANDISHED CRYSTAL UTENSILS AND PRETENDED TO EAT IT. My rhyme would have been, "Even if you're able, don't eat eggs from your navel."
Theirs was, "It must be nice to be dressed up like rice," except she's REALLY more dressed as the banana leaf (candlewax-dipped silk, apparently, which is neat).
Malta
This one is just feathery and fun, I think.
Malta
"This headpiece is authentic Maltese," they said, and I'm proud of them for not roping in a falcon somehow.
Mauritius
Does this glow in the dark, or is it just the lighting?
Mexico
She dressed to honor Frida Kahlo, including pretending to paint for a second in the air.
"However, I choose NOT to honor the unibrow."
Myanmar
Myanmar wheeled herself out inside a little booth, like an extremely ornate Lucy Van Pelt prepared to accept cash for therapy.
But then she opened it out and started DRUMMING on it. (It's a traditional gong-and-drum setup.) Only for a moment, though, and only on the middle part, which made the left and right feel awfully superfluous for how much trouble she went to with them.
Seriously, the stage business of opening them and then closing them was time-consuming. A lot of bumbling for a too-short payoff.
Rhyme: "You'll know when she's coming 'cause you'll hear the loud drumming!" Yes but can we hear MORE of it? Also, the hosts pronounced it as "Miramar" the entire time. Guys. She's not from Top Gun.
Namibia
"And I guess Namibia is dressed as a molar," I thought.
NOPE. That's both a lovely gesture, and minimal effort. I wish she'd come out PROPERLY dressed as a rhino. And of course, we got, "It isn't proposterous to save a rhinoceros when you're Namibia!" I guess they had to go there.
Nepal
I love the close-ups because you realize just how much poise and skill it really does take to wear one of these without it -- or you -- tipping over. I weighed 7 pounds.
Points for serious thigh strength.
"Wear this if you wanna take a trip to Nirvana," the hosts said. I assume they're hammered by this point.
Netherlands
She's meant to be a lioness of some kind, but honestly, this feels like something Tyra Banks would wear to buy groceries
I had to show you the custom finger art.
New Zealand
In which I complain AGAIN about the lighting. You can't really get the "goddess of fire" aspect. The darkness supposedly represents misconceptions about indigenous people, but it's all hard to take in thanks to this awful setting, and that's a shame. Also, the nost called her "Netherlands" briefly. Maybe they ARE drunk.
NIcaragua
This is based on a volcano, and the rhyme is, "Look out below! This volcano might blow." CLASSY. I hope she singes your vena cava with her boiling hot lava.
Nicaragua
Points to anyone whose face can still stand out amid all that detail. I hope all these countries have museums that keep these pieces. Hey, Anna: I have a Met Gala theme for you.
Norway
No one can resist a viking. Indeed, it's our second. Although I guess she claimed it was just repping winter? I don't know, Norway. I think you're in viking denial.
Panama
She apparently packed two different ones, so she's a girl after my own heart. One was inspired by pearls, and the other, the eagle. "Who really knows, but I'm guessing she chose... the eagle!" said the host. Well, YOU COULD ASK. But that rhyme gave me the giggles, despite also being dismissive.
Paraguay
"It'd be wrong to think the wind wasn't strong... like Paraguay." What? Between me and you, are the hosts sniffing glue?
Peru
She's clad as a Warrior Sun. "It sure is fun to be a warrior sun!" they chirped. I feel like we've heard that construct before already. ANOTHER repeat. How about, "You'd better accept her or she'll pierce you with her scepter, or "She is a warrior, and not Daphne Du Maurier." DONE.
Peru
Man, she owned that, though.
Philipipines
"If your luck needs a booster, check out THIS golden rooster," they said. I can't add to that.
Poland
"Are Bulgaria and Croatia still partying? Save me a barstool." It's based on the eagle and crown on their national coat of arms, so the rhyme: "A bird in a crown is how SHE gets down!" Can we step off the bestiality allusions? Do I really have to ask?
Portugal
"It doesn't get much hotter than THIS body of water!" they said of this, which is inspired by, yes, H20. I know they didn't, but it REALLY feels like they're writing this on the fly, and half the people doing it are horny.
Puerto Rico
She's dressed as a plant that's not originally native to Puerto Rico, but is culturally significant to it -- if the hosts can be believed. Then again, those are the same hosts who offered as their poem, "As you can see, she is dressed as a tree!!!!" Puerto Rico is in crisis, y'all, and that's the best you can do? Although, I don't trust them with social commentary. They'd probably offer, "Our island needs saving / and I'm stuck here waving."
Romania
Apparently Romania couldn't resist going as Dracula, but wanted her version to be well-mannered and kind, or something? Girl, you can't water down Dracula. IT'S DRACULA.
And this is creepy as hell. "It's a lot less scary when Dracula's merry," they said, and: WHERE? Where is happy Dracula here? Also Merry Dracula is something I categorically reject as a thing.
Russia
She's honoring a style of Russian ceramics -- and yes, our hosts rhymed "pottery" with "winning the lottery."
St. Lucia
She's commemmorating a native whiptail lizard, which I think probably SOUNDED like a killer idea...
... but turned out a bit too muddled. She's trying to bring awareness to its near-extinction due to climate change, WHICH IS A REAL THING, and they gave her this rhyme: "It's easy to smile when you save a reptile!" Maybe they should use that as their slogan.
Singapore
I appreciate the mix of blossoms with LED lights. But no one can say it better than our esteemed megatwits: "I beg your pardon; is she dressed as a garden?" YES SHE IS AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH PAR FOR THE COURSE TONIGHT, Y'ALL.
Slovak Republic
Apparently this counts because a Slovakian designer made it with signature ornaments and in said designer's favorite blue color. It's pretty! But it stumped the tools. "It's certanily true, this contestant loves blue! And... maybe a little black!"
Slovenia
She's dressed as a fairy from Slovenian lore, in a two-layer dress with a cape made of netting. And Brie Larson is going to play her in the movie. Rhyme: "Being surrounded by nets is as good as it gets for Slovenia." That's kind of insulting. Maybe she will have a better day tomorrow, lady. You don't know.
South Africa
"You might try, but you can't look as good as THIS plant!" Oy. She's dressed as the South African native flower, and we should all be grateful they rhymed with "plant" instead of "flower" again. She ultimately won the whole shebang, by the way.
Spain
Salvador Dali's work sparked this costume, in case you couldn't glean it from the giant eyeball (although, where are the melting clocks?). "This costume couldn't be quainter, because it's inspired by a painter," went the rhyme. Listen, I respect that attempt. But it also makes no sense. It COULD be quainter. It could be inspired by ANY OTHER PAINTER and be more quaint, in fact. How about: "I really do feel // that this costume's surreal," or, "The life's work of Sal / looks top-notch on THIS gal." (I'm trying to match their level of hackery. It's not hard.)
Sri Lanka
"Not many girls could pull off seashells AND pearls... like Sri Lanka." Everyone is getting tired. Including, I assume, the women stuck backstage near the end of the alphabet.
Sweden
This honors a horse that's a particular national souvenir, and as part of this I guess a whole slew of schoolkids were invited to paint horses that were distributed to children in Nepal and "Mangolia," which... girl, no. Unless Mangolia is like the Wonder Woman island, but with dudes. Regardless, there is this: "She could teach courses about how to paint horses." She COULD, except technically child labor was employed instead, so.
Tanzania
The lighting particularly hurt my ability to marvel at this, which is partly made of wood. And get ready, because our hosts deployed this: "It's easy to see why she feels like a tree!" YOU ALREADY USED "SEE." THERE ARE OTHER WORDS THAT RHYME WITH TREE. Thee, me, key, free, sundry, wee, Loki... Or, "Your skills are quite good / if you can wear wood." COME ON
Thailand
She's dressed as characters from the origin story of thunder and lightning, which led to this: "Perhaps it's this Thai if you hear a roar in the sky." I think they're using an Internet couplet generator.
Trinidad and Tobago
Here, they just gave up and said, "Bird is the word... for Trinidad and Tobago." That is the worst poem of all time, and for such a gorgeous costume. "The palette is Day-Glo for Trinidad and Tobago" is not great but at least IT IS AN ATTEMPT THAT IS BETTER THAN THEIRS.
Turkey
The host said this was inspired by "the woman of the Anatolia region." Oh, really? Which woman? Is there only one, Host?
Ukraine
Her costume looks like she soiled herself in the front...
ukraine5-1511765760
And then in the back is a STUNNING tribute to a particular church, St. Sofia. I would've worn it backwards. ... Wait, no, that would have been just as problematic. Rhyme: "Looking for a church? On her back you can search!" I wish he'd timed that to her opening up her cloak. These people have no sense of theatre.
Uruguay
This was inspired by a national bird (the Taro Taro) that is, per the hosts, "a silly-looking thing" -- I assume that copy was given to them by the contestant? I HOPE? -- with gangly legs. So of course: "It's not absurd to be a long-legged bird... when you're Uruguay!!!" Okay. But if ANYONE ELSE tries it, MY GOD, THE INSANITY. Oh wait, except half these people have been dressed as long-legged birds.
USA
The USA also tried to ride the Wonder Woman wave, but with an atom on her head. Her theme was STEM education for girls -- "Forming an alliance between young women and science!" -- and I to admire her efforts to be superheroic about it. She should visit schools dressed like this.
She looked great with science on her head, at least.
U.S. Virgin Islands
There are 100 yellow stones on her headpiece, apparently. Also: "This yellow bird stands out from the herd." Do birds herd? How about a super hacky mellow yellow rhyme, y'all? It was RIGHT THERE.
Venezuela
He said the mirrored costume represents the women of her country who are strong and "fair and balanced" and free. The rhyme: "There's nothing wrong with a woman as strong as Venezuela!" the host said. Yeah, no shit, Bob.
Vietnam
I love this costume, which incorporated several elements of local culture and festivals. Which makes this even more embarrassing: "A pointy hat is where it's at... when you're Vietnam!" That has all the nuance of a red wine stain.
Zambia
She's repping copper and the national bird, and you will not be surprised to hear that today's closing rhyme was therefore: "It's always proper to dress as a bird made of copper!" I swear, the effort these women and their teams put into the costumes -- and simply wearing them -- is about the ONLY effort that went into this entire production. I am so deeply annoyed on their behalf that his was such a janky-ass presentation. The corny rhymes are just fine by me, but can't we get real lights, proper walls, and Katharine McPhee? Just kidding, I don't actually want her there. It was just a good celebrity rhyme and much like the hosts, I am ALL OUT OF BEATS at this point.